Page 24

“That’s a good one for the book…” Bellamy swallows thickly. “I mean, if you still use it.”

I nod. “I’m actually on the last few pages of it.”

When she first gave it to me, I had no clue how much I needed it. Writing to my baby sister has been therapeutic in a way I would’ve never known, had it not been for Bellamy opening my heart to it that summer.

She looks surprised by my confession, those green eyes brightening. “Really?”

“Yep,” I say as I put the shovel back in place.

Without another word about it, she walks over and gives Mia one last treat as I finish up.

A few minutes later, her sweet voice catches my attention. “Hey, I wanted to tell you…” She swallows, approaching me again, and the nervousness in her expression has fear racing through me.

I look at her to continue, unable to speak, panicking she’s going to tell me something that would have my biggest fear over the past three years coming to life.

Hookups are one thing, but something serious would decimate the hope for us I still let linger.

“I’m sorry you had to see Connor leaving from my place earlier.” She twists her lips, looking away from me. “I know how hard that is.”

Now I feel like the asshole, knowing she’s had to watch me with Tori for years now.

“Bella…” I reach for her, and shockingly, she doesn’t pull away.

“I just don’t get it. Maybe if you weren’t with her, I could understand the jealousy.”

“She’ll never be you.” The admission leaves my lips as a breathy whisper. The past couple of months of slowly getting closer with her again has made this charade with Tori that much more difficult.

“Then why are you with her, Cash?” Bellamy steps back from me, searching my eyes. “I would’ve believed it was to make me jealous had it not continued, but now, three years later? One week, you’re together, then one week, you aren’t. It doesn’t make sense.”

I close my eyes, not quite sure how to answer that. Tori and I weren’t always a sham. At one point, I made myself believe it could be real. That if someone wanted me so badly, that they never gave up on me, then she was worth it.

“It’s more complicated than that.” I wince because I know it's a copout.

“You don’t owe me answers, just like I don’t owe you, but for fuck’s sake, Cash. You deserve better than her.”

I just want to deserve you.

The words are on the tip of my tongue, but our phones ding at the same time, and I know it’s Gigi. I shake my head, running my fingers through my hair and turning away from her.

Bellamy must take that as an attempt to evade her earlier statement since she moves toward the door. “Come on. Let’s just go pick up the food from Gigi’s.” She huffs and heads out of the barn, and it takes everything in me to not chase after her.

Bellamy

Today has been confusing, to put it mildly.

Between the jealous act that will forever throw me off kilter, to the way he cared for me before our horseback ride.

Then he shared the story about Jules for the first time in forever.

Even the way he looked at me when I told him he deserved better than Tori.

Shit, the way Gigi looked at the two of us when we went to pick up the food. Like she knew something we didn’t.

To top it off, I left there and saw him in all his muscular glory by the pool. One would think I love to torture myself, because we even went back to The Wolves Den for Sunday dinner and dessert.

Now that I’m back at my apartment with the girls, I finally get a little mental reprieve.

Sitting on the couch, I pat a spot for Berkley to join me.

I need the tea, because one second, we’re sitting around the backyard with all the guys making s'mores and listening to Graham and Nola pick on each other, then the next minute, she disappears up to Nate’s room and comes back about fifteen minutes later, looking dazed and flushed.

I need to know what happened… Well, really, I'm reaching for anything to distract my own crazy thoughts.

“Don’t think you can just go up to Nate’s room with a delicious, sweet treat, then come back down with stars in your eyes, and I wouldn’t ask you anything.”

“Wha—what do you mean? I was making sure his sister, Willow, was okay,” she replies, but by the way she stammers her words, I know there was more.

“Aw, man, you can’t start the roomie hangout without me,” Darby says as she comes through the apartment door, her Wolves basketball bag slung over her shoulder.

“We just started, babe. Come sit,” I say with a smile.

“Okay, two seconds. I need to grab some food, I'm starving,” she says, looking giddy as she heads into the kitchen.

“We brought home a plate for you from dinner. Gigi’s lasagna,” Berkley sing-songs.

Darby squeals. “You guys are the best!”

After several moments, I hear the ding of the microwave, and Darby comes to sit cross-legged on the floor, directly across from Bellamy and me.

“Okay, I'm ready,” she says with a little dance of her shoulders, and we both laugh.

“So, Little Miss Berkley over here, not only ditched me from our s’mores making to go visit Nate in his room …but she also came back all swollen-lipped and starry-eyed,” I say, spilling everything at once. No point in beating around the bush.

“You got some explaining to do, lady.” Darby points her fork at her with a quirked brow.

Berkley rolls her eyes at us, then cracks open the Diet Coke she has sitting on the coffee table. As if to use the time to formulate her response. She takes her time sipping from the can.

“Um, ma’am, you can sip that can all night; you’re still going to tell us what happened. You know damn well I have an early class tomorrow, but I will keep my ass in this seat till sunrise if I have to…” I tease.

A part of me feels sort of guilty pressing her for answers when I know I’ve been doing my best to avoid any conversation that involves Cash. But at least for her sake, Nate has been actively trying to win her back, whereas I'm stuck in an uncompromising situation.

“Okay, okay. Before you guys went outside, he went to call Willow, said she had called two times already. Since he didn’t come down to join us, I wanted to make sure everything was alright,” Berkley explains as she rearranges herself on the couch.

“Sounds reasonable enough…but what about the whole starry-eyed and swollen lip thing?” Darby presses her for more.

“It really wasn’t anything. I got caught up in the moment, and…” She pauses and shrugs with a little smirk on her face. “I kissed him.”

“Woah, woah! You kissed him?” I ask, beyond surprised that she was the one to make the move, when this whole time, it’s been him trying to get her attention.

“Honestly, it was nothing, so let’s move on, please,” Berkley says, attempting to sound unaffected. But I don’t miss the light blush that blooms on her cheeks.

“I live for your boy drama…” Darby sighs.

“Oh, you shush. Don’t think we forgot about you and Jackie’s drama our freshmen year,” Berkley chastises Darbs, who throws her hands up defensively.

“Guilty, I’ll admit it, but the chaos was worth it in the long run.” She smiles dreamily, most likely envisioning her girlfriend.

I turn to Berkley. “How are you feeling about things with him?”

She lets out an exasperated sigh before responding. “I'm not really sure. I feel like there’s still a huge part of the story he’s not telling me. But I might be ready to hear what he has to say.”

Her honesty has me reaching over and squeezing her knee. “I hope you get the answers you're looking for.”

I leave the conversation at that, not wanting to pry any more, because I sure as hell don’t want them prying into my situation.

A quick glance at the clock tells me it’s close to midnight.

“Okay, ladies, I'm calling it a night,” I say, standing up from the couch.

“Suuureeee, I have to spill all my tea, but we’ll leave yours simmering in the pot,” Berkley says playfully, her attention fixed on me.

I smirk at them, thankful they’re allowing me the space and time I need to come clean to them both. “Ya’ll would need a whole cauldron.”

“Daaamn, okay. Just know we’re here for you when you need us,” Darby says, and Berkley nods in agreement.

“Love you, babes. Thank you.”

Yet again, sleep doesn’t come easily. Not when I have Cash on my mind. The late-night thoughts I’ve lost so much sleep to are back with a vengeance. Did I make the right decision all those years ago?

My mom and Cal are extremely happy, and Cal has been nothing but amazing to me, but it’s in the dark of the night when I really let the nagging thoughts creep into my head.

Could I have had both?

The happy family and the guy I love.

What would our lives be like if I didn’t push him away?