Page 30 of The Scrum-Half (Lincoln Knights #3)

Matty

There were some times in life you just had to admit you’d fucked up beyond all belief. And it was at times like that you had to call in expert help.

Or as close as I was going to get from the guys on the team.

“I fucked up and I need help,” I said, sitting down on Tuesday morning at one of the large tables in the canteen and looking at the suddenly inquisitive sea of faces around me.

I’d said it rather louder than I’d intended, because I was sure Jonny and Devon were already listening in from their table by the window.

Fuck it, I was pretty sure the whole room had heard me.

Oh well, I’d take any help I could get at this rate.

No suggestion was unwelcome if it would help me fix the monumental mess I’d made of things with Harper.

He’d been avoiding me since Saturday night and I wasn’t surprised, but it still hurt. Hurt wasn’t even a strong enough word. It felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me in the heart and testicles with a sharpened plastic fork, which was the most painful thing I could currently think of.

Or like someone was trying to cut my heart out of my chest with a blunt, rusted spoon.

“What did you do?” Bailey asked with a raised eyebrow as he lowered his fork, his plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and breakfast potatoes already half-empty.

“It’s got to be bad if you’re asking us for help,” Hunter muttered.

“Yeah, what happened?” Mason asked, appearing out of nowhere to slide into a seat beside me. “Everything was fine on Saturday.”

“Must have been after we all left,” Jonny said as he dragged his chair over to slot onto the end, plate in hand.

“Is it about Harper?” Devon asked, dropping into place beside his boyfriend. He was also holding a plate, this one piled high with fluffy pancakes and fruit.

“Has to be,” Bailey said. “You wouldn’t be asking otherwise.”

“Yeah, but he’s never asked for help with nannies before,” Hunter said with a frown. “Unless…” There was a moment of silence as the pin dropped. Then, “Oh my fucking God, you shagged him!”

There was a collective gasp of realisation and then a groan. “Fucking Christ, even I know you shouldn’t do that,” Danny said from the other end of the table as he gestured wildly at me with one hand. “You don’t mix work and relationships. That’s like, I don’t know—”

“The basics of employing a nanny,” Charlie said with a firm nod.

“Exactly,” Bailey said, pointing his fork at me. “It’s the power dynamics thing.”

“Don’t all workplace relationships have a power dynamics element?” Frankie asked.

Bloody hell, how long was this table? It didn’t matter anymore because half of them were all crowded around us, plates in hand. God forbid they didn’t get to finish their breakfasts. I was the only one here without an appetite.

“Yeah, they do,” West said. He was standing behind Mason and resting his arm on his best friend’s shoulder.

“But it really depends on the power structure in place. Two people in the same office or on the same team is different to an employer-employee situation. Jonny and Devon are teammates, but they’re also equals.

Matty hired Harper and is his boss, so it’s a completely different dynamic.

It would be like if one of you started dating Clive or Tommy. ”

There were some nods of agreement as they thought about this. And I suddenly realised none of them had said anything about me being queer or being with a man. It was normal to them. A total non-surprise. And I had to smile because I’d never been on a rugby team where that was the case.

I’d never been prouder.

“So how did you fuck things up?” Danny asked, voicing the question they’d all been desperate to ask.

I sighed. I knew I’d have to explain but I hadn’t actually thought through what it would feel like. And right now I wanted to run away and pretend I’d never said anything.

“Harper and I started something but we didn’t actually talk about what it was, whether it was casual or a relationship or whatever.

Anyway, Hannah figured it out and wanted us all to chat about it, but I said I needed to talk to Harper first, and then it turned out he’d overheard us talking, and now he’s freaking out and avoiding me.

He says we can’t be together because he won’t be able to work as a nanny, which is his dream job, and he doesn’t want to rely on me either. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Jesus Christ,” Mason said, rubbing his face like he was struggling to believe what I’d said. “You really fucked this up.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t think of any of this before you started hooking up?” Bailey asked with a raised eyebrow and an unimpressed look.

“No, obviously not,” I said, trying not to sound exasperated.

“Mate, for someone who is generally one of the smartest guys I know, you’re acting like a complete dumb-ass,” Danny said. “And that’s coming from me.”

“Yeah, if anyone’s been a dumb-ass, Danny would know,” Hunter said dryly.

“Thanks?” Danny frowned. “Hey—”

“Harper’s not wrong,” Devon said, neatly cutting Danny off before he and Hunter started arguing. “He has a very valid point.”

“Yeah,” Frankie said. “Like if you start dating and he stays on as Jack’s nanny, are you still going to pay him? My guess is he thinks not, so he’d need another job. But then who would look after Jack? And if he stays on full-time without pay, he has to rely on you.”

There was another hum of agreement, and then Kegan added, “Stay-at-home parenting is hard. You really have to trust the other person to provide for you. And if you leave, there’s a chance you’ll get nothing.

It would definitely be more difficult for him to find another job if he had a huge gap on his CV. ”

“You don’t think he could take Jack with him if he was nannying elsewhere?” Jonny asked. “Is that not a thing?”

“It depends on the family. They might be fine with it. They might be really funny about it,” Kegan said.

“Seems weird to me,” Jonny said. “Kids are kids.”

“Yeah, but people are always weird about their kids,” Mason said, looking at me pointedly. “Case in point, it’s taken our captain, what, six attempts to find a nanny who’d put up with his shit? Do you think he’d really be okay with Harper looking after Jack elsewhere?”

“Eight,” I said quietly, half hoping none of them heard me. I didn’t want to think about how Mason was right about the idea of Harper taking Jack to another house, especially if I didn’t know the family.

“Eight? Fucking hell, you are an uptight bastard,” Bailey said with a long exhale.

“And then you went and shagged the one who would put up with your nonsense?” Hunter asked. I wasn’t sure if it was rhetorical or not, but either way I wanted to answer.

“It’s more than that! It’s… Harper is the first person in a long time who makes me feel like I matter, like I’m not just Dad or Captain or whatever other people need me to be.”

“You really like him, don’t you?” Devon said softly, a little smile on his face that told me he understood.

“I do,” I said. “I know I’ve gone about this all wrong and I know I’ve fucked up, but I don’t want to wash my hands of this and say, ‘Well, that’s it then.’ I want Harper in my life, in Jack’s life, and I’m prepared to fucking fight for him. I just don’t know how.”

“You do. You’re just nervous,” Jonny said. He glanced at Devon and shifted one hand, putting it on his boyfriend’s leg under the table. “You have to talk to him. Really talk to him. Lay it all out and talk about all the hard things.”

“You can’t half-arse it,” West said with a nod of agreement. “You can’t assume he knows how you feel, and you shouldn’t make that assumption either.”

There were a few mutters around the table.

“I think…” Hunter said slowly, looking around.

“I think a lot of us aren’t as open with people as we should be.

Most of us have been told we shouldn’t be emotional or vulnerable—that it’s not what men do.

And I think a lot of us have tried to move past that, but it’s hard. ”

I’d never heard Hunter be so open and I wanted to reach down the table and pull him into a hug.

Bailey, who was sat next to him, put his arm around Hunter’s shoulders and squeezed.

“Especially in relationships,” Bailey said, looking at Hunter more than me.

“There’s so much bullshit about what men should and shouldn’t do, what we should want.

I don’t know if it’s different if you’re dating a man. ”

“A bit,” Devon said. “But everyone’s experience is different. And queer men have their own issues to deal with, depending on their background and even their appearance.”

“I’ve had it,” West said quietly. “When Rory and I got together, our experiences were so different and we had to kind of meet each other in the middle. That’s why you have to talk about it.”

“I’m sorry,” Danny said, an uncomfortable look on his face. “I know I’ve asked you some shitty questions in the past.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” West said with a smile.

I really was proud of them. I hadn’t expected anything like this to happen, but it felt like we’d needed it.

And all it had taken was me being a complete twat.

Hopefully, I didn’t have to make a habit of it to get everyone to open up like this.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll be open with him. And I’ll apologise for not talking to him sooner and the way he found out.

But what do I do about the job aspect?” Even though either one of us could have started that conversation about what we were doing, I should have taken the initiative.

Especially because the guys had made it very clear why Harper hadn’t.

Hindsight wasn’t very bloody helpful when it didn’t offer any solutions.

“Honestly, I think you can offer options, but it also has to come from Harper,” Mason said. “This is his job, his career, one I assume he’s worked bloody hard for.”

“He has. You should see all his qualifications, and one day he even wants to do a master’s degree about the impact of imaginative play. Something like that anyway,” I said.

“You already know how important this is to him,” West said. “That’s good.”

“Why?” I asked, although I thought I already knew.

“Means you’re not going to dismiss it as a silly hobby or something less important,” Bailey said.

“Yeah, working with kids is hard and he’s clearly dedicated.

If that’s his dream, you have to let him follow that,” Danny added.

It was a surprisingly pertinent point from him, and when we all turned to him in shock, he just shrugged and said, “My sister works with kids. Her ex used to think it was a joke. Just something to fill up her time until she got knocked up. He was a proper wanker.”

“He really was,” Charlie said in quiet agreement.

“I don’t think it’s a joke,” I said. “Fuck, sometimes I’m jealous of Harper’s childcare skills because there are times he makes it looks easy.

He even knows how to manage Jack’s screaming tantrums without wanting to cry into a pillow.

I don’t know how I managed for so long without him.

” I sighed and rubbed my face. “This is so much harder than I imagined.”

“Kind of what happens when you fall for your nanny,” Mason said with a wry smile.

“It was never going to be easy to untangle,” West said, patting me on the shoulder.

“We’ve got you, though,” Bailey said. “Well, the ones who’re actually in good relationships. The rest of us are all just here to rip the shit out of you.”

I chuckled. “I don’t think I deserve that.”

“Sorry,” Danny said. “That’s just the way it is. Do something stupid, and we’ll remind you of it forever.”

“We’re never gonna let you forget that mullet, that’s for sure,” I said.

“Oi! Lay off the hair! It’s a classic.”

“We’ll come back to it in ten years, see if you still feel that way.”

There was some laughter and a few comments from other people about style choices they regretted, from bad shirts to even worse haircuts.

And as I looked around the table at the men crowded around me, I couldn’t help think about how lucky I was.

My whole world might be falling apart, but at least I had people ready to catch me.

Maybe I should be more open with them, let them see more of who I was and what I liked. It would be good for me.

I turned to West and Mason and smiled. “I don’t suppose either of you ever watch Drag Stars ?”