Page 34 of The Missus

Yeah, that’s what Alanna had. So she waited.

Julie rolled her eyes. ‘I wanted to throw up.’ She paused. ‘It’s terrible, isn’t it?’

‘Are you asking if I’m judging you for having that thought?’

‘I suppose.’

‘It’s an obtrusive thought, and it’s beyond your control. I don’t get the impression that you really want to make it happen. Though, even if you did, I still wouldn’t judge you.’

Julie’s lip wobbled, and Alanna thought there would be tears. But Julie took a deep breath, and her face was calm again.

‘Had your boss said anything that day that caused you stress or anxiety?’ Alanna asked.

Julie glanced away. ‘She mentioned something about a performance review coming up.’

‘Are you worried about that?’

‘Of course I am,’ Julie snapped. ‘Who doesn’t worry about performance reviews?’

‘What are you worried about in particular?’ Alanna pressed.

‘She’s gonna say I’m shit,’ Julie said plainly.

‘Has she said that before?’

‘Not as such. But I know that’s what she thinks.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘Because… she never tells me I’ve done anything right. But she always tells me when I’ve got something wrong,’ Julie explained.

‘Does that remind you of anyone else—’

‘Oh fuck off about my father, Alanna!’ Julie burst out.

Alanna was indeed heading that way. Julie was often a few steps ahead, so she tended to get frustrated and angry when she could see where Alanna was going. This meant that by the time they got there, Julie was too annoyed and couldn’t see past her anger. Sometimes, that made her harder to treat than a less-sharp client. ‘If you don’t want to talk about him, we don’t have to.’

‘Oh, great. Nice box to put me in. Either I don’t talk about what is clearly the real problem and waste the session. Or I talk about my bloody dad and hate myself for being a massive cliché.’

‘I didn’t mean to box you in,’ Alanna said calmly. ‘But I do want to ask—’

‘If you ask me why I would hate myself for hating my dad, I’m walking out right now. I need you to do better than this, Alanna. I need you to think around corners. If I get bored here, I won’t do the work. That’s how I am. I have to be kept on my toes to do my best.’

‘That’s interesting,’ Alanna said. She picked up her pad. She wrote down what Julie had just said.

‘What are you writing?’

‘Only what you said.’

‘Why, what was it about…’ Julie’s face broke into a sly smile. ‘Oh. I see. Being mysterious, leaving me to think you know things I don’t. Not bad.’

Alanna gave Julie a direct look. ‘Julie, no matter what you ask for, I’m not going to play games with you. I don’t think it’s making you happy to feel like life is a maze and you’re the rat.’

Julie looked astonished. ‘How did you know my dad made me run mazes for hugs!?’

Alanna had not known that. But it didn’t matter. No response was necessary. Julie, for the first time in twelve sessions, was bawling. Alanna was stunned. This was partly why she liked this job. The occasional utter unpredictability of the human psyche.

***