Page 9 of Ties of Starlight (Tethered Hearts #2)
I donea wasn't sure what was worse: being able to recall the memories of her past lives that she relived in her dreams or only having the haunting feelings follow her like an echo. Given the ache that followed her birthmark and the heaviness settling over her shoulders, she knew her nightmare had to have been about her last death, but she could not recall all of the specifics.
She didn't really want to anyway. She had the historical account to fill in the gaps. Those gaps were why Idonea was still going along with this. She couldn't be the reason the Star Elves kept growing weaker. She was the reason everything had fallen apart last time, so even though this was a nightmare even worse than any memory that plagued her sleep, she had to see it through.
So her unexpectedly tall horse plodded along.
But she wasn't happy about it.
This was supposed to be the last time. The last life. The one when she finally got everything right.
She said that every time .
She was tired of coming back and never quite getting it right.
Thankfully, Nyrunn rode at the front with Lord Frode and the Constella, likely ensuring he was caught up on everything he needed to know as Agnarr's chosen. Even if Idonea hadn't done this seven times before, she'd had a whole year for the Constella to ensure she understood her responsibilities in the rituals and the traditions she was expected to keep as part of her position.
So Idonea was left to her own devices for the most part. The members of the court who were traveling with them as their retinue to witness the rituals all left her alone. That was normal. Although the glares she got from a few of the guards when they thought she wasn't looking were strange.
Still, the isolation and the fact that she could ride this route with her eyes closed meant she had little to do but observe the one thing about this that wasn't already memorized with every inch of her being.
King Nyrunn.
As she watched him lead their party, it was... She had no words to describe it. He stayed away from her all day, focusing entirely on his dual roles as king and chosen. Distantly, she picked up a few flares here and there of his emotions on the other side of the wall. If she had to guess, it was probably annoyance.
Even when they stopped to make camp, most of their party already lagging and tired since they had skipped the usual Midday Rest, Nyrunn was focused on the logistics required of him and didn't look at her. Thankfully, there wasn't anything really required of them to make camp since all their stops were planned in advance; all the camp sites were set up and had servants maintaining them while they waited for the party's arrival. All they had to do was stay on schedule and they'd hit all of them in perfect timing.
So as the sun was setting and the first few stars were emerging, they rode into the large swath of tents already put up and prepared. Before Idonea could even look around, Nyrunn was at her side and she hadn't realized when she'd lost track of him.
He was pulling her off her horse without a word, placing her on her feet before turning on his heel and responding to Lord Frode’s question with a roll of his eyes.
Then she was left staring at the space he'd been a moment before. All the times before that she'd done this, Olaug had never helped her mount or dismount.
A pang went through her chest as she watched Nyrunn direct Frode and the servants to get dinner ready and served for their camp. Straight to business.
It'd been so sterile and quiet all day, and it was awful. Olaug was always full of life, causing the guards, the court, and Idonea to laugh while they rode. Although Idonea herself was usually not involved in the conversations, she enjoyed listening to them. For the number of lives she'd lived, she was more often a spectator than a participant. It suited her well.
The court members traveling with them dismounted their steeds, handing them off to the stableboys and servants they'd brought with them tasked with the animals' care. After she'd removed her bag containing her journals and the account from Captain Bror, she waited patiently by her horse's side, just stroking its shoulder.
Lady Asa was handing off her reins when she spotted Idonea and gave her a nod, but there was a tightness to her smile. Right. Lady Asa had been hopeful that she would be selected by the king to be his bride.
Lady Katla just outright glared at Idonea .
It wasn't like she was any happier about this than they were. If King Nyrunn had feelings for Lady Asa, not only was Idonea now the half-elf he hated that he was stuck married to, but she was the reason he'd never be with the one he did love.
Which just brought her back around to the question she still had. Why would he have offered himself up?
And where was Olaug? If Nyrunn believed he'd run away—as if he would ever abandon her and his responsibilities—was he even looking for him?
More likely, he'd been kidnapped by someone who wanted to keep them weak, and if so, he wasn't safe. In this life, it seemed the Moon Elves were still their greatest threat like they’d been in her last one. If they’d kidnapped him, what if they’d killed him when they heard the wedding had still occurred?
Idonea stood there fretting until finally a stableboy approached her and she was able to hand off her horse. Once she had, she headed straight for her tent. She knew where it was, no one needed to tell her. It was always in the same place.
That was the nice thing about all the traditions that had been added to the ritual—it meant everything was predictable.
She passed by Lady Katla where she sat by Lady Asa and several of the court members as they ate, and Lady Katla, in a poorly lowered voice, said, “Someone must know what she did.”
“Sir Olaug didn't say a word to a soul before leaving,” one of the guards said.
Lady Asa cut in, “And there's no guarantee it had anything to do with her or something she did.”
“I suppose it could have been her half-human blood,” Lady Katla said, shaking her head. “But there had to be more. Do you think maybe he wasn’t the only one having a scandalous tryst? She did work in the library. How easy would it be for her and a secret lover to be—”
Idonea furiously blinked as she picked up her pace to get away from their voices. It had been bad enough last time, dealing with the rumors that made her out to be a girl with loose skirts, but again? They didn’t even have a reason to believe such a thing. She’d done her best to stay far away from anything that could damage her reputation.
Her past life, however, seemed destined to haunt her and repeat itself again.
She was as lost as they were to what she’d done wrong. She certainly had never been anything but faithful to Olaug. If she knew what she'd done wrong—even if it was too late to fix it—she could record it to ensure in her next life she didn't make the same mistake.
Her journals were littered with advice and lessons from her previous lives all given in the hopes that if she managed to avoid her past mistakes, the next one would be the last.
She ducked into the Cometa Couple's tent and quickly threw up a little starlight. She immediately went to the vanity, sitting down and pulling out her journal. She had to have done something, and she needed to figure out what it was.
She started flipping through the pages, going back to the beginning of her current life. Well, the day she'd figured out this life wasn't her first and had started recording this one in a journal. But nothing stood out to her. There was nothing different about this life that was of note, other than the instances where she recorded her annoyance with Nyrunn when he would appear in the library, going out of his way to mock her and annoy her until he got a rise out of her.
She stared at the pages until her eyes spilled over and she had to shut the journal in order to keep her tears from making the ink run.
Where had she failed this time? Even if Olaug had been kidnapped, there had to be something she could have done to stop it. She had to have done something that would have influenced it.
How many times? How many lives would it take for her to finally get this right and be done with it?
Decade after decade she’d lived and death after death she’d died came crashing over her like a tidal wave. The weight of her own memories and each life before a failure was suffocating.
She was tired.
When was it going to be enough? When was she going to be good enough?
Idonea shoved the journal back into her bag and instead dressed for bed while Nyrunn wasn't there, pausing as she buttoned up her nightgown, brushing her fingers over her birthmark—or rather, over the scar that marked her last death.
She looked at the bed and dreaded falling asleep, never knowing which life was going to haunt her next. More accurately, which death she would be subjected to. During the day, it was easier to focus on her current life and keep her mind in order, but when she was asleep, centuries of memories came rushing to the surface and she was defenseless against them.
But she'd rather that than be awake when Nyrunn returned and have to face the stranger who was where Olaug should be. Nyrunn was probably trying to avoid her just as much so he wouldn't have to face their marriage either.
She woke up the next morning to see Nyrunn this time had slept in the chair with his feet on the vanity, a rather comical sight, and she was certain not a comfortable one. But before she could examine it closely, he was shifting, waking up and climbing out of the awkward position. He ran a hand through his hair and opened his mouth, but then Frode's voice was piercing the canvas. “Your Majesty!”
Nyrunn scowled and left without another word.
The first few days went similarly. The court had no interest in her other than to speculate whether it was her blood, her actions, her status, or light skirts that had caused the mess of her being left at the altar. Why were none of them even considering that Olaug had been kidnapped?
And since she was left alone with her own thoughts while they traveled, all she did was worry about him.
Well, worry and notice all the ways Nyrunn wasn't Olaug.
He was taller, for one. It wasn’t by much, but Idonea noticed it. She noticed everything.
Like how Olaug and Nyrunn’s hair were different shades of purple. Nyrunn’s also looked softer. He moved differently. He spoke differently.
If Idonea had a spare journal, she could fill every page with all the ways Nyrunn wasn’t Olaug. And if she had another one after that, she could fill it with all her worried wondering about Olaug’s safety.
By the fourth day, Idonea couldn't even eat for fear of losing it from her own anxiety about Olaug's fate, and she could no longer avoid Nyrunn the way she'd been very successfully doing. Especially now that the Constella was done beating the minutiae into his head about his duties.
She needed answers from her husband.