Page 29 of The Scrum-Half (Lincoln Knights #3)

Harper

“What’s going on?” I asked, standing in the kitchen doorway with Jack on my hip, his head buried in my shoulder. He was so tired, he’d almost fallen asleep in the garden, the excitement of the day having worn him out.

I’d brought him in with the intention of putting him down for a short nap to recharge before dinner, but I’d apparently walked into a conversation about me… and Matty.

Panic welled up inside me as I realised Hannah knew about us.

And although I’d missed too much of the conversation to work out how she felt, it was clear she wanted us all to talk about it at some point.

She was rightfully worried about Jack coming first, but then Matty had said something about me being more than a nanny.

I hadn’t really been listening, though, because the thoughts rushing around in my mind were all about how I was going to lose my job.

“Oh,” Matty said as he turned to face me, his cheeks above his beard flushing scarlet. “We were just talking.”

“About me.”

He nodded. “Yes.”

I licked my lips nervously, glad he wasn’t trying to hide it at least. “Jack fell asleep,” I said, because it was the only thing I could think of to say. “I was going to put him down for a nap.”

“I can take him,” Hannah said. She stepped towards me wearing a kind smile, but I felt myself freeze and tense.

I didn’t want to be here, but unless I turned and fled there was nothing I could do.

I wanted to roll back time and stay in the garden, blissfully ignorant of what was being discussed and pretending I could have everything.

Jack slipped from my arms and I watched Hannah carry him away, staring at the kitchen doorway long after they’d disappeared through it, my gaze turning fuzzy as I forgot to blink.

“Harper—” Matty started, his voice almost sounding far away, but I cut him off as I turned to look at him.

“Was this what you wanted to talk about?” I asked, the words strained as I pushed them off my tongue.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it didn’t seem like the right time or place. I thought with the party…” He trailed off but I understood. I’d have made the same decision in his place.

“Makes sense,” I said slowly. My limbs had unfrozen but the feeling had been replaced by lead instead, so they were heavy and unwieldy. An irritating buzzing filled my mind as all my thoughts tried to make themselves heard. “How long?”

“How long what?”

“Has Hannah known.”

“I don’t know. I assume she figured it out today. I don’t know how, though. I didn’t ask. Didn’t really seem like the pertinent question.”

“I guess not.” I had to presume Hannah had seen him kiss me.

It was the only option that wasn’t going to send me spiralling down a rabbit hole of my memories, examining every fragment of our interactions, trying to work out what had given me away.

“Do you… are you… my notice period is usually a month but I can be gone in a few days if that’s easier. ”

“What the fuck?” Matty looked bewildered and pain blossomed across my chest. I didn’t want to leave, but it seemed like the only option. “I’m not asking you to leave.”

“But we’re… we broke all the rules. And surely Hannah doesn’t want me working here if we’re hooking up.”

“I don’t care what Hannah wants,” Matty said quietly.

He stepped closer towards me, putting a hand out.

But I couldn’t take it. “I’m the only one who gets a say when it comes to Jack’s care.

And yeah, I’ll always consider her opinion and she gets visits, but at the end of the day, I’m the one with primary custody. ”

It made sense, but I wasn’t thinking logically. My heart was racing and I couldn’t focus on anything except the way my whole life was crumbling around me. I’d let my dick win, broken my number one rule, and on top of that I’d fallen so hard for this man nobody else would ever compare.

And now the consequences were coming for me.

“But she’s not going to want me around,” I said. “She could make your life hell, Matty, and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for Jack. You two have a great co-parenting relationship and your son loves you. I can’t let you ruin that. Fuck, I already have.”

“No, you haven’t.” He took another step closer and gently took my hand.

“Nothing has been ruined, I promise. We just need to talk about what we’re doing and what we want from this, then figure out how to make it work.

But I don’t want you to leave, sweetheart.

You’re my sunshine, Harper. You’ve made me feel like a person again, like I don’t have to just be Dad or Captain.

And I don’t want to throw any of that away. ”

I shook my head and tried to back away, but my feet were glued to the floor.

His words were sweet, and in any other circumstance they’d be all I wanted to hear.

“I don’t either but think about it… I can’t be your nanny if we’re together, and I can’t get another job because then who would look after Jack?

And we barely know each other. I can’t stop working and rely on you for everything.

What if something goes wrong? I know you’ll say it won’t but that doesn’t mean anything. ”

“Okay, so we’d have some kinks to work out but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible,” he said softly, squeezing my hand. “Between us we can figure it out. I want a relationship with you, Harper. A real, God-honest fucking relationship.”

“I do too but I don’t know if it’s possible.” I sighed and looked down. “We should never have started this.”

“Maybe not, but I’m glad we did. Because I like you, sunshine. A lot. And I know we should’ve talked about this ages ago but we’re talking about it now.”

“Doesn’t mean it’ll fix anything,” I said. I’d never been so pessimistic before and the emotion almost surprised me, but I’d never had to listen to my heart break in slow motion due to my own foolishness.

How could I have done this to myself?

How could I have been so careless?

“Please, Harper. Don’t give up on us.” Matty looked so pained and it was making everything worse. I didn’t want him to blame himself because it was both of our faults.

“I’m not. I’m being realistic. I don’t want this to end but I don’t see any other way.” My eyes started to prickle as it finally sank in how much I was going to lose. Not just Matty but my job and a little boy with a beautiful laugh that I’d completely fallen in love with.

“I have to think,” I said, finally pulling away from him and taking a step back. “Please, just let me think.”

“I… Okay,” he said. It was clear he didn’t like it. That he didn’t want to give me the space I needed. But with all my thoughts swirling around like a swarm of angry bees, I was in no state to have a constructive conversation, let alone make a decision.

I needed to collect my thoughts and mull them over.

And there was only one person I wanted to help me do that.

“I fucked up,” I said as soon as Marissa answered the phone, barely letting her say hello before the words started tumbling out of me.

“I fucked up in the most enormous way possible and now everything is awful and I’m going to lose my job and I’m never going to be able to work as a nanny again and I’ll have to come and live with you in your attic like some sort of goblin while I try and figure out what to do with the rest of my life because I’ve ruined everything. ”

I said all of this very quickly, barely pausing to take a breath.

There was a shocked moment of silence, and then Marissa said, “Honey, I’m going to need you to breathe. And then I’m going to need you to tell me whose fucking arse I need to kick.”

“You don’t need to kick anyone’s arse. Except maybe mine.”

“No, you’re my little brother and you’re perfect. Everyone else is wrong.”

“I don’t think they are.”

“You are perfect,” she said firmly. “Don’t make me kick your arse too.”

I chuckled, wiping a tear out of the corner of my eye.

Not that it did much considering the way they were streaming down my cheeks.

I’d barely made it up to my room before I’d started to cry properly, flopping on the floor by the sofa because I couldn’t even summon the energy to crawl onto the cushions.

A little hiccupping sob escaped my lips and Marissa made a soothing sound. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, honey, you don’t need to be sorry. Just tell me what happened. We can fix it, I promise.”

“I don’t think you can.”

“Watch me. Just say the word and I’ll grab Sophie and Leigh. We’ll be there in two hours tops. I will defy the laws of physics and the British roads.”

Another bubble of laughter mixed with a sob popped on my tongue, making me squeak pathetically like a sad, lonely kitten. “I really fucked it, Mari. I broke rule number one.”

“Never give a child glitter unless you’re willing to clean it up?”

“That’s rule two,” I said. “Rule one is never fall for, get involved with, or fuck a parent. Ever.”

“Ah, that rule. Let me guess, you slept with the hot single dad?”

“Yep.”

“More than once.”

“Yep.”

“That’ll do it,” she said, letting out a long breath through her nose, and I knew exactly what her face looked like even though I couldn’t see it. “What happened?”

“His ex, Jack’s mum, figured out that we were together?

I don’t know. That’s not even the right word because we never even talked about what we were doing until now.

Which, yeah, we probably should have done.

Anyway, she worked out something was going on and said we all need to have a conversation, which we do, but Matty thinks it’ll all be fine.

Like he doesn’t seem to understand that I’ve just ruined my life. ”

“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, but if his ex is okay with it and Matty thinks it will be fine, what’s the problem? Don’t you want to be with him? Was it just sex and you don’t want more?”

“No, I want more,” I said as I drew my knees into my chest and hugged them, my toes curling into the carpet.

“I really like him. He cares so deeply about everything, and he’s so kind.

He takes so much interest in everything I say, and he wants to share so much of his life with me.

And he loves Jack so much it just makes me melt.

Like I can talk to him for hours and always feel like there’s more to say, and I want to stay here, in this house, with him forever. But I can’t.”

“Why not? If you both want it.”

“Because I’d be throwing away everything for something so uncertain.

” How could I make her understand? “I worked so hard to get where I am, to be the best nanny I can be, but if we get together, I can’t be a nanny anymore.

I certainly can’t be Jack’s nanny, which would defeat the purpose of me being here, so Matty would have to hire someone else.

And if I stayed, then I wouldn’t be able to get another job because who would look after Jack?

And if I stayed, Matty couldn’t pay me, so I’d be totally reliant on him for everything, and I can’t put that level of trust in him.

Not this early on. I can’t see any solution to this that involves me getting to be with Matty and getting to do the job I love. ”

Marissa sighed and I could practically hear her thinking. “Do you think I’m overreacting?” I asked.

“No, I don’t think so. But there has to be a way. Maybe a day nanny? You could be a day nanny.”

“But they’d have to be willing to let me bring Jack, and I doubt that would happen.”

“You don’t know that until you ask,” she said. “After all, if they have kids who are a similar age, it could be a great fit.”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t really want solutions right now, do you?”

“No,” I said. “I know it’s silly but I just want to be miserable for a bit.”

“Oh, honey, I wish I was there to hug you.”

“I wish you were too. Can I come and see you tomorrow? I have the day off.”

“Of course,” she said softly. “Come first thing and we can just chill together. Okay?”

“Okay. I love you,” I said, a fresh round of tears running down my face. I didn’t know why I was still crying. Nothing made sense anymore.

“I love you too,” she said. “Want to tell me all about Jack’s party? How did Sophie’s friend get on?”

A little smile nudged the corner of my mouth at the suggested distraction, the memories of Jack running around on the lawn popping bubbles, or watching Sally in awe, or giggling as he blew out his birthday candles.

Whatever happened, at least I’d have those to cherish forever.

And the way Matty had smiled as he’d watched.