Page 30 of The Wish
‘I know that, but I want to. When we first met, at university, I was the nerdy, English Lit student, he was top of his class in law, represented the uni in so many sports: football, athletics, swimming. I didn’t know what he saw in me, but we dated and fell in love.
The moment Jesse was born I saw something change in him.
He held her and melted into the world of fatherhood; he didn’t need to learn how to be a dad, he got it that first minute.
The two of them formed such a bond that I have to admit, sometimes I was jealous of him, but not for long. Jesse makes everyone feel special.’
‘I agree with that.’
‘She was kicking a ball before she could walk, she never walked, she ran. He taught her to swim in the ocean as a toddler. She wanted to run all the time, not just run, but chase, Dean, me, the cat. We got her into athletics when she was five and she excelled, she was beating the boys her age for years. We didn’t take much notice of the early symptoms. Occasionally she had a low-grade fever which never developed into anything serious, the bone and joint aches we put down to growing pains and pulled back on her training, we even ignored the occasional nose bleeds.
They stopped. It wasn’t until her times started going backwards in her best events at athletics, and I noticed her clothes were suddenly loose that we took her to a doctor. ’
‘Oh, Mandy, I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what that was like.’
‘So, when you say we are good parents, we don’t see it like that. We missed the early symptoms, and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t beat myself up for failing to be a good parent and getting help for Jesse sooner, and I know Dean feels the same way.’
‘I don’t know much about ALL, but you did nothing wrong. No one would know that those signs were symptoms, they sound mild.’
‘They were, and she bounced back from every fever, or nose bleed. But still. When you become a parent, you have one job and one job only: protect them at all costs.’
Alex looks out at Sam and his friends kicking a ball between them.
The noise of their play disappears as he travels back to his time as a boy.
No loving mother, no friends to kick a ball with.
He’d had so little, and yet somehow, he survived.
Beautiful Jesse has it all, and yet now it seems it will all be taken away from her and her family, a family like he’s never known.
He looks at Mandy, who wipes silent tears from her eyes.
‘Mandy, I don’t know what to say.’
Mandy gives a little nervous giggle.
‘That’s OK, so many people don’t shut up, but their words don’t help. I appreciate the honesty, there is nothing to say.’
‘I’m sure there is, I just don’t know the words.’
‘Actions speak louder than words. Alex, what you are doing for Jesse, for all of us, is beyond any words, beyond anything that could be done for us. It is Sammy, Dean and I who don’t have the words to thank you.’
‘I’m not sure Dean would agree.’
‘He will. It’s just hard for him. When she was first diagnosed, he spent weeks researching cures. He wanted to take Jesse to Cyprus for treatment.’
‘Jesse mentioned that.’
‘Really? I guess I’m not surprised. She was only thirteen then, so young. We tried to keep our pain and worry from her, but I don’t think we did a very good job.’
‘She told me she was glad you didn’t let Dean take her away for treatment. She trusts everyone on 6 East. She’s made close friends there who really help her – she wouldn’t have had that if she’d moved from hospital to hospital.’
‘She said that? Oh, my goodness, I never knew that’s how she felt. It’s haunted me that I may have contributed to her condition by not taking her wherever there was the hope of a cure.’
‘I think you knew it would be chasing false hope.’
‘Oh, Alex, there’s one thing I do know. There is no such thing as false hope, there is only hope.’
He shifts in his seat. He’s never thought of it that way. ‘Only hope,’ he echoes.
‘Mum, are you done?’ Sam calls out.
‘Almost, sweetheart. Sorry, Alex – I’ve been rambling. How can I help?’
‘Thank you for telling me more about your family.’ He leans forward. ‘I wanted to know if you would be prepared to read the poems you have written to Jesse to include in her wish?’
‘Is this what Jesse wants?’
‘Yes. And me too.’
‘Then of course I will. I’ll record them on my phone and send them to you if that’s OK?’
‘Absolutely. I’ll give you my number.’ He stands up, holds out his hand, but Mandy ignores it, and hugs him.
After exchanging phone numbers, Alex calls out goodbye to Sam.
Driving away on his motorbike, Alex takes the next turn towards the beach.
Stopping, he sits on his bike staring at the water.
What Mandy has told him makes him understand Dean more.
It’s only been a few weeks, but he’s become closer to Jesse than he ever dreamed he would – how must it be for her father?
How dreadful must it be to see every dream, every hope for your daughter’s future knocked down like dominos, one by one, until only false hope remains.
And yet how natural to hold on to that hope. As Mandy said – can any hope be false?
He thinks of what he said to Kelly, just a few nights ago – that every day brings him another reason to fight for Jesse’s wish, to make sure that it’s everything she hopes for. And that is the hope he can give her. That he can give her family.
He wipes his eyes, kickstarts his motorcycle. It’s time to get to work.