Page 10 of The Road Back Home

I hear the I’ll miss you hidden in his words.

I don’t mention it. I just promise and watch him walk away.

When the door closes behind them, I flop onto the couch and groan.

Loudly. Of course this would happen. It’s just my luck that somehow, some way, my best efforts and vows to myself failed.

Feelings interjected themselves into the situation.

I was content with what we had, the sex and nothing more.

Here I am, though, wanting more and knowing it will be the death of me. It’s the cure and the disease, and isn’t that just my luck?

I hesitate then go in search of my phone.

The photo I took this morning is still on the screen when I unlock the device, and I let my gaze track over the shadows and light.

Without letting myself overthink it, I bring up the text thread with Holden and type out a message with trembling hands.

My heart races, and I feel sick as I press Send.

Dealla

I have a confession to make…

His response comes quickly:

Holden

What’s that?

Dealla

I’m no good at casual.

Holden

Do me a favor. Go look in your top left drawer.

My brows pinch together, and I blink down at my phone for a few seconds.

Finally, I push myself to my feet and pad into my bedroom.

There in the drawer, nestled under my pile of socks, is a long black box with a silver bow wrapped around it.

I hesitate then carefully extricate it from the multicolored fabric surrounding it.

A coppery taste fills my mouth when I bite down too hard on the inside of my cheek.

I ignore the blood to pull off the lid instead.

My fingers shake, but I lift the necklace from its place in the satin lining without dropping it.

The silver chain is nearly weightless between my pinched fingertips. The pendant at the bottom sparkles in the sunlight, and a sound I can’t describe escapes me at the sight of the teardrop-shaped gemstone—Ashton’s birthstone. I palm the necklace with care then head back to my phone.

Three messages wait for me.

Holden

Do you like it?

D?

Getting a little nervous here…

I sniff, wiping at the dampness slipping down my cheeks, and draw in a steadying breath. My heart doesn’t slow. It only pounds and races and threatens to give out on me. I tap out a response.

Dealla

It’s gorgeous. I really love it. But how did you know Ashton’s birthstone?

Holden

You told me he was born on Halloween. I know he means the world to you, and I wanted you to be able to show that off, even if no one else understands the significance of the stone.

I have a confession to make, too. Turns out I’m no good at casual, either.

Dealla

So… Where do we go from here?

Holden

I don’t know. I’d like us to have a conversation about this. If it leads to more, then great. If not, then that’s okay, too…

Dealla

I want to have this talk, too. But not right now. Not when you’re about to get on a plane.

Holden

Okay. I’ll call you when I land xx

I set the phone down then immediately pick it back up.

My plea to Tristan and Luci is answered within minutes: They both agree to come over as soon as they get off work, just like I knew they would.

It isn’t often I request their presence like this, with no explanation and an urgency evident even in text.

They most likely know how important this is.

They’ll never know how monumental this is.

Once I’ve read their replies, I toss my phone aside and stroke a finger over the stone.

The opal shimmers, colors shifting in the sunlight, and I exhale unsteadily.

The necklace goes back in its box, back in the drawer.

I love the thought behind it, but wearing it right now, when things are in limbo between Holden and me…

It just seems like a terrible omen.

Tristan gapes when I finish recounting everything.

Luci swallows another mouthful of wine before pinning me with a scrutinizing look.

I, for my part, struggle not to squirm in my seat.

Without a word, Tristan rises to his feet and strides into my bedroom.

The drawer scrapes against its tracks as he pulls it open; his low curse causes my eyes to fall shut.

Luci reaches over and squeezes my hand. Footsteps approach, and I open my eyes to see the black box in his hand.

“Lemme see,” Luci demands, and he passes it over as he sits. The hinges creak softly, and she lets out a whistle. “Damn, it’s beautiful.”

“It is,” I agree shakily.

Tristan snaps his fingers, waiting until he has my attention, then leans forward with his elbows on his knees. “Dealla, I love you. So much. You know this. But if you don’t jump this dude’s bones with the intent of keeping him, I will literally strangle you.”

“Tris—”

Luci interjects, setting the box on the table. “He’s right. We’ve watched you for years make yourself miserable by being alone. These last few months have been a breath of fresh air for all of us, not just you. You smile more. You laugh more. You are genuinely happier than we’ve ever seen you.”

“It’s—I…”

“What is it?”

“I think I could eventually maybe love him if I let himself,” I whisper. Starbursts explode behind my eyelids when I press my palms against my eyes.

“So what’s stopping you?”

And isn’t that the million dollar question slipping from Tristan’s lips.

I shrug but don’t uncover my eyes. My mind trips over itself to make a list of all the reasons it would never work with Holden.

He’s famous, we live a thousand miles apart, I’m too busy being a stand-in mother to a toddler.

I will never be the type of woman he should be in a relationship with.

I’m not high-profile. I don’t know how fame works. I’m not glamorous.

I’m nothing more than a journalism student whose daddy pays for her lifestyle.

Luci scoots closer and throws an arm over my shoulder. “Look, DeeDee, this is your decision to make, but you obviously care a lot about him. And he seems to care about you. For what it’s worth, I think you should give it a shot.”

“Yeah. Be happy. Be disgustingly in love.”

I shake my head at Tristan’s words, but I don’t protest. Instead, I promise to consider it. What am I doing? This will turn out to be a mistake, and I’ll be made a fool.

But I know that if I end up loving Holden, it will never be something I could regret, even if we crash and burn.

Someone knocks on the door, and I check the time. Waving a hand toward the glasses and bottle of wine in the center of the coffee-table, I head to the door while the other two carry evidence of our ‘emergency Wine the sound is slightly muffled, as if he’s covered his mouth. “Hi, I made it home.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. How was the flight?”

“Boring. I didn’t wanna be on it, but I had no choice.”

“I’m sorry, sweets.”

“Do you have time to talk?”

Such a simple, innocuous question. Six words, that’s all it takes, and my heart skips a beat.

I wrap an arm over my stomach and struggle to stay steady under the weight of his inquiry.

Catching my friends’ attention, I gesture toward my bedroom.

They nod in silence, so I slip through the doorway and close the door behind me.

“Yeah, I do,” I finally say once I’m sitting on the bed.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Just had to make sure Ash was okay first. Tristan and Luci have him right now, though, so plenty of time to talk.”

“Tristan’s there?”

I frown at the odd inflection in his voice. Something twists in my gut. “Uh, he and Luce came over for a bit, yeah. Everything okay?”

“I just… Okay, I know you’re close with him and all, and that Luci is there, too, but…”

It clicks: “You and I haven’t talked about what we are, so it’s bothering you that he’s here, even though you know literally nothing is going on between him and me.”

“Exactly,” Holden replies with an awkward chuckle.

“Guess we should talk about it then.”

The silence between us stretches, a rubber band pulled to its fullest extent and trembling violently with the need to snap.

It thrums with tension that threatens to explode.

I fidget as I try to think of what to say.

I don’t want to start the conversation, though.

I don’t want to make the decision, to be the one to choose what happens next.

If I do, it means I’ve let my heart win.

If I do, I risk being made a fool in a way I can’t take back.