Page 36 of The Road Back Home

My steps falter at Holden’s voice, but I don’t stop pacing.

The stairs creak slightly under his weight as he descends to the backyard, and I step more quickly.

I need to get away. Unfortunately, Holden is quicker: His hand wraps around my arm, and he gently pulls me to a stop.

I close my eyes so I can avoid seeing the concern—the judgment—on his face.

His arms rest too heavily on my shoulders; I lay my forehead against his chest and fight against the urge to fall apart.

“What’s wrong?” he murmurs, and I flinch, tugging away. He sighs when I turn away. “Talk to me, please.”

I force out a watery laugh and scrub at my face with the palm of my hand. “Nothing. Just… Nothing.”

“Dealla, stop. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I just…” I sigh, slumping, and cover my face.

“I’m tired. I’m so damn tired. Always so scared I’m going to fail.

Anytime I have to scold Ashton or do anything besides play with him, I’m suffocated by this—this terror that he’s gonna grow up hating and resenting me.

I can ignore it most of the time. I mean, I can’t be worse than Katie, that’s for fucking sure, but tonight seems to just reaffirm that I deserve to feel this way. ”

“What do you mean?” he asks, and his brows are drawn together when I drop my hands. He’s listening. He’s listening and he wants to know and he cares .

“You were there for him. I was too busy selfishly hanging out with Eddie to even know Ash had a nightmare. But you knew. You knew, and you fixed it. You’ve been so wonderful to and for him. And fuck, Holden… It’s not fair to you.”

My words echo in the silence between us.

I watch him closely, can see the second he realizes what I mean.

His lips press together until they’re barely more than a jagged line in his face.

His jaw tics, and I know this is going to hurt like hell.

Goodbyes have never been terribly difficult for me—I’m too used to goodbyes—but this… This is different. He is different.

Holden inhales deeply and, surprisingly, reaches for me.

“I know this is hard,” he says as he closes the distance between us.

“It’s not easy for me, either, coming in and trying to find my footing in a family made before I ever found it.

I understand the fears and second-guessing yourself.

But don’t assume you know what’s best for me, for us, and end what we have. Because that isn’t fair to me.”

I wrench out of his grasp, laughing without humor.

“Why not? You didn’t sign up for this!” I shout as I gesture in the direction of the house.

“You and I were content with being fuck-buddies when you had time, then that changed. Now you’ve had me and a child taking over your house.

Your life. Why in God’s name would you be okay with this? ”

“Because I fucking love you, damn it!”

My head snaps back in response, and I gape in wide-eyed silence at him.

Holden sighs heavily and shoves a hand through his hair.

Neither of us speaks for a long minute; he’s clearly gathering his thoughts, and my world is upside-down.

My tongue is stone in my mouth. He grabs my hand, grip tightening when I instinctively try to pull away.

“Listen, Dealla. Yes, we started out as friends with benefits. Yes, that was nice. Really fucking nice, actually. But I told you all those months ago that I don’t do casual well.

I came to your apartment drunk off my ass, terrified you’d run if you knew my feelings because it wasn’t what you wanted.

You’d told me you couldn’t do a relationship, and a relationship is what I wanted. ”

“Holden, please, stop,” I plead with a cracking voice.

“No, Dee. I’m not good with words, I know this, not unless it’s a song, but I need you to hear me.

” His hands are warm on my cheeks, and I close my eyes as he brushes away the tears with his thumbs.

He presses a soft kiss to my hair, rests our foreheads together.

“Whatever we had between us changed, and it felt… right . Okay? I didn’t hesitate to ask you to move in.

How I felt didn’t change just because I knew Ashton would always come first. I didn’t mind that you and him came as a package.

I wanted you in my life, so I wanted him in my life.

You’re both so fucking important to me, I love you both so much.

So yeah, you might think I didn’t sign up for this, but Dealla?

The second I realized casual wasn’t working for me, I signed up for whatever came after that. ”

I open my eyes to stare at him, the darkened gray of his eyes and the softness they hold.

He nudges my chin until I lift my head, and the kiss he brushes to my lips is gentle and reassuring.

The last of my panic, my worries and doubts and everything that’s had me in a chokehold, fades away.

He tugs me in against his chest, setting his chin on top of my head.

“I don’t expect you to say it back, not if you’re not ready. Just… Don’t try to make decisions for me.”

I nod. The tears come faster, spurred by the relief suffocating me.

I melt into the warmth and safety of his arms, and nearly fall to my knees when he repeats the three words I myself have been trying to say for the last four months.

I love you . I breathe in the scent of the warm night, the soil beneath our bare feet, the sweet edge to his spiced cologne.

My emotions—mixed-up as they are—have drained me of any sort of energy. My body yearns for years of sleep.

Somehow, Holden understands. He leads me across the yard, and we climb the stairs to the deck in silence. He speaks only to tell me Eddie has gone home: “He didn’t think you needed an audience.” I nod and follow him up to our bedroom. My heart clenches at the sight in front of me.

Ashton is sprawled in the center of the mattress, surrounded by pillows.

One little hand clutches his purple lion, and he doesn’t move even when I climb into bed beside him.

Peace diffuses through me as I settle in beneath the duvet, and I curl around his body.

Holden runs a hand over the sleeping child’s hair then leans down to kiss my cheek.

I reach up to stroke a trembling finger along his cheekbone.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and his lips twitch before he’s kissing away my apology. “And I…”

“I know. Take your time.”

The weight of the conversation hangs over my head, but I no longer struggle under it.

I breathe in slowly as Holden slides in under the sheets on the other side of Ashton.

The room fills with quiet, interrupted only by the steady breathing coming from the other two.

A nightlight, the one from Ashton’s room, sends an illuminating image of cartoon puppies onto the ceiling.

I turn my attention from the characters smiling overhead to the toddler I lie beside.

Pride and love bloom in my chest as I think of his life so far, of who he’s becoming and who he’ll be. I ignore the dark voice in my head that says I can’t do this. I have to. I can’t let Ashton down like his mother has so many times before. Failure isn’t an option.

Having Holden by my side through all of this can only make it that much easier.