Page 21 of The Road Back Home

“We should talk to a judge.”

I freeze, tightening my grip around the phone in my hand.

Ashton pushes his cars around on the rug with vroom noises, a smile on his face.

He’s oblivious to everything going on, the way his mother is able to ruin my life.

The way she is ruining my life. A spike pierces my heart, and I inhale shakily.

My palms grow clammy. Why would Katie need a judge? I clear my throat and eke out a “Why?”

Katie sighs, and I imagine her running her fingers through her fine hair. “I… I can’t keep him. I’m not the mother he needs, and I don’t think I will be for a while. Not until I get help for myself.”

“So you want to give him away to some strangers ?“ I swallow thickly as a tear slips down my cheek. “Katie, your mom would love to have him. She’d make sure he has a good life. Or I can—I can take care of him. I can . He’ll be in good hands with me. He doesn’t need strangers.”

“I know, Dealla. I know that. It’s why I, well, I want to sign custody over to you. If you’re sure you can handle it.”

“Kate…”

I squeeze my eyes closed and sniffle. Can I really handle raising a child?

Of course I can. I remind myself I’ve been the one constant in Ashton’s life since Katie began her downward spiral.

But it’s different when the responsibilities are all the time, never-ending and without break. Ashton… Ashton is worth it. Right?

God, is he worth it.

“Are you sure?” I whisper.

“Are you ?“ Katie counters. “Look, Dealla, you’ve… You’ve been a better mom to him than I ever have. You’ve always put him first, even though he isn’t your responsibility.

He adores you. You’re the best person for the job.

I know Mom would take him, but let’s be honest. There’s really no relationship between them because of me. So will you do it?”

There’s no hesitation: “Yes. Fuck yes, Katie, I’ll do it.”

“Good. I’ll, uh, I’ll call you once I know more.”

“Thank you.”

Katie hangs up without another word, and I drop to sit on the couch.

I can’t believe it. My thoughts have fled in the face of the offer.

The near-plea that I care for the little boy I’ve loved so fiercely for two years.

I call his name and pull him into my arms once he gets close enough.

He squirms, but I don’t release him. Pressing a kiss to his hair, I promise to be what he needs.

I spend the rest of the day searching the internet for a well-recommended guardianship attorney within a thirty-mile radius.

If Katie is serious, then I need to be prepared.

I don’t tell anyone about my stepsister’s call—I couldn’t bear it if others knew, got excited, got hopeful, only for Katie to change her mind.

I don’t think I could handle if Katie changed her mind.

My phone rings shortly after Ashton goes to bed for the night, and I stare at the contact photo on the screen.

A voice in my head tells me to ignore the phone, to go to bed and fall asleep to the sound of my nephew breathing.

A larger part of me wants to hear Holden’s voice.

It’s been three days since we talked on the phone—he’s back on tour, which means less time to do more than send a sporadic text or selfie.

“Hey, thought you weren’t gonna answer,” he says as soon as I press Accept.

“Almost didn’t,” I admit, picking at a thread on my shorts. “Then I figured I can sleep when I’m dead. Talking to you is more important.”

“Glad I’m worth that spot. So how was your day?”

I tell him about Ashton and my early-morning lecture while Luci watched him, the professor who managed to lock himself out of the hall and had to wait for maintenance to come let him in.

By the time we students filed in, there were only fifteen minutes left of class.

That hadn’t stopped him from assigning homework.

“Katie called, too,” I say hesitantly, uncertain whether I should say anything at all.

“Yeah? How’d that go?”

“Better than I expected.” I scratch at the corner of my eye; when I pull my hand back, an eyelash rests on the tip of my finger. “She wants me to have custody of Ashton.”

Holden is quiet after the declaration. So silent, I check the screen of my phone to make sure the call is still connected. It is, the seconds ticking upward. Finally, he coughs quietly, but he doesn’t speak. I frown at the silence.

“She’s gonna talk to a judge,” I add, hoping it will spur a response.

It does: “So you’re accepting custody if a judge will allow it?”

“Yeah. If Katie goes through with it, yes. I mean, I have him all the time now, anyway. It wouldn’t be much different.”

“That’s true.”

Something in Holden’s voice gives me pause.

Is that doubt I hear? Does he think I can’t do this?

Does he think this is reason enough to break up?

Will he think I’ll end up using him for Ashton’s benefit?

I would never, but there must be some sort of questioning deep in his soul.

After all, we’re so different. We lead very different lifestyles.

His money would make raising a child easier, if I were so inclined.

I’m not.

But does he know that?

“Well, I think it’s great that she’s wanting to do this,” he says, and my heart skips a beat. “Ash deserves so much better than he’s had, and you’re amazing with him.”

“You… You don’t think it’s a mistake?”

Holden snorts; I can almost see him shaking his head. “Of course not. Like you said, he’s with you nearly every day already. The only thing that’ll really change is your title. Instead of just ‘Aunt’, you’ll be—what will you be?”

“Whatever he needs me to be.” I sigh and curl my legs under me, draping the throw blanket over my lap. “I just hope she doesn’t decide to say ‘never mind’.”

“I hope so, too.”

I end the call twenty minutes of idle conversation later, citing a need to go to bed.

I let my head fall back, closing my eyes, and breathe in and out slowly.

Regret lingers in my chest. I should never have told Holden about what Katie said.

Not only is it not a definite, I haven’t said a word about it to my best friends or parents.

They should have been the first to know.

Why was it so easy to tell Holden, when it’s so difficult to even think about telling anyone else?

I fall asleep still wondering.

The next morning brings a check-up appointment for Ashton, and I puff with pride at how well he’s doing.

Despite everything he’s gone through, he’s healthy and thriving.

I struggle against my own tears when he starts screeching at the needle penetrating his skin.

I loathe watching him get vaccinations, but I know it’s for the best. So I merely hold him close and whisper encouragement in his ear until the nurse is finished.

“You did so good,” I murmur, rubbing my hand across his back. “I’m so proud of you, baby. I know it hurts, but it’ll go away soon, I promise.”

“Any news on her?” the nurse asks as she gathers up the packaging. Lira pretends she isn’t dawdling, and I give her what she wants: an answer. Everyone who works in this office, including the pediatrician, knows Katie. They know the situation. The barebones, anyway.

“Not really. She called yesterday to apologize, but that’s about it. She has court soon, so I guess we’ll see what happens next.”

“Sometimes, I wonder why fate would ever have given that darling child to her, but you’re doing a great job, Dealla. Hey, Ashton, we got new stickers. Wanna grab a couple?”

“Yes,” the boy sniffles with a pout on his sullen, tear-soaked face.

I stifle a laugh and kiss his temple. “C’mon, kiddo, we’ll grab a sticker then go see Tristan and Luci for coffee.”

“I coffee?”

“Yeah, why not.”

Ashton seems to have forgotten all about the vaccinations by the time I park in the lot of Rise & Grind.

He shifts the sticker in his hand, squealing when the sunlight catches on the glitter just right.

I unbuckle him quickly, heft him out of his seat.

His fingers cling tightly to his sticker as I carry him inside.

Luci is moving before she’s even fully passed over the customer’s coffee: She plucks the toddler from my arms and presses a smacking kiss to his cheek.

“Hey!” I laugh. “If you’ve got him, who’s gonna get me my coffee?”

“You practically live here. Make it yourself.”

Snorting, I shake my head and make my way down the short hall that leads to the kitchen. I knock lightly then stick my head around the door. Kenny glances up from where he’s preparing danishes and grins widely when he sees her.

“Hey, Dealla! Long time, no see.”

“I know, I need to come by more often. So, uh, we have a minor issue. Ash stole Luci’s attention, which normally, I don’t mind, but I really need the caffeine this morning, so I’ll be making my own.”

“You injure yourself—”

“Pretend it happened elsewhere because your insurance doesn’t cover the stupidity of someone who decided they were smart enough to operate unfamiliar machinery.”

Kenny laughs, boisterous and bright, over the strain of classic rock playing on the radio. “Attagirl. Tell Luci that the pastries will be right out.”

“Thanks, Ken, you’re the best.”

Coffee and Ashton’s peppermint-chocolate milk in hand with minimal trouble, I head to the table where Luci and Ashton are talking animatedly—or rather, Luci is ooh ing and ahh ing over the sticker Ashton practically shoves in her face.

I sit in a free chair and watch him interact, seemingly unaffected by the fact he hasn’t seen his mother in over two months.

I open my mouth to say something, but my words are interrupted by the vibration of my phone.