Page 23 of The Life Experiment

The Life Experiment: Daily Questionnaire

Property of OPM Discoveries

What are two things you are grateful for today?

Mum trying to teach me how to cook. I made a terrible omelette this morning (apparently, they’re meant to be easy…) but spending time in the kitchen with her is so nice

A strong phone signal and Angus’s jokes. Today he told a great one about The Flintstones. I can’t remember the punchline, but it made me laugh so hard I nearly cried

What are you struggling with today?

That I can’t hide out at my parents’ house forever

Do you have any additional notes on what you would like to discuss in your upcoming counselling session?

Angus. Specifically the timing of his appearance in my life and what it could mean

With a biscuit perched on the sofa arm and crumbs from the two she had already eaten scattered across her jumper, Layla read over her latest conversation with Angus.

Remember when we met and you told me to only call when I’d had a really bad day?

Well, today’s been one of those x

I thought I was the one who had the bad days!

In all seriousness, what’s up? Is it anything

I can help with? x

Are you sure you can handle it, Cannon? It’s a lot x

I’m sure x

Prepare yourself.

My favourite Indian restaurant has removed my favourite curry from the menu… x

Angus! My heart was in my throat reading your message!

You made me panic over nothing haha x

You don’t think this is a serious issue?! What will I order when I feel like vegging out in front of the TV? x

I take it back – this is a travesty x

Layla suppressed a smile as best she could, but it kept creeping in at the corners of her mouth. It was always the way with Angus. Their conversations, even the serious ones, coaxed out a level of happiness Layla hadn’t known she could possess.

Exiting the conversation, Layla headed to Instagram. Ever since finding out her death date, doomscrolling had become her nightly routine, bringing a strange mix of nostalgia, envy and mild irritation.

She flicked past weight loss ads and videos of strangers dancing and photos of people’s dinners, but what Layla was looking for, she didn’t know. Fulfilment? Beauty? Anything that wasn’t trying to get her to buy something or click something or be angry about something?

‘That was a big sigh,’ Maya said from the opposite end of the sofa.

Layla looked up, staring blankly at her sister. ‘Did I sigh?’

‘Shit.’ Maya giggled. ‘That’s when you know you’re depressed.’

‘I’m fine,’ Layla replied, but Maya looked at her like she knew better. She didn’t say anything, though. Instead, she turned back to the TV and continued to watch Friends .

Although the sisters had seen the entire series several times already, they would never stop rewatching it. There was comfort in the familiar dynamics and jokes. When life was chaos, Layla needed that.

When the episode ended, Maya yawned exaggeratedly. ‘Time for bed, I think.’

‘It’s not even ten o’clock! You’ve changed, Maya Cannon,’ Layla teased.

‘I know, but I have a four-year-old to entertain. We can’t all be like you, taking endless time away from our responsibilities,’ Maya said, leaning over and ruffling Layla’s hair.

‘Shut up,’ Layla said as Maya stood and walked to the stairs. ‘Night,’ Layla called.

‘Love you,’ Maya replied.

The words knotted in Layla’s chest. She opened her mouth to say them back, but it was too late. Maya was already upstairs.

Not for the first time in her life, Layla wished she was more like her sister.

Someone who could say ‘I love you’ freely and wear her heart on her sleeve.

Maya might have been the younger sibling, but she was the one who lit up a room.

Her wit was quick and her personality sunshine yellow.

She had a vast friendship group to prove it.

As Layla thought of her own empty social calendar, the difference between herself and her sister had never seemed starker.

Like many things in Layla’s life, her friends seemed to have slipped away over time.

Life pulled the people she’d had water fights and sleepovers with in different directions.

In her early university days, Layla tried to keep in touch with people back home, but her assignments stacked up.

With the part-time waitressing job she worked around her studies, she had little time to reach out.

There was no definitive line in the sand to explain the end of Layla’s childhood friendships.

No falling out, no argument, just the gradual, growing distance between people who no longer had anything in common.

Truthfully, part of the reason Layla hated coming home was because it forced her to see people who had once been integral to her life look at her as though she were a stranger.

It felt like there was an invisible barrier around her that said, ‘You’re not one of us anymore. ’ She wondered if she ever had been.

Another sigh bubbled in Layla’s throat, but she swallowed it.

Snuggling deeper into the sofa, she returned to texting Angus.

I’m glad you understand the severity of the situation.

I think I’ve finally learned what heartbreak is x

My red flag detector is waving at that statement…

But let’s ignore it so we can talk food!

If we were going for Indian, what would you order? x

What wouldn’t I order!

First of all, we’d have to get poppadums and a chutney tray x

Agreed. It should be illegal to go for a curry and not order all the sides x

You’re a lawyer, do you think you can make that law enforceable? x

Between each giggly exchange, Layla devoured the mind-numbing peace of social media.

She watched videos of women styling outfits, wishing she had their confidence.

She watched a baby with a cochlear implant hear their mother’s voice for the first time.

Crying, she wondered how she could ever feel down when life had moments that were so beautiful.

As she sniffed away her tears, the front door opened. ‘Hello?’ Layla called out.

‘Only me,’ David replied.

His tone was peppy, but Layla heard what lay beneath it. Stuffing her feet into a pair of slippers, she shuffled into the hallway in time to catch her dad wincing as he removed his coat. ‘You sound tired,’ she commented.

‘Because I am. You would be too if you’d spent six hours driving.’

‘You work too hard, Dad.’ The comment earned a laugh from David, one Layla responded to with an eye-roll. ‘Is the “Layla works too much” joke ever going to get old?’

‘Don’t get it twisted, love. A hard worker is a good thing to be. You learned it from me.’ David offered Layla a wink before moving to the kitchen doorway. ‘Biscuit?’

Layla hesitated. She knew a treat at this time of night would only spike her dad’s blood sugars, but as his eyes sparkled cheekily, Layla gave in.

‘Go on then,’ she replied.

Together, the pair entered the kitchen. As Layla turned on the light, David picked two biscuits from the tin. A bourbon for him, a chocolate digestive for her. As he handed it over, Layla’s eyes prickled. Even after all this time, her dad still remembered her favourite snack.

‘Why do you work if it makes your pain worse?’ she asked after taking the first bite.

David blinked at the question. ‘What else am I going to do?’

‘I don’t know, Dad. Rest? Relax? Hang out with Mum? You don’t need to push yourself so hard. Sitting for so long is bad for you.’

‘Sitting for a long time is bad for anyone. How often do you leave your desk?’

Layla grinned at her dad’s playful barb. ‘Not often enough, but I’m here now. Here to ask why you aren’t retiring and putting your health first, anyway.’

As he polished off his biscuit, David looked past Layla as if searching for an answer on the wall behind her.

‘I don’t know, Layla. It doesn’t feel like it’s on the cards for me right now.

All my life, I’ve worked. Or when I couldn’t work, I’ve wanted to.

I’m a grafter. I always have been. Apart from after the accident, of course. ’

‘We don’t really talk about it, do we?’ Layla nibbled her biscuit, watching her dad’s reaction.

‘What’s there to talk about? It wasn’t a good time in our lives.’

‘Still,’ Layla pressed, ‘it hit you more than anyone else.’

‘I don’t know about that, but it was tough,’ David admitted.

‘Suddenly, all the things I prided myself on were taken from me. I lost the best parts of myself, as well as parts I’d taken for granted.

I couldn’t stand, couldn’t wash myself, couldn’t provide for my family.

I couldn’t be the husband or dad I wanted to be. I couldn’t even like myself.’

‘Dad,’ Layla’s voice cracked.

David smiled gently. ‘Don’t be upset, Layla. I’m here now, aren’t I? I got better. I pushed through.’

‘But you shouldn’t have to work so hard, Dad. Every day doesn’t have to be a battle. You’ve fought for years, when most would have given up.’

David laughed. ‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’

‘It’s not, but… don’t you ever get tired? Don’t you ever wonder if it’s worth it?’

David took a moment to respond, eying his daughter.

‘No one can tell you what is or isn’t worth it, kiddo.

You’re the only one who can do that. And what I’m doing right now?

Putting food on the table and making it so your mum isn’t carrying this household on her own? My body tells me that’s worth it.’

‘Well, I think getting an early night every now and then is worth it too.’

‘Maybe,’ David replied with a chuckle. ‘But I like my job, Layla. I really do. I watch life happen every day. I see first dates and breakups and people on their way to weddings and funerals. I’ve talked to doctors, professors, comedians, scientists, tourists from places I’ve only ever seen on TV.

Do you know, I’ve even driven two people to hospital to give birth. ’

‘I didn’t know that,’ Layla marvelled.

‘Well, now you do. Imagine that, eh? Somewhere out there, someone’s telling the story of how their child came into the world, and I’m the taxi driver who told them it would all be okay.

That right there is a little moment of magic,’ David said, but when he saw Layla’s still-dubious expression, he softened.

‘I know you worry, love, but don’t. Driving gets me out there.

It gives me stories. It makes me… well, it makes me feel like me again. ’

There was something to her dad’s tone that twisted Layla’s steely resolve. Stepping towards him, she wrapped her arms around David’s neck, hugging him close. ‘I love you,’ she whispered.

‘Love you too, kiddo,’ David replied, squeezing Layla tight until she felt like she was five again and all was right with the world.

Layla could have stayed nestled in her dad’s arms forever. She was tempted to. The hug felt safe. Soul-reviving. But when David yawned, it was time for them to break apart.

Stretching, David stifled another yawn. ‘And with that, I think it’s time for bed.’

‘You go ahead,’ Layla replied. ‘I’ll lock up.’

Planting a kiss on his daughter’s cheek, David moved to leave, but at the kitchen door he stopped. ‘Layla?’

‘Yeah?’ she replied, turning back to him.

‘I don’t know what it is exactly that you’re going through, but I know if you’re here it’s because you’re struggling. I just want to say I’m sorry for that.’

‘That’s okay, Dad,’ Layla said, but it was clear there was more David wanted to say.

‘When things were tough after the accident, I… well, I never thought I’d get through it.

’ Resting his finger on the doorhandle, David stared at the dull metal as he spoke.

‘A nurse at the hospital taught me something that helped. Maybe it can help you. In the worst times, when sadness was all I could see, it felt like happiness would never find me again. But it tried to, in small bursts. Usually with you and your sister. When you weren’t arguing, at least. You’d tell me about your day or come into the hospital all excited because you’d drawn me a picture. ’

Layla smiled. She remembered those times well. Running from school, desperate to see her dad. Looking past the wires and the hospital gown to find the man who once carried her on his shoulders.

‘The nurse told me about the power of those small moments,’ David continued.

‘She told me they were healing. So, when they happened, I used to stop and focus on them. Really focus. I’d pay attention to what I could hear, what I could smell, how the clothes I wore felt against my skin.

I’d take a mental picture that was so vivid, the memory lived in me.

That way, when the sadness came, I could look back on the moment.

Feel it. Know that while things were dark, I carried happiness in me wherever I went. ’

Emotion danced across Layla’s chest, peaking when her dad looked back at her shyly.

‘I thought that might help, that’s all,’ he said softly before offering her a nod. ‘Goodnight, sweetheart.’

As David walked away, Layla listened to the sound of his footsteps.

She noticed the fridge gurgling and the scent of floral kitchen spray lingering in the air.

In that moment, Layla took her own mental picture, saving the knowledge her dad had imparted.

She knew that when her time on earth was up, his shy smile would be one of the last things she saw.