Page 28 of The Scrum-Half (Lincoln Knights #3)

Matty

“So, Matthew, just how long have you been shagging your nanny?” Hannah asked crisply from the other side of the fridge door, her question sending an icy bolt of panic straight down my spine.

Thankfully, I was looking into the fridge, so I had two seconds to try and school my expression before I had to look at her.

How the hell had she known? Had she seen me kiss Harper?

No, she’d come in after he’d left. Hadn’t she?

Maybe she’d walked in, seen us, and then left again so she could confront me away from Harper. If that was the case, I appreciated her diplomacy, but I wasn’t going to admit to anything unless I had to.

Deep down, I knew I shouldn’t have kissed Harper but I didn’t regret my actions. Not yet, anyway.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, closing the fridge door with a platter of chopped vegetables in hand.

It seemed like an odd choice of food for a kid’s birthday, but as Harper pointed out, it was mostly for the adults.

Why the fuck I was thinking about catering choices at that moment, I didn’t know.

Maybe my brain had short-circuited with Hannah’s question and it was stuck on what was right in front of me.

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” Hannah said. She was stood by the kitchen island, her expression asking if we were really going to do this. “We promised to be honest with each other.”

“About Jack.”

“About everything .”

I sighed, not quite meeting her gaze. “Can we not do this now? Please? It can wait until after the party at least. Then we’ll talk about it. I promise.”

“Fine, but I’m not leaving until we do. I’ll sleep here if I have to.”

“I know you will.” I tried to smile but all I could manage was a grimace. “Just… don’t blame Harper. This is on me, not him.”

“Oh, I’m definitely blaming you,” she said coldly and I shivered. It was times like this she almost scared me because there was no hiding anything and no running away. In the past I’d admired this side of Hannah while hoping I’d never be on the end of it. But there was no escaping now.

This wasn’t how I’d wanted any of this to go.

I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Harper about what we were to each other and what we wanted.

That was my fault, but I’d been so worried about pushing him and asking for something he wasn’t ready to give.

But now I realised I had no idea if this really was just casual—even though it didn’t feel like it—or whether he actually wanted a relationship.

I knew what I wanted, but I couldn’t decide for both of us.

And now Hannah was going to ask questions I didn’t know the answers to. I’d been trying to have my cake and eat it too, but instead a trapdoor had opened up underneath me.

The worst part was I’d have to tell Harper that Hannah knew.

There was a good chance he’d run screaming and everything would end up in flames. I’d have to pick up the pieces and I’d have nobody to blame but myself.

This was going to be such a fucking mess.

I still didn’t regret it, though. Whatever I’d started with Harper was worth what came next.

He was worth it.

I just had to hope he’d be around for me to tell him that.

“I’m going to take these outside,” I said, holding up the platter. “Are you coming?”

“Yes,” Hannah said. She was still watching me closely, as if she was trying to peel back the layers of my soul.

“We’ll do the cake in a bit, once the games have finished.”

“Sounds good.” She paused and for a second she almost looked uncertain.

The expression looked strange on her, simply because I hadn’t seen it for a long time.

“Despite what you might think, I’m not doing this to hurt you.

I don’t want to be a villain in this situation, but you have to know why it’s important to have this conversation. ”

“Yeah.”

She let out a soft laugh. “God, you’re a terrible liar. Always have been.” She smiled sadly as she walked towards the kitchen door, the sound of children’s laughter bubbling in from outside. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Harper I know. I’m sorry, Matty.”

“Why?”

“Because I know whatever happens, you’re probably going to hate me for it.”

“No, I won’t.”

“We’ll see.” She walked away, leaving me standing there in stunned silence.

I took a deep breath and composed myself. The last thing I wanted was for someone to notice something was wrong.

Outside, a group of toddlers were running around like a line of excited, shrieking ducklings behind Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas , who looked so much like the film come to life I’d done a double take when I first saw her.

There were a few parents supervising, including Kegan and Frankie, and the rest of the rugby guys who’d turned up were all hanging out and chatting with some of the mums from nursery.

None of whom looked upset about the arrival of half a rugby union team.

Harper looked like he’d been scooped up by Mason and company, and I realised at some point I was going to have to explain why I hadn’t told Harper about Rory and Ryan or that he’d gone to the variety night. I’d add that to my list of explanations I had to give.

West saw me and waved, and since Mason and the rest of them were stood near the food, I couldn’t exactly avoid them.

“Hey, there you are,” Mason said. “We thought you’d gotten lost.”

“Sorry, Hannah and I were just chatting about some upcoming dates,” I said, sliding the vegetable platter onto the table. There was still quite a lot of food left, which surprised me. “Help yourselves to food. I don’t want anything left.”

“Oh, we weren’t sure if it was for the kids,” West said.

“Nope, it’s all up for grabs,” I said. “Just don’t eat the birthday cake.”

“It looks amazing,” Devon said, wasting no time picking up a paper plate and handing a second to Jonny. “I’d have loved a cake like that.”

“I can get you one this year if you want,” Jonny said with a smile.

“Don’t tempt me!”

“Oh, are we getting food?” Danny asked, appearing behind Devon with a grin. “That cake is amazing by the way! I love it!”

“Thanks,” I said. “But I did nothing. Harper ordered it.”

“It’s so cool,” Danny said with a nod at Harper.

“Thanks.” Harper smiled brightly and I almost melted. “You should have seen Jack’s face when he saw it. I thought he was going to explode.”

“He nearly did.” I stepped back to allow them more access to the buffet, hoping the word would spread and a few more parents would help themselves.

Maybe we’d overdone it a bit, but I hadn’t been sure whether I was supposed to feed everyone or not since it had varied at all the other parties I’d been to with Jack, and I hadn’t wanted anyone to go hungry.

The cake really was a masterpiece, though, perfectly mashing up the Halloween-dinosaur theme with a white chocolate T-Rex skeleton on the top embedded in dirt made of chocolate cake.

The baker had pressed more white chocolate bones around the side of the cake and even piped a few ghosts in white buttercream, each of them wearing a little party hat with green and orange stripes.

“Is everything okay?” Harper asked casually, his eyes on Jack and the other kids.

“Yeah.” I knew I had to tell him, but this was not the time or place.

“I was just thinking we should get some photos of Jack with Sally before we do the cake. Otherwise he’ll get distracted.

Then once we’ve done the cake, people can always head off.

But if anyone does want to stay, they’re welcome to.

It’s a nice afternoon, so the kids can play in the garden for a bit. ”

“Sounds good to me,” Harper said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, fine.” I smiled but I knew he’d see through it. “Now’s not the right time. We can talk later. Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad.”

“Well, now I’m going to worry.”

“You don’t need to.”

He gave me a long look. “Okay, I trust you.”

I wished he hadn’t said that because there was no way I deserved it. But there was no going back now, only forwards.

The rest of the party passed in a blur, with laughter and chocolate cake everywhere and very few tears. A lot of the kids from nursery left after the cake, but the ones Jack knew from rugby stayed—mostly because their dads were happy to hang out for a while.

Jack opened a few of his presents from the guys, which included some sort of bubble machine from Mason and Ryan, which Jack immediately wanted to set up, some gorgeous toy food from West and Rory, and a matching set of toy patisserie and cakes from Jonny and Devon.

There was some Play-Doh, some paints, some bath toys, a large plague doctor-style plushie that I thought might terrify Jack but he’d just gasped, squished it tight, and declared it his new best friend, and surprisingly, a rather lovely set of Brambly Hedge books from Danny.

Everyone had been fairly sensible, bar the bubble machine, although watching all the kids running around trying to pop them was hilarious, so I supposed Mason and Ryan got a pass. And at least it wasn’t messy.

Hannah and I maintained an easy distance, both of us pretending nothing was wrong even though I could feel the axe hanging over my head. My mind whirred as I tried to figure out what I wanted to say, my thoughts all bouncing around like rubber balls off a hard floor.

But one thing was crystal clear: I had to talk to Harper first.

I could not have a conversation with Hannah about our relationship without knowing where we stood or without him knowing what was going on. Harper trusted me, and I wasn’t going to break that by talking about him behind his back. And if that meant Hannah was pissed at me, then so be it.

“I know we promised we’d talk,” I said to Hannah as I carried some of the presents inside. “But it can’t be today. I have to talk to Harper first.”

Hannah looked at me, a plate of leftover cake in her hands.

It seemed like she was about to speak, so I pressed on.

“I like him, Han. A lot. And I don’t think I should be talking to you without him knowing what’s going on.

It’s not fair on him, and I won’t do it.

And you can be angry, but that’s not going to change my mind. ”

“Okay then,” she said.

“Seriously?”

“Yes.” Her mouth pulled slightly, like it often did when she was thinking. It was one thing I still noticed about her. “The fact that you said that… You’ve grown up a lot. I don’t think I’ve heard you do that before.” She smiled slightly. “A shiny spine looks good on you.”

“I’ve always been like this, haven’t I?” I asked, confused by her thoughts.

“Yes and no. I think with everything that happened… with me, with Jack, with your parents… I think it’s made you a bit more willing to stand up for what you want.”

I nodded briefly, suddenly knowing what she meant.

For years I’d tried to just let my parents’ criticisms and overbearing, meddling behaviour roll off my back.

I’d known they’d never liked Hannah, but I thought I’d done a good job of keeping them in check.

Then when we’d found out about her pregnancy, they’d gotten worse, especially since it had been an accident and we hadn’t even been together.

And after Jack’s birth, when Hannah had been diagnosed with severe perinatal depression, my parents had just continued to escalate.

I still had memories of coming home to find Hannah locked in the bedroom, sobbing, with my mum holding Jack and telling me how unfit Hannah was to be a parent.

My mother had never set foot in the house again after that.

Hannah still wouldn’t tell me what Mum had said to her and I doubted she ever would, but that day had been the slap in the face I needed to realise my parents were never going to stop. And I had to get my act together to protect my son and his mother.

It was probably part of the reason I’d veered so far into overprotective, because I’d failed once and I wasn’t going to do it again.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I should have stood up for you more. You shouldn’t have had to go through what you did, especially not when you were already struggling.”

“It’s fine,” she said, putting her hand on my arm. “You’ve apologised enough.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Just… promise me you’ll talk to Harper and then we can all have a conversation.

Jack has to come first here, okay? And I want you to be happy but I don’t want anything putting Jack’s care at risk.

Besides, we both know Harper’s the only nanny who’s ever stayed for more than two weeks, and you can’t afford to lose him. ”

“I don’t want to lose him.” Clarity smacked me around the side of the head so hard it felt like I’d been tackled.

“Yeah, he’s Jack’s nanny but he’s so much more than that.

He’s… fuck, Hannah, I really like him. He makes me feel like a person again.

Not just a dad or a captain, but someone who has needs and wants and dreams. He’s my sunshine. ”

“Then tell him that,” Hannah said. “But just know, he might need space while he figures it out. Especially because this involves his career… and you’re only talking about it because I found out.”

“I wasn’t going to mention that.”

She raised an eyebrow in wry amusement and pity. “He’s going to know.”

“How?”

“Because he’s standing right behind you.”