Page 30 of Ties of Starlight (Tethered Hearts #2)

I donea stayed by the fire in the camp until long after everyone but the guards on duty went to bed. She just sat on a log and stared at her clasped hands, the fire flickering just at the top of her vision when she wasn’t seeing her blood-stained hands foolishly trying to ebb the flow she’d caused.

Would she?

Would she snap and kill again? If she saw Olaug again in this life, would her savage human blood take over? Would her mind, full of too many lifetimes, shatter again? If she kept going, would it ever be possible for her to be perfect if each life stuffed into her head only unraveled her faster?

Would she hurt Nyrunn?

If he ever said the wrong thing or he finally gave up on his attempts to make their marriage more than simply an acceptable arrangement and instead finally started seeking someone who could actually love him, would she react the way she had when Olaug had?

She looked up at the stars .

Maybe she'd be saving him if she disappeared after the ceremony anyway. But if he knew, he'd react the same way he had when she first suggested it.

He was convinced he’d fallen in love with her after marrying her. But that was only because he couldn’t stand the thought she was still someone else’s in her soul even if not in marriage. How could that be real love? He was deluding himself into believing that because he thought it was the only way to keep her from running off and was conflating his possessiveness with care. If he loved her, it was only because she’d saved his life, but soon enough his gratitude would wear off.

He thought he wanted her. It wouldn’t last. If it never did with her soulmate, how could it with another man?

Idonea couldn't return to the tent. So she didn't.

She couldn’t go back until she stopped seeing the phantom traces of her previous crimes. If she was going to be around Nyrunn, she had to stabilize and ensure she was even safe to be around. If that was even possible.

She sat by the fire until it sputtered out and ignored the guards who eyed her, whispering to each other if they should do something about her sitting there.

They didn't.

The night had almost ended and soon enough dawn would come when finally someone else appeared.

But it wasn't Nyrunn.

Frode sat next to her and stared at the dead embers. “So he told you?”

Idonea's heart hit the ground. Frode knew Nyrunn had been trying to break the cycle? Nyrunn had told him about her past lives?

She never should have trusted him.

“Don't be too mad at him. He was afraid to tell you because he knew you'd get upset, but would you rather he have not told you?”

Idonea stayed silent.

“Give him a little grace, would you? Even if you went after him now, what really is there to do but arrest him? And with the comet so close, there's not much time for diversions for cowards.”

Idonea looked up and said, “What are you talking about?”

Frode's eyes went so wide, she half expected them to fall out of his skull as his face turned ashen. “What are you talking about?”

“Arrest him” “Coward”

“You’ve found Olaug,” Idonea whispered.

Frode shook his head. “N—No? No. We absolutely do not have his location, and it's definitely not near here. How ridiculous would that be?”

But Idonea was shooting off the log and tearing toward her tent.

Frode muttered behind her, “I better start getting my noose measured.”

Idonea flung open the tent flap and stormed in, Nyrunn shooting up from where he'd been asleep in the chair, facing the exit.

Waiting for her to come back.

“Idonea, please, I'm so sorry.” His eyes lit up at the sight of her as he reached out for her. The bond was swelling on his side, him purposefully trying to use his emotions to convince her of his words. “I shouldn't have said that, but I need you to know how much I—”

“Where is he?” Idonea cut him off, holding her hand out between them to stop him from coming any closer.

Nyrunn froze and the remorse trying to swallow her from the other side of the bond ebbed as he blinked. “Who?”

“Olaug. I know you know where he is, and you didn't tell me.”

Maybe Idonea was getting better at reading full-blooded elves' expressions. The panic all over her husband was unmistakable.

Or maybe it was because it started to hit their bond before he frantically buried it, but it was too late. He opened his mouth, but she stopped him before he could start.

Her voice darkened. “Now, since you forced me to answer this, it's your turn. How long?”

“Idonea—”

“How long have you known where he is?”

Nyrunn closed his eyes and drew in a long breath. “I found out last night, I swear.”

But there was something in his eyes. Something else was flaring again and again in the bond, faint but persistent, like it had been there a long, long time.

“Why don't I believe you?”

“I don't know. All I know is you consistently call me a liar when I'm telling you the truth. Maybe you just want to think the worst of me no matter what I do.” Nyrunn’s voice cracked. “I can't win with you.”

“Did you know where he was before we got married?”

Something flickered in his gaze and it gave him away.

When she shifted back, he reached toward her, but she was too far. His hands hung in the air as he took a faltering step toward her. “No. Idonea, no, I didn't.”

That sounded true, but that faint, persistent guilt still hummed in the silence.

She whispered, “There is something you're not telling me. Did you even look for him that morning? ”

“Of course I did.”

“He couldn't have been far—”

Nyrunn shook his head, voice picking up speed along with it. “There wasn't enough time even if we had found him that day.”

“What would have happened if you did find him?”

“I—I don't know—” Nyrunn stepped back as she advanced on him.

“Why didn't you send word to me that he was missing?”

“There wasn't time—”

“Don't lie! Why didn't you tell me Olaug was gone and you were stepping in before the ceremony? Why did you let me think you were him? If I believe you that you didn't find him—even if you had, you would have hidden it—Why? Why did you do all of this? Why did you marry me, knowing I was there to marry Olaug?”

He just stared at her, that look in his eyes all over again. The one from the Heava Dance.

The one she'd never seen before. Not fully desire. Far from repulsion.

His voice was barely a breath. “Because I couldn't risk losing the chance I had.”

A cold rush went straight down her spine. “What are you talking about?”

“I was too late last time.” Nyrunn closed his eyes and took a slow breath before opening them again. He took a step toward her, then another. “I was too much of a coward before. I thought I was hiding it from everyone but you, but you looked at me and were only seeing a vengeful ghost.”

“Hiding what?” Idonea was frozen in place. He couldn’t mean what it sounded like he meant?

“Seven lives and you can't see it even now?” Nyrunn's hands found her waist. His voice lowered as he stared down at her. “The first day after my mourning period ended was the day you were selected to be part of the Cometa Couple.”

“I remember.”

“But you don't know... I was going to ask you to marry me. But then you were engaged to someone else. I got a second chance, and I wasn't going to waste it.”

What?

Her throat was impossibly dry as she stared up at him. “Why? Why would you have asked me to marry you?”

It couldn’t be true. Because if that was true, it meant she was wrong. About him. About his love. About everything.

He took her hand and pressed it to his chest, ducking his head. “Because I have been yours for years, and I wanted so desperately for you to be mine.”

Before she could even begin to try to fathom such a thing, he closed the distance between them. She gasped softly when his lips touched hers and his hands tightened at her waist as he tugged her closer.

That feeling flooded her all over again. Nyrunn was practically smothering her in its warmth even as it was cut with his frantic panic.

She didn’t push him away.

She leaned in, both to him and the feeling he was pouring out through their bond. He was right about her. She’d been so willfully blind. How could she have lived so long and not known what this was the second she’d seen it?

Idonea's hand curled into his shirt, even as her eyes flooded with tears slipping out despite how tightly she had them shut.

Everything had been screaming this at her, but she’d refused to uncover her ears to hear it. He loved her.

All this time it had been love .

But love for her had never felt like this. If this was what it was, had she ever been loved before?

“Why, you ask me,” he whispered between kisses. “Why do I want to break the cycle?” He kissed her cheek. “Why do I refuse to entertain the idea of sending you away?” He lifted her hand and kissed her palm. “Why did I marry you?” Then her pulse on her wrist. “Why did I call you beautiful and tease you? Why did I remember your favorite berry? Why did I get you new ladders? All of it so painfully simple and you so blind.”

Idonea slowly opened her eyes as his fingers intertwined with hers, his hand on her waist tightening. She breathed out, “All this time?”

He nodded and kissed her again before softly pulling back. “All this time, I have loved you, and I will love you all the days of my one life. I want to be more than just a footnote. Than an obligation. I don't want pieces of you. I want all of you. I love all of you. And I love you so much that it is killing me that I'm never going to be enough for you.”

“Nyrunn—”

He shook his head before pressing his forehead to hers, arms pulling her so there was no space between them. “I know I'm not your first love or your first husband, but I want to be your last. I want this life to be your last. I want you to have peace. Let me be the one you grow old with. Let me have the honor of being the cause of your laugh lines turning to wrinkles. Let me give you children. Let me protect you and them from anyone who would dare to use your human heritage against you. Teach me those lullabies so I can sing them with you when you rock our children to sleep.”

Idonea could see it. Their bond was screaming at her with his love and in the haze, she could picture it. Not like her memories that constantly forced their way into her head in her nightmares. Like a dream, she could see just the faint outline of it. Of a full, long life with Nyrunn. Him pressing his palm to her stomach to feel their child kicking. Him softly singing a lullaby that hadn’t been in the air for a thousand years to the child in his arms while she watched from their bed. Sitting beside him as the whole court was gathered and his hand around hers steadying her racing heart. Dancing with him, him whispering in her ear and making her laugh with his charm and wit, deepening the lines marring her face as the years continued to pass and she got the gift to grow old.

It was everything she’d told him she’d wanted. It was everything she’d ever wanted.

His hand ran through her hair before resting on her back. He whispered, his breath brushing her cheek, “It’s yours, Idonea. Here and now, if you would just open your hands and let me give it to you. Please, love. Let me give you this life, one good life where you are loved.”

It couldn’t be so easy. There had to be a catch.

“Nyrunn, what do you want from me?”

“Can it be any clearer?” His laugh was bitter, but soft in its quiet, final desperate plea. “I want you to stop chasing the coward who doesn't want you and choose this one who does.”

“What's it all been for then? All these lives. All this pain.” Idonea's voice cracked, and her hand resting against his shoulder trembled. “If I don't end up with him, what has it all been for?”

His hand ran up and down her back. “Maybe it was to end up here.”

“I'm tired of failing.” A few more tears slipped down her cheeks.

She was tired. She was so tired of everything .

Nyrunn let go and pulled back. “And there's no world in which you can see choosing me isn't failing?”

“Nyrunn—”

“Do you love me?”

Idonea had never loved anyone who wasn't Olaug.

What if she wasn’t even capable of it?

And even with the one man she had loved with everything in her…

“Do you?” she whispered, and it was like she'd hit him. Better than her snapping and killing him.

That was the catch.

Because even if she was capable of loving him, could she even trust herself with him?

“Or are you just like Bror? I'm a fascination to you, and you won't rest until you finally possess me or are free from me. You went further than your uncle ever did in your efforts to have me.” Whatever it took to make him finally give up on her. “You don't know what love is.”

Nyrunn pulled back, his voice a rough whisper as he said, “No. Idonea, you don't.”

And then he was sweeping out of the tent this time.

Then his emotions were gone, hidden behind a wall and out of reach.

Idonea watched him go, the cracks in her heart deepening into a familiar feeling. She sank onto the bed, burying her head into her hand as the sob came crawling out.

This one she knew well, her heart in pieces on the floor. But this was worse than all the times she’d caught her so-called soulmate in the arms of someone else. She’d never known it could be worse.