Page 109 of When I Picture You

From the front of the house, Renee heard the gate. She’d worry about Kadijah later. She shoved the phone in her pocket and raced to the front hall. She was beaming now, the excitement radiating off her and making her breath quick. She must have looked a little silly, because when Lola opened the door, she seemed startled.

“So?” Renee said.

“So what?”

Renee grabbed Lola by the waist and pulled her in. “Don’t tease me, I can’t take it,” she growled.

But still, Lola didn’t answer. Her eyes were searching Renee’s, her full lips parted. God, how Renee loved holding her, more than she’d ever loved holding anyone. Renee tightened her arms around Lola and captured her mouth in a kiss. As she drew Lola’s lower lip into her mouth, her nose pressed to Lola’s cheek, their eyelashes brushing. Lola responded as quickly as she always did, arching her body against Renee—and Renee loved that too, how Lola always kissed her like she was clinging to life.

Lola plunged her hands into Renee’s hair, trapping them against each other. Her tongue snaked into Renee’s mouth, and Renee accepted it, sucking on it with an eager groan. She slid her hands to Lola’s ass and squeezed, making her own hips buck, then lifted Lola against her. With Lola wrapped around her waist, Renee walked them forward until Lola’s weight pressed against the door.

Renee took her in for a moment—Lola’s flushed cheeks, her swollen lips, her serious eyes now clouded with lust. Renee could feel Lola’s heartbeat, and it had to be beating in time to hers.

“I love you.” Renee’s voice was soft.

Lola’s eyes went round, her mouth pulled into an O of surprise. “You do?” she whispered.

Something had broken open in Renee’s chest. She hadn’t expected to make that confession. She thought about how she loved Lola all the time, but that wasn’t the same aslovingher, was it? Now that she’d said it aloud, the words felt inescapable and honest and true. Tears prickled in her eyes.

“I do. I really do. I love you, Lo.”

Lola cradled Renee’s face in her hands, then gently kissed the tears from her cheeks. “So why are you crying?”

“I never thought I’d say that to anyone,” she admitted.

Renee wanted to remember the look on Lola’s face for the rest of her life: the way she seemed to glow, her warmth and her softness. “I love you too,” Lola said.

They kissed again, deeply, until Renee’s mouth made its way to the sensitive spot on Lola’s ear that always made her gasp.

“Are you going to put me down?” Lola asked between breaths.

“No, never,” Renee mumbled into her neck. “I love you, Lo. I love you so fucking much. I’m never letting you go. Oh—how was the meeting?”

“The meeting?” Lola tightened her grip on Renee’s shoulders. “The meeting was good.”

“Really? You told her what you wanted?”

“Yeah, I did. We talked and … and everything’s good.”

Renee’s heart felt so full, she wasn’t sure her ribs could contain it. She was sure that she’d never been this happy in all her life, that she might never be this happy again.

“That’s my girl,” Renee said. She lifted Lola off the door and carried her to bed.

29

In the days that followed, Lola was in a state of bliss. There was no other way to describe it. She felt almost woozy, like she was lost in a profoundly good dream. She and Renee couldn’t stop saying those three words to each other. They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. They fucked in so many rooms of Lola’s house that they spent the afternoon before the housekeepers came doing a thorough pre-cleaning, to be respectful—only to end up on the floor among the cleaning supplies.

But the moment Renee was out of Lola’s sight, guilt sucked at her like quicksand. She had lied to Renee. That was unacceptable, but wasn’t it an understandable mistake? Renee had just looked so expectant when Lola had walked into the house that day; Lola hadn’t wanted to tarnish their perfect moment with disappointment. Anyway, Lolawouldtell Gloriana she’d made her decision—of course she would. Sometimes it felt like she already had! It would only take one little phone call to fix. Renee would never need to know that their wires had gotten crossed.

All the same, she still hadn’t managed to correct the mistake. Her sister, Claudia, was coming to visit to do her interview for the film, and then Lola had a short trip to Fiji, where she’d been hired to perform at the birthday party of a daughter of some sheikh, no film crewallowed. Knowing they’d soon be apart, Lola was rightly focused on Renee, not dealing with Gloriana.

And there were songs to finish. Lola insisted that Renee not be present for the last recording sessions.

“I want you to hear the songs for the first time with me,” Lola had explained.

“But I’ve already heard most of them!” Renee protested.

“Not the final versions,” Lola said.