Page 24 of The Road Back Home

When Holden texts to ask if I’m okay, I don’t respond.

I merely shut off my phone and ready Ashton for bed.

Of course I’m not okay. Nothing is okay.

I am losing one of the greatest things in my life; Holden just doesn’t know it yet.

I have Ashton to think of now, and Holden can never come before the toddler.

I fall asleep to the snuffling breaths of Ashton beside me and the hollow of heartbreak beneath my breast.

The quiet shatters with the harsh gasp, and I bolt upright in bed.

My breath shakes from my lungs. My heart jerks into a painful rhythm.

Icy sweat coats my skin, and goosebumps prickle across my flesh.

The vestiges of the nightmare slip like water through my fingers, though I fight to remember.

The only thing I can recall is the suffocating sensation of loss and loneliness, the desperation.

My hand trembles as I reach for the phone that’s not on the nightstand.

My brain reminds me I’d left it on the table before coming to bed.

I push sweat-soaked hair from my face and glance at Ashton who sleeps on peacefully.

I try to take heart in this—he wouldn’t be so at ease, even in sleep, if I’d messed up already, right?

The bed frame squeaks quietly when I carefully scoot to the edge of the mattress, and I move on silent footsteps toward the door.

I close it behind me and slide the dimmer switch on the living room wall to half-power.

The lights come on in a soft glow, and I scrub a hand over my eyes.

My phone lays where I’d set it last night.

Sighing, I busy myself with heating some water for tea.

Mug in hand ten minutes later, I sit on the couch, crossing my legs, and stare at the phone.

The sun hasn’t even touched the horizon, the streetlights and silence warning me it’s too late—too early—to be awake.

Holden is still asleep, and I don’t know if he even wants to hear from me right now.

I’d turned him down, after all, and that always begets the end.

An echoing voice in my mind repeats, He’s going to leave you, he doesn’t want you anymore, you screwed up . I wipe away the tear that slips free.

Losing Holden has always been a possibility, but he’d proved himself wonderful.

He’s never demanded my attention, he’s always understood canceled phone calls and limited contact.

He accepted so readily that Ashton has always been, and always will be, my number one priority.

I squeeze my eyes closed and recall the week I spent in Franklin.

The peace of no plans, nothing to do but spend time with Holden.

The comfort of waking in his arms, going to bed whenever I wanted and spending time memorizing everything about him.

I want that back. All of it, all of him .

I know this isn’t Ashton’s fault. The child is an innocent victim of a selfish mother, and I can’t resent him for my life being upended. I can’t blame him for taking away possibilities. But damn it, I hate Katie for this situation.

Tears I tried to ignore break loose, and I sob with the mourning that consumes me.

This is going to be the thing that destroys my relationship.

I will be left alone to care for a child I didn’t bring into this world, and I will never find another man like Holden even if I search for the rest of my days.

He’s a breed of his own: too kind and patient and caring. He’s irreplaceable.

Or maybe it’s because I love him more deeply than I’ve ever loved a partner.

He has burrowed beneath my skin, fractured and dismantled all the walls I’ve kept firmly in place.

I nearly drown in the truth that Holden is too perfect for me.

I should have known from the beginning and walked away that day in the coffeeshop.

I shouldn’t have given him my number and hopes of something more.

Our friendship should never have happened, and this relationship?

Should have never seen the light of day. I should have run like Hell that day.

“Uh-oh, An’ Dee thill!”

I jerk awake, blink blearily at the toddler standing next to the couch.

My neck twinges when I sit upright, and I realize I fell asleep on the couch and, as Ashton pointed out in his sweet little voice, spilled tea on the floor.

I push at his shoulder gently, and he takes a step backwards.

Thanking him, I stand and hurry to the kitchen to grab paper towels.

The stone floor is a blessing this morning, leaving no sign of the spill as I mop up the liquid.

Once the mess is cleaned, I buckle Ashton into his highchair and peel a banana for him. He’s just bitten off a chunk when someone knocks on the door. Dealla frowns and ambles to the entryway.

“Oof, you look like shit, babe.”

“Gee, thanks, Luci, I needed to hear that.”

Luci gives me a once-over then points with her empty hand toward the bathroom. “Go take a shower. Your coffee will be waiting for you.”

“What would I do without you?” I ask as I take the cup to suck up a mouthful of mocha.

“Have no life, mostly. Now go .”

I roll my eyes but do as ordered once she yanks the cup away.

My spine protests when I lean down to turn on the tap.

As the water warms, I undress and scrub my teeth clean.

The shower helps ease the tension in my muscles, the pain in my joints, and I breathe out slowly as I relax beneath the spray.

My thoughts finally stop running circles around each other; my head no longer swims with the uncertainty. I’ll be fine, no matter what.

By the time I step out of the shower, I feel steadier. I dress quickly then join Luci and Ashton in the living room. They’re playing with his plastic dinosaurs and building blocks, and I flop down onto the couch and reach for the iced mocha. Luci glances up from the pink T-rex.

“So what’d you tell him?”

“Damn, not even gonna give me a chance to indulge in some coffee first? Wait, is this why you’re here?”

“Yep.”

“I thought it was because you missed my face.”

“Of course I didn’t. I just needed the daily dose of your drama.”

I gape at my friend; there is rarely drama in my life that isn’t manufactured by outside sources. Then I remember yesterday, the upheaval of my life, and amend my reaction. Definitely drama.

“Well, I, um… I told him I can’t move in with him.”

“How did he take it? Oh, no!” Luci gasps, staring at me with wide eyes and dropped jaw. “He didn’t break up with you, did he?”

“Not yet. Don’t look at me like that, Luce.

You know as well as I do that it’s just a matter of time.

I mean, the distance and now the rejection?

He has to decide whether it’s worth dealing with me and my shit long-distance permanently or if he should cut his losses. It’s pretty obvious which he’ll pick.”

Luci hands the dinosaur to Ashton, crosses the living room to sit on the couch, and pulls me into her side. I breathe in the aroma of coffee, mint, and wild jasmine, and she shakes me gently.

“I’m not saying you didn’t surprise him by saying ‘no’. Hell, you mighta even shaken his confidence a bit. But you should talk to him about it, okay? Don’t let your fears get to you if they’re unfounded.”

“What if he doesn’t think it’s worth it anymore?”

“Then he’s an idiot, and I’ll fly to Tennessee to tell him that.”

I lets her words wash over me, comfort me.

Uncertainty still clings to my every molecule, and it will until I talk to Holden like Luci suggests, but it’s lessened its hold on me.

I’m not alone. I don’t have the chance to dwell on what could go wrong.

Luci doesn’t let go of me, and I don’t ask to be released.

Holden

Are you busy?

I raise a brow at the screen of my phone and glance away from where I’m slathering peanut butter onto a slice of bread.

Luci pops a grape into her mouth, cocking her head, and I mouth Holden’s name.

Nodding, Luci goes back to her snack while I finish making Ashton’s sandwich.

I hand it off a moment later then pick my phone up once more.

Dealla

Just finished making lunch for Ash. Why?

Holden

Can’t a man just want to talk to his girlfriend?

Girlfriend . Holden called me his girlfriend.

Is this a trap? My mind trips over the potentials of conversation, and I fight to get the thoughts under control.

Overthinking will get me nowhere. I manage to calm slightly and tap the button to start the call.

Perching on the stool next to Luci, I run a hand through my hair and waits.

“Hi.”

Hearing Holden’s voice causes my words to dry on my tongue. I clear my throat and turn away from Luci’s inquisitive look. “Hi. Uh, what’s up?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking. We need to talk.”

My heart stutters at the words. Blood freezes in my veins; my face grows cold then hot then cold again. My heartbeat pounds in my ears. I swallow harshly and will away the rock in my stomach. It remains. Luci frowns but doesn’t speak.

“About what?” I croak out.

Holden chuckles in my ear, and a shiver runs down my spine. “It’s not a bad kind of thinking.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.” I cough quietly and drum my fingertips across the countertop. “So what have you been thinking?”

“I know you said you can’t move in, and I understand, don’t think I don’t! This isn’t me trying to guilt you into changing your mind. I was just… I was wondering if you’d be okay with you and Ashton coming here for Christmas?”

“ What ?”

“Come here for the holidays, unless you have plans already?”

My head spins with the relief that he isn’t breaking up with me. Ice cracks, melts, and I can breathe again as warmth flows through me. My body feels unsteady, as if I’ll fall off my stool if I so much as dare to breathe. My lips, wooden and numb, move to form the words:

“Are you sure?”

Holden’s confusion fills his voice as he says, “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because—Give me a sec. Luce?”

“Go on, I got this.”

I thank my friend then make my way to the bedroom. Holden stays quiet, only his breathing coming down the line, and I lower myself to the end of my bed. He doesn’t push for me to speak, and I love that about him. He’s always so patient.

“I want to.”

“But?”

“But Holden, it’s different being around a kid constantly. It wouldn’t be like when you come here, where you can leave whenever you want and not have to think about Ash. And it certainly won’t be like the week I spent there.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Holden snorts, and I can imagine him shaking his head.

The fond exasperation on his face. “Dealla, I invited you to move in. I knew full well it wasn’t going to be as easy as when it was just us.

I know that with Ashton here, we won’t be able to do half the things we did at the drop of a hat.

I get it. Doesn’t stop me from wanting y’all here. ”

My toes curl around the edge of the abyss; I stare into the tenebrous dark and weigh my options.

If Holden is certain—if he truly wants this—who am I to deny him something so small, something I yearn for as well?

But, the abyss whispers back, he could still change his mind.

Spending a few hours with a child is nothing compared to the responsibility of having the child around twenty-four-seven.

There’s no proper preparation for having a child in your life every second of every day.

I had months to get ready for Ashton’s existence. Holden hasn’t had that.

“If you’re sure,” I begin, closing my eyes, “then I guess Ashton and I will be there.”

Holden blows out a breath that crackles the line, and his smile comes through when he says, “Good. That’s—that’s great. Thank you, Dealla. Okay, I should have been in the shower already, so give Ashton my love, and I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay.”

I end the call and chew on the inside of my cheek.

Holden hadn’t ended our relationship. In fact, he did the opposite.

I know I should be thrilled, doing a happy dance and shouting it from the rooftops, but a dark cloud hovers over my head.

There’s the risk that this could all go sideways.

That Holden will find everything too much to handle and end it while we’re in Tennessee.

Then where would Ashton and I be? Shaking my head, I dismiss the thoughts as best as I can.

Thinking this way will only drive me out of my mind.

I give me another minute to compose myself then I stand. I shove the fears and doubts into their box in the rear of my mind, and there they wait obediently for me to examine them further. Right now isn’t the time to do so. Right now, I have a child to care for, so that is what I’m going to do.

The next couple of hours are spent binge-watching some 90s sitcom while Ashton naps and kissing him goodbye once he wakes.

My life may be topsy-turvy, but I still have responsibilities.

I have class to go to and a degree to work towards.

Luci ushers me out the door then shuts it behind me; the lock scrapes into place.

All I can do is laugh, shake my head, and walk away.

Class passes surprisingly quickly. I manage to make it through the lecture without my attention straying for too long, and I even take notes that make sense. My phone emits a low ding as I follows my friends to the parking lot. I say a distracted goodbye and pull up the email that has just come in.

Two round-trip tickets, bound for Nashville, Tennessee on the seventeenth and back to Austin on the fifth of January.

Sending Holden a text saying nothing more than ‘Thank you’, I slide into the driver’s seat, reverse from the parking stall, and point the wheels toward home.