Page 107 of When I Picture You

Lola felt a rush of affection for Gloriana. Gloriana was the first person who understood the blood, sweat, and tears that Lola dedicated to her dream, and the extent of the sacrifices she was willing to make. She’d promised young Lola that she’d make it all worth it, and she’d never steered her wrong.

But on the heels of that love came a clawing fear: the prospect of disappointing Gloriana made Lola almost physically sick. But coming out wasn’t disappointing, she reminded herself. She was just anxious. She was losing her nerve.

“I’ve been thinking,” Lola began. “With the new songs comingalong, we’re at a turning point. I wanted to revisit the idea of my coming out.”

“Oh! Yes, certainly we can have that conversation.”

That wasn’t so hard.“Great! I was thinking that the film is the perfect opportunity. We can control the narrative, instead of leaving it to a journalist. And it would give the film a purpose—not justRemember who Lola Gray is?But like,This is who she is.”

Lola trailed off. It sounded so much better when Renee said it.

“And who Lola Gray is, is what, a gay person?” Gloriana said.

Lola winced. “Bisexual—or maybe queer. So, that, but also an artist, a songwriter, someone who cares about her fans. I can do all of those things better if I’m honest about who I am.”

“It’s an interesting idea.” Gloriana pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Let’s set the movie aside for the moment. If we decide to do this, we can discuss how to make the announcement later. Help me understand whynow.”

Lola tried not to let her expression fall. Gloriana’s job was to ask these questions, but that didn’t change the fact that Lola had wanted Gloriana to simply say yes without running through every pro and con. That was a childish, unprofessional thought. No one got to Lola’s level, or into the stratosphere beyond it, by doing exactly what they wanted.

“With the breakup with Nash, my fans think I’m single. We’d have to give it some time, so I don’t look like a greedy bisexual.” Lola giggled nervously to dismiss the stereotype. Gloriana didn’t. “Um, the media attention would be good for the album. The music I’m making now feels more mature anyway, so it could be an opportunity to debut a new image. And—and what’s the big deal, right? It’s not like I’d be the first bisexual pop star.”

Gloriana clicked her tongue. “It’d be better if you were!That, we could really capitalize on.”

“I just meant, Lady Gaga is out and no one ever talks about it.”

“You’re not Lady Gaga, Lola. You’re the girl next door pining for the quarterback, not some sex bomb.”

Lola laughed uneasily. “You make it sound like I’m still in high school.”

“To many of your fans, you are. Especially whenthey’restill in high school.”

“My fans have grown up just like I have. A lot of them are queer too.”

“Yes, of course—I’ve seen the hashtags. Those are good points,” Gloriana said, and Lola felt buoyed by her praise. “But realistically, it’s mid-November. We need to deliver this documentary for Streamy in four months—and that’s not negotiable. I’m not convinced the timeframe is right for an announcement. Remember, we’re planning for a career that’s going to last the rest of your life. I always say, these details are currency.Who you areis currency. We need to be careful how we manage that wealth.”

“I think this is a good time to spend it,” Lola said, but her voice sounded thin.

Gloriana wove her fingers together. Lola’s stomach clenched: she was about to hear something unpleasant. “Lola, my job is to do what’s right for you. Foryou, not anyone else. I’m surprised to hear you want this movie—which once you had no interest in whatsoever—to expose the most personal and intimate part of your life. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask if this is really whatyouwant. Not just whatshewants.”

Lola’s eyes went wide. She felt pinned by Gloriana’s stare like a butterfly under glass. “Renee does want this. She came up with this great concept about how being in the closet has affected my creative process. But I think it’s a really good idea too.”

“It is a really good idea—for Renee.” Gloriana grabbed her iPadfrom her desk, then sat beside Lola on the couch. “You know we’re constantly monitoring the online discussion of you. Recently, we’ve expanded that to include Renee—it would be so helpful if she got representation for herself, by the way. I want to make you aware of what we’ve been seeing.”

Lola sat extremely still as Gloriana swiped through a series of screenshots.

“We have headlines about Renee Feldman.”

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Lola shrugged. “We knew the project put Renee in the public eye. You agreed to that. It’s part of the story of the film.”

Gloriana swiped on.

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