Page 22 of Ties of Starlight (Tethered Hearts #2)

I donea woke up when Nyrunn stirred beneath her. His hand pulled away from hers and the dull ache he’d been staving off returned.

She bit back the soft groan that tried to rise in her throat. He shouldn’t have been siphoning off any of her pain in the first place. He shifted out from under her, taking care to lay her back down as he got up. She opened her eyes as he stepped away, moving for his bag of clothes.

She stayed quiet, letting him think she was asleep still so she could observe him.

She didn’t understand. If he believed her about her past, and he’d been speaking as though he did, then why would he care about her pain? If he knew what she’d done, why would he be willing to endure her pain for her? How could it even occur to him?

Idonea closed her eyes when he moved to unbutton his shirt.

Why would he be so good to her?

“Idonea? Are you awake?”

She opened her eyes and turned to see he was almost finished dressing, his fresh shirt unbuttoned as he moved to begin doing them up.

Asa was right.

He was handsome. And charming.

Idonea hoped her cheeks weren’t flushing red and betraying her as she forced her eyes up to his. The tiny grin on his lips, however, told her he’d caught her. She cleared her throat and began to push herself up with her good arm. “I am.”

He quickly abandoned doing the top half of his shirt, hurrying over to her side and trying to help her up. She opened her mouth to tell him not to, but before she could, he had her on her feet. His hands hovered in the air beside her as he watched her to see if she would topple over.

“You know it was my shoulder and ribs that were injured, not my legs. I am capable of standing.”

Nyrunn shook his head and returned to buttoning his shirt. “You are stronger than you look, little lily. After what I felt when the healers were operating on you, I’m surprised you are capable of standing upright. If it’d been me, I would be in bed for a week. I was, actually, one time after being injured in my tenure as a captain.”

Idonea shrugged her good arm. “That’s because you had the luxury. You get stabbed enough times, die a few more, and you learn what you’re capable of.”

Nyrunn’s eyes darkened, and she could sense through the bond there was something about her statement that got under his skin, but what?

It was true.

But instead of addressing it, he just said, “If it were up to me, I’d have you on bedrest anyway.”

“Unfortunately, the comet won’t wait just so you can have your way. ”

Nyrunn sighed as he finished the last button on his shirt. “You’re right. Come on, we need to get moving.”

Idonea turned to find her bag, but Nyrunn beat her to it, pulling an outfit out and setting it on the foot of the bed. He began packing up his things, leaving her to change. She managed to shrug and shimmy the nightgown off without moving her injured shoulder too much. She also managed to step into a shift and shimmy it up over herself similarly, but when it came to the dress, she began to struggle.

She grunted as she tried to get her arm in the sleeve, but her moving it caused her to aggravate the wound in her shoulder. Nyrunn turned around and said, “Would you like some help?”

Idonea glared at the front of the dress hanging off her. “If I say no, will you be upset at me for reopening my shoulder wound?”

Nyrunn laughed as he came up to her and reached for the dress and her arm. “We didn’t go to all that trouble just for you to reinjure yourself over a dress.”

She ignored the heat crawling across her cheeks and stared at her arm so she didn’t have to look Nyrunn in the eyes, as he was much gentler with her arm than she’d been. He carefully slid the sleeve around it without disturbing it and as he did so, came around her back, taking the stays and tightening them so they were secure without being suffocating.

Once he was done, he brushed his palms over her arms. “I know it’s not in your nature to ask for help, but please, just ask.”

Idonea stared at the ground. “I’ll… keep that in mind.”

Nyrunn released her with a slight scoff before gathering up their things and carrying the bags to the exit.

Idonea took an extra minute to run a comb through her hair and left it loose as she had no time nor a second hand for anything more elaborate before she followed Nyrunn out into the camp. He was securing their bags to Idonea’s horse, and she paused, eyeing him.

When he turned around, he raised an eyebrow at her. “You didn’t think you’d be riding by yourself while you’re still recovering?”

Idonea wasn’t going to win this one either so she just sighed. “If you insist.”

“I do, in fact.”

Nyrunn tethered her horse to his before leading his horse over to her, and his hands were on her waist. He lifted her up into the air and set her on the saddle before swinging up after her, wrapping his arms around her as she leaned back into him. He rested his head on hers and murmured, “Is it really so awful to be in my arms?”

His hand covered hers and the throbbing in her side eased.

“Nyrunn… please—” Idonea whispered, but before she could make him stop, Frode rode up to them.

“Are you ready, Your Majesty? We don’t have a second to waste.”

“Yes, let’s move out.”

As they rode, this time they took a different formation. Guards rode at the front and Idonea and Nyrunn were in the middle of the whole pack, nobles both ahead and behind. She and Nyrunn were directly flanked on each side by Asa and Frode with two guards on their other sides.

Even if there was anything for her and Nyrunn to speak about that didn’t have to do with her past lives, Frode immediately began filling the air with his chatter so it wouldn’t be possible to get a word in edgewise.

Idonea, however, caught the way Frode’s eyes were always darting to the guards and how his fingers twitched whenever a branch broke nearby. The whole party rode with an air of tension, and Idonea didn’t blame them. She too had one eye toward the trees, waiting for an arrow to come flying through.

Halfway through the morning, Frode and Asa verbally sparring over them, Idonea looked up at the trees just to make sure nothing was there, and Nyrunn murmured in her ear, “I promise, you’re safe with me.”

“I wasn’t—”

His grip on her waist tightened. “Don’t lie to me, and don’t worry yourself to death. I’ve ensured our safe travels for the rest of this trip.”

Idonea huffed. “Hmm, all the deaths I’ve died and worry hasn’t once been the cause.”

Nyrunn laughed, drawing Asa and Frode’s attention away from their spat and back to them.

Frode shot Asa a victorious look. “See, His Majesty agrees.”

Idonea had no idea what Nyrunn was supposed to be agreeing with, but Asa just huffed, gathering up her reins but not actually doing anything with them. “He’s laughing at you, not agreeing with you.”

Nyrunn ignored them and whispered, “We’ll talk tonight.”

Idonea nodded, turning her focus back to Asa and Frode, trying to figure out what they were arguing about now as the subject had changed thrice already.

Thankfully, they made it to their next site without any Moon Elves dropping from the trees and without Asa climbing over Nyrunn and Idonea to strangle Frode.

Nyrunn dismounted first and helped her down after, but he sent her to be checked on by the healers while he conferred with the captain and the Constella about their plans.

The healer changed her bandages and checked on her progress, glad there was still no infection and everything seemed to be healing, even if slower than ideal. He said that in a few days she’d be able to do without the sling, and Idonea’s only disappointment was that it would be a few days before she had her full autonomy back. However, he did confirm she was cleared to ride by herself, proving her suspicions Nyrunn had only done that so he could keep taking away her pain. Once the healer was finished with her, she went straight for her and Nyrunn’s tent.

Thankfully he wasn’t long after her, coming in as she was sitting on the bed. He came in, carrying their things. He brought her bag, full of her books, to her feet and held it out to her.

She took it, pulling it into her lap with one hand even though there was nothing in it left to hide.

He cleared his throat. “We haven’t really spoken fully about what I learned before the attack. Idonea… You understand what you’ve told me is impossible and absolutely insane, and there is no evidence such a thing like this is even possible with magic.”

“I do.” She eyed him. Had he just been humoring her before? Placating the madwoman until he could gather his thoughts?

He ran his hands through his hair before sitting up straighter and sighing. “But I believe you nonetheless.”

Her heart stuttered in her chest. He did? Really?

She breathed out. “That means a lot to me.”

“I can only imagine...” Nyrunn shook his head. “I can only imagine how lonely this all has been for you.”

That's what he'd been thinking about all day?

Not the fact that he was married to a murderer?

“It...” He took a deep breath. “Knowing everything you've endured in life after life, the things done to you—I don't know how you can bear coming back again and again.”

Her mouth went dry and she fiddled with the strap of her bag. “I just do. And I hope maybe this one will be the last. Until it all goes wrong again.”

“So...” Nyrunn looked up from his hands. “You are certain you’re going to live this all over again in another two hundred and fifty years?”

She reached up and brushed her fingers over the stars on her necklace. It was one of the only things she was certain of.

“Until the cycle is broken.”

“And... because this is the first time Olaug wasn’t the other half—I mean, am I now part of this? Am I going to come back?”

She couldn't help her soft laugh as she shook her head. “No, you're not going to come back. You don't have to worry about being trapped in this mess. It's Olaug and me because of what happened in our first life during the ceremony, but it’s not the ceremony with the comet itself. Does that make sense? It’s why we come back whether we finish the rituals or not. Our souls were specifically tied to—to the comet. Otherwise, it'd be the first couple always coming back. I'm certain you're just going to live your life as normal, no coming back.”

He glanced at her bag. “Alright, then how do we break it?”

What?

Idonea gaped at him and he narrowed his eyes at her incredulous expression. He gestured at her wounded side. “Don't tell me you want to continue coming back to be abandoned, cheated on, poisoned, stabbed, brutally murdered—”

She cut him off before he could dive into more of the things she'd endured in her many years. “I don't enjoy it, but I can't break the cycle.”

Not yet at least.

“Obviously, I know you don’t know how .” Nyrunn shook his head and pushed off the bed, beginning to pace in front of her. “You'd have to be insane to be able to break it and continue to subject yourself to this, but what I'm saying is, we need to find a way to break it.”

He was going faster than she could follow. Where was all of this coming from? What did he care?

“What?” was all Idonea managed to sputter out.

He paused in front of her and faced her. “There has to be a way to end this cycle and free you.”

“I know that.” She forced her fingers to remain in her lap, curling them into a fist. “But I don't understand why you think you have anything to do with this.”

The second the words left her mouth she regretted them, just from the way his expression fell and a pang went through their bond. She’d meant them matter-of-factly; how could they have hurt him?

He cleared his throat, turning away for a moment. “Even if I'm not one of the ones coming back, I'm part of this now.”

She supposed that was true.

And then he looked at her. “And you certainly are.”

As though that sentence would explain why he had any interest in taking on the task of figuring out how to end this cycle.

“The only way to end it is for me to finally get it right.” And the last thing she needed was for him to start looking too closely at breaking the cycle. “There's nothing you can do.”

And she wasn't even lying.

She'd been praying this would be the time she could end it, but she was married to someone else. She most certainly hadn't gotten this one right.

When everything was perfect and she'd finally done everything right so Olaug would love her and be faithful and they completed the ceremony, then she could end it and have her last life, the life she'd been chasing century after century.

Nyrunn wasn't a factor.

His jaw clenched and he shook his head. “We’ll see about that.”

She held her tongue on the fact that she didn't want to break the cycle. Not yet. He didn't understand her and Olaug. Clearly the attack and her saving him had just confused him about all of this.

Nothing had changed. She and Olaug were soulmates.

He didn’t love her in this life because of what she’d done in the past one. That didn’t mean he’d never loved her or that she wouldn’t be good enough for his love next time.

“I'm sorry, I really am.” Idonea pushed herself to her feet, setting her bag to the side. “But this is just how it is. I wish you hadn’t gotten tangled up in my mess.”

Nyrunn, however, started moving again, pacing as she pressed her palm to her stomach. Now he looked like he was the one physically restraining the words threatening to fall out of his mouth.

She continued, “But I'm sure we can figure out a solution for you. Really, I have been thinking about it since we got married, and now that you know... Well, I won't blame you for sending me away after we finish the ceremony and our people's magic is strengthened.”

He stopped in his tracks and whipped around, snapping, “What?”

She took a deep breath. “It's the most favorable solution for you, Adastra, and me. We all win. After the ceremony, I'll ‘die’ and everyone will believe it. I'll disappear, find some quiet corner to live the rest of this life in. That is, if I don't have some other tragic end first like I usually do, and then you can marry someone who is a much better fit to be queen, a full-blooded elf, or even someone you love.”

He could marry Lady Asa and have the perfect queen.

But each word she spoke that was meant to soothe his obvious agitation only seemed to have the opposite effect. She could feel his anger rising on the other side of the bond.

His hands were clenched into fists, almost shaking, and his voice was low and dangerous when he finally did speak. “How dare you?”

Now Idonea was utterly baffled. What was this deep fury on his end? Didn’t he understand?

She blinked. “It's not like I'm fit to be queen. You shouldn't have to suffer me because of the mess I've made of all of this.”

“Suffer you? I should have never let you look at that cursed letter!”

She went perfectly still.

On the edges of her mind, she could hear the echo of another voice yelling at her, belonging to a face so similar to Nyrunn’s, but it wasn’t his. He wasn’t Bror. No matter how her twisted, broken mind kept mixing them up.

He stepped back and took a long breath. “Don't use that cad's words to try and justify your argument.”

“My point is that you only stepped in to take his place because of duty. We can complete the ceremony and then go our separate ways so that you can be free to continue to do what's best for Adastra, or maybe even yourself for once.”

He was clenching his jaw so hard she expected it to shatter at any moment.

“Wouldn't you rather have the chance to have a wife you love than...” She stopped herself from saying anything that might be similar to what Olaug had written. She shrugged her good shoulder and gestured to herself. “Than me?”

Nyrunn’s voice was frigid even as his fury was burning through the bond. “You would have me be an adulterer.”

“No!” Idonea took a deep breath. She couldn’t let his emotions influence her, otherwise this would go south instantly. Their fights were bad enough without one feeding off the negative emotions of the other. “I mean, I'll be dead according to everyone's knowledge. And well, it's not like we've consummated the marriage. You're the king; you can have it quietly annulled if the legalities of it all concern you. Is this not the best solution for us all?”

He was silent for a moment, crossing his arms as he stared at her. She held her breath, pushing back at the flood of emotions he seemed to be trying and failing to contain on his own end.

Finally, in a quiet but cold whisper he said, “Even we elves aren't meant to have lived as long as you have. To have experienced everything you have.”

Where was he going with this?

“All of these lives have affected you in ways I cannot comprehend and your morals are so warped by it.” He took a step toward her, and she stayed perfectly still. “That you could think any honorable or decent man could just send his wife off, pretending she's dead so that he could take another, is evidence of that alone.”

Even if she wanted to move, she couldn’t.

“I know you hate me, and I even understand it more now given your past with my uncle, but when are you going to see things clearly? When are you going to see me as I am? How could you think so little of my character that I could ever entertain such a repulsive deception for my own supposed selfish gain?”

“I'm not—I wasn't trying to insult you! I'm trying to make this easier for you. I'm trying to save you from being stuck with my mess!” Idonea moved forward, not paying attention to her arm and letting out a hiss when a pang went through her shoulder at her careless motion. “I don't think little of you. If I did, I wouldn't be trying to spare you!”

“Spare me?” He scoffed. “You just want to spare yourself.”

Had he forgotten already just how her last life had ended? How his own uncle had been the one to put her down because she’d snapped?

“I want to spare Adastra from a queen who might unravel at any second because she's got too many lives in her head!” She stepped into his path. “You can't be so foolish as to believe I'd make a good queen. You could ensure Adastra has someone better, that you could have someone better at your side to help you, someone who loves you.”

He took a step closer, hand brushing over her arm, keeping it tucked to her chest. “I reject this notion of 'better.' You are my wife. And Adastra will be lucky to have you as a queen.”

Why couldn’t he see the bigger picture here?

“And what happens when my sudden tragic death catches up to me? You'll have to remarry anyway. Why try to make something work that never will?” She tried to step back slightly but he wouldn’t let her go. “Nyrunn, you don't have to do this. I want to do this for you.”

“You think I would ever let you die on my watch? Did you not hear me when I begged you not to die in my arms? Was my holding you and taking on your pain not enough to prove to you I will do whatever it takes to keep you?” He pulled her closer, and she had to catch herself on his shoulder to keep from slamming into him. “Let me make myself clear. What I have to do has nothing to do with this. You are the woman I married, and I am choosing you. I am not interested in an escape clause. Nothing I have learned after our marriage has changed any of that for me. I chose to step in and I would do it again in a heartbeat. You are my wife, and I will not cast you off because you cannot see your worth.”

Idonea didn't understand. None of this made any sense to her. But she'd only been making things worse by trying to argue the point, so maybe it was for the best she leave it until he was ready to see sense.

She nodded. “Alright. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. I'll try not to make too much of a mess of things.”

And then she was pulled directly into his arms, cheek pressed to his chest as he held her, running a hand over her shoulders.

“You won’t. I'm with you. You don't have to do this alone anymore.”

She didn’t, did she?

How foreign.

She reached up, wrapping her good arm around him and breathing in the soft, sweet scent of the soap that lingered in his clothes. Tears welled up in her eyes. “Thank you.”

“You're my wife.”

Again, saying it like it was some kind of explanation and not a sentencing.