Page 122 of When I Picture You

“I don’t want to wait to be seen in public with you until ‘this blows over.’ Can’t your team build this into their twenty-step coming-out strategy?”

Lola’s breath caught in her throat. She shrank under Renee’s insistent gaze.

“They can, right?” Renee asked slowly. “They’re on board. Right?”

Lola felt very far away from her body, like she was a balloon barely tethered to a weight on the ground. She heard herself say, “We decided to put the plan on pause.”

Renee’s whole body seemed to flare with outrage. “On pause? The hell does that mean?”

“We’re not sure this is the right time.”

“God, Lo, after everything, how can you still let her run you over like this?”

“I’m not! Gloriana looks out for me!” Lola said, bristling. “I don’t think you realize how complicated this is for me.”

“And I don’t think that you realize that you’ve got a whole team of people who are making it as complicated as possible, to keep you in the closet, because they think it’s better for your career.”

“That’s not true!”

“Then what is it? Is it you? Because you’ve told me a thousand times that you wanted to come out, and I believed you.” Alarm flashed over Renee’s face at Lola’s cowering. “You did tell Gloriana that this is what you wanted. Coming out, the film. You told her like you said you did. Right?”

Lola couldn’t think, couldn’t figure out what to say. She couldn’t lie, but the truth felt like a sword hanging over her neck.

“I should have fucking known,” Renee moaned. She shoved a frustrated hand into her hair. “But it’s exactly like she said: if you really wanted to, you would.”

“Like who said?” Icy cold washed over Lola. “Who said that, Renee?”

“I was going to tell you about it today—”

“Did you talk to Ava about me?”

Renee’s shoulders were immediately at her ears. Her gaze darted to the door, then the ceiling, then she said, “I should have discussed it with you first, but it came together so fast, and you were traveling. And I was going to have to interview her eventually.”

“No. No, you weren’t.” Lola’s chin was trembling, her words uneven.

“Right,nowI won’t have to, but this happened before I knew you would do a complete one-eighty on the project.”

“This is my life!” Lola cried. “It’s not some school project.”

“The film is more than a school project!” Renee shouted back.

“I’ve seen what you’ve been doing, all the attention you’ve been getting. That’s why you put so much pressure on me, isn’t it?”

Renee’s face had gone bright red. Angry—Renee was angry, which felt ferociously unfair when Lola washurt. How could Renee expect Lola to shove her own pain aside just because Renee was bigger and louder and more demanding than Lola ever allowed herself to be?

“No,” Renee said. “You don’t get to act like I was using you when you told me this is what you wanted. But you were never going to come out, were you?”

Tears were streaming down Lola’s face now. She didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I would have done it for you.”

“I don’t want you to do it for me!” Renee roared. Lola flinched, butRenee didn’t stop. “Don’t you get that? You’re supposed to do it for yourself. How am I supposed to know what you actually want, when you only ever say what you think I want to hear?”

“Renee.”

“Were you faking all your orgasms with me too?”

“Renee!” Lola sobbed.

Renee folded her arms. Her eyes were dry.