Page 75 of The Missus

‘Yes. For a long time.’

‘How did it end?’

‘I think she got a new collection route.’

‘Collection route?’

‘Yeah, every other Tuesday she came and picked up my recycling for three years. And then…’ He snapped his fingers. ‘It’s over. No goodbye, no nothing.’

‘So you didn’t have what you might call an intimate relationship?’

‘It wasveryintimate,’ Brian said defensively. ‘I separated myglassfor her.’

This guy was gonna be real work.

***

‘Anyone in?’ Alanna called as she stepped into the flat, not looking forward to seeing any inhabitants of the flat whatsoever. Although Keira just about had the edge over her mother.

But the person she found sitting in the living room was neither of those people. He was a man of about seventy-five, dressed in a suit and cravat. He had a pencil moustache and reeked of Old Spice. ‘Oh. Hello,’ he said nervously.

Alanna blinked. ‘Hi. Don’t I know you?’ she asked, thinking,Well, I better get my keys ready to stab him in the eye if needed.

‘I’m Jonty. From the fourth floor.’

‘Ah,’ she said, with a polite nod, trying to think of the best way to ask what the fuck he was doing in her flat right now. But the question became irrelevant when the toilet flushed and her mother came out of the bathroom. ‘Ah, Jonty, this is my daughter, Alanna.’

‘Yes, we were just meeting. Lovely place you’ve got here, Alanna,’ Jonty said.

‘Thanks,’ Alanna said hesitantly.

‘Well, shall we?’ Jonty said to her mother, gesturing at the door.

‘Absolutely. Let me just get my handbag, and I’ll see you at the elevator.’

Jonty nodded, smiled, and left the flat.

‘You love a snappy dresser, don’t you, Mother?’ Alanna smirked.

‘Don’t,’ Sandra said, picking up her handbag and heading for the door.

‘Have you even met with a solicitor about your divorce yet?’ Alanna asked her. She shouldn’t be baiting her mother like this. But she was in a shitty mood and it was low-hanging fruit.

‘Shh!’ Sandra hushed her urgently. ‘Jonty thinks I’m already divorced!’

Alanna shook her head. She waited for her mother to leave. But she paused at the door and gave Alanna a very long, sad look. ‘It’s so easy for you,’ she said enigmatically.

Alanna’s eyebrows shot up. ‘What exactly is easy for me?’

‘It’s all in front of you. You don’t know what it’s like to have your best behind you.’

‘Yeah, your prime gold-digging years must have dried up if you’re trying to get your feet under Jonty’s table. He must have less than poor old Ed.’

Sandra sighed heavily. ‘Just this once, try to understand.’

‘Understandwhat?’

‘That I never met anyone like your father ever again and I never will. All that’s left to me is to try and be comfortable.’