Page 19 of The Life Experiment

The Life Experiment: Daily Questionnaire

Property of OPM Discoveries

What are two things you are grateful for today?

My family not asking a million questions about why I’m home

Impromptu phone calls

What are you struggling with today?

The fact that I am going to die just as my life starts to get interesting

Do you have any additional notes on what you would like to discuss in your upcoming counselling session?

Why I feel so different in Hull compared to London

Layla knew that someone was watching her before she even opened her eyes. She could feel the intensity of their stare and hear their gentle breathing. Silencing her weary body’s pleas for more sleep, she peeled her swollen eyes apart.

‘Aunt Layla,’ Jayden said, beaming his gap-toothed smile as soon as their eyes met. ‘You’re awake!’

‘I didn’t have much choice with you in the room,’ Layla grumbled, trying to roll onto her side, but Jayden grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

‘No! Grandma said no more sleep. She sent me to wake you up.’

‘I don’t have a choice in this, do I?’

Jayden’s giggle told Layla all she needed to know.

With a sigh, she rubbed her bleary eyes and hauled herself to a sitting position. ‘Thanks for waking me, I guess. I’d have slept all day otherwise.’

‘That’s what Grandma said, but you need to come downstairs.’

Layla’s forehead creased. ‘Why?’

‘Because breakfast’s ready. Grandma made pancakes for a Sunday treat!’

With that joyous shout, Jayden scampered out of the room. Layla watched him go, wondering when she last had that amount of enthusiasm for anything in life, never mind breakfast. When no such memory came to mind, she sighed and reached for her phone.

No matter how often wellness influencers despaired over the habit, Layla couldn’t help herself. Every morning, the first thing she did was check her phone. Usually for work emails, but today it was for a different reason.

Today it was to see if Angus had replied to her message.

When the screen lit up, Layla grinned. Waiting was a wellness check from Saira.

Beneath that were two messages from Angus.

Wishing Layla sweet dreams, they were sent after another night of deep, and perhaps flirty, conversation.

In their chat, Layla had touched upon how lost she felt.

She hadn’t intended to, but there was something about Angus that made doing so seem easy.

‘Things are just hard at the moment,’ she had confessed in a wave of vulnerability. ‘Ever since that day in Birmingham…’

The news The Life Experiment had delivered bubbled on the tip of Layla’s tongue. Sense forced her to swallow it away, but not without her heart putting up a fight first. The experiment had exploded any certainty Layla had in life, and at every opportunity, her body willed her to share her burden.

But instead, Layla stayed quiet long enough for Angus to ask, ‘Why were you there that day?’

‘Um. I had a work meeting,’ she replied, heat burning her cheeks. ‘You?’

‘Same,’ Angus replied. ‘Is it work that’s getting you so down?’

‘Partly,’ Layla admitted, calmer now she was less perilously close to revealing the real reason she had been in Birmingham.

‘I feel like I’ve been so focused on following one path that I’ve blinked and life has passed me by.

I don’t know if my job is the right fit.

I miss my family. I wish I had more friends.

I’m just… I’m lost, Angus. Lonely, too, I suppose. ’

Angus hadn’t shied away from Layla’s vulnerability, or mocked or belittled her feelings. Instead, he had listened. He had understood. ‘Loneliness is the worst,’ he replied. ‘It’s all-consuming, but there’s a stigma around it, like it’s embarrassing to talk about.’

‘That’s why I never do, but I don’t feel exposed when I talk to you. I like being so… naked.’

‘Careful, Cannon,’ Angus teased. ‘That sounded a lot like flirting.’

The laugh that burst from Layla felt freeing. It was the strangest thing. Despite everything, Angus always found a way to make her laugh.

He was just so… kind. Considerate. Attentive.

His gentle nature made it easy for Layla to open up.

Aside from hiding her death date, she didn’t edit herself when they spoke.

She was silly and honest and brave. The mix made Layla feel more alive than she’d felt in a long time, an irony that wasn’t lost on her, given her circumstances.

And when Angus called Layla ‘Cannon’, her stomach flipped. It felt like an in-joke. A nickname that indicated a kind of intimacy.

Giddily, Layla’s thumb moved to reply to Angus, but at the last second, she stopped herself. What’s the point? she wondered. Seriously, what’s the point?

If Layla only had two years left to live, she didn’t want to waste time on meaningless flirting. She didn’t want a fling, not even with someone as great as Angus. Besides, something about their interactions told Layla that if anything happened between them, it would not be a fling.

It was selfish to reply quickly and let Angus believe that they could have a future, Layla decided. Cruel, even. Almost as cruel as fate showing Layla a life she could have had if it weren’t for her impending death. The injustice of that thought bit hard.

Resting her phone on the bedside table, Layla dragged her body from the safety of bed and plunged her feet into Maya’s spare pair of fluffy slippers. Reaching for a bra, Layla began to dress, cursing herself as her mind wandered to thoughts of Angus once more.

Maybe we can be friends , she reasoned. Friends was better than nothing. It meant she could have Angus in her life in a way that didn’t end in heartbreak. Maybe theirs didn’t need to be an epic love story. Maybe friendship was enough.

As she fastened her bra, Layla settled on a plan. After breakfast, she would reply to Angus. They would talk, they would meet, but they would not fall in love. She would be clear with him about that, and even clearer with herself.

Decision made, Layla headed downstairs to the hustle and bustle of the kitchen.

‘Jayden, you don’t need that much syrup,’ Maya called over the chaos.

Layla entered the room in time to hear Jayden’s protests.

‘But syrup makes you strong, Mum!’

Briefly, Layla glanced at Joanna; the act was muscle memory, thinking the only mum around here was hers.

But then it hit Layla, as it did whenever she was around her family – Maya was a mum too.

The little sister, who had snuck into Layla’s bed when she had a nightmare and sung pop songs in front of the mirror, was grown up. So grown up she was someone’s mum.

It was a strange thing to see a sibling become a parent.

Part of Layla mourned the definitive loss of childhood, but mostly she was proud.

Witnessing Maya blossom into this new role was incredible.

Different sides of her sister’s personality had come to light.

Maya was softer now. Kinder. She laughed harder, loved more fiercely.

She noticed things Layla didn’t. Twice over the last few days, Layla had watched Maya point out an interesting cloud to Jayden, anchoring him in the small marvels that were all around him.

It made Layla stop and notice them too. It made her proud of her sister and the way she chose to view the world.

Have you ever told Maya that? her brain asked, but her father kicked out a chair for her to join them.

‘Come on, kiddo,’ he said. ‘Hurry, before all the pancakes are gone.’

‘Or drowned in an ungodly amount of syrup,’ Maya muttered, dropping two pancakes onto a plate and handing them to Layla.

‘Thanks,’ Layla said. She took a moment to marvel at how pretty Maya looked.

It was barely 9 am, but Maya’s hair was perfectly styled and her beloved red lipstick was firmly in place.

Layla often felt plain and dumpy next to her sister, and the contrast felt sharper than ever that morning.

‘This looks amazing, Mum,’ Layla said as she took her seat.

‘Thank you, sweetheart. I thought a nice breakfast would set us all up for the day. I was thinking we could go for a walk later, if you’d like?’

‘Not me, love,’ David replied, patting his hips.

‘Are you okay, Dad?’ Layla asked, adding syrup to her pancakes. ‘Do you need to see a doctor?’

‘I’m fine, it’s just the cold,’ David explained. ‘My bones and joints always play up around this time of year.’

‘That’s what happens after you fall and break them all,’ Maya joked.

Everyone laughed, but Layla couldn’t join in.

Coming home was always a confronting reminder of what the Cannons had been through.

Even all these years later, Layla couldn’t dismiss her dad’s injuries.

As soon as she stepped through the front door, she transformed into the scared little girl visiting him in the ICU, worrying that he could be here one day but gone the next.

‘Do go for the walk, though,’ David said. ‘See if you can beat Jayden in a race.’

As Jayden launched into a passionate speech about how fast he could run, Layla glanced at Joanna. She’d only meant to check if her mum was worried about her dad, but now she was concerned for her mother.

Despite the generous spread on the table, there was only a small fat-free yoghurt in Joanna’s hands.

To most people, it would simply look like Joanna wasn’t hungry, but Layla knew her mum.

She knew that there were only two reasons Joanna would semi-starve herself – either money was tight, or her body image was at its worst. With fresh fruit on the table and two choices of fruit juice laid out, Layla guessed it was the latter.

‘Aren’t you having pancakes, Mum?’ Layla asked.

‘No. One bite would be on my hips for the next five years,’ Joanna replied, laughing as if to brush off the self-deprecating comment.

‘Oh hush, love. You’re perfect,’ David said, reaching across the table for a bowl of bacon.

Even through the cloud of worry, Layla couldn’t help smiling.

After all these years and all they’d been through, love still bloomed between her parents.

It might not be loud, showy, Instagram-worthy love, but it was real.

It made Layla think of Angus. Ducking her head before her family could see her blush, Layla added a few strawberries to her plate then handed the bowl to Maya.

‘Layls needs to come home more often,’ Maya quipped as she heaped the fruit onto her plate. ‘We never get fancy treatment when it’s just us.’

‘Excuse me, I treat you all like kings and queens,’ Joanna admonished, rising to her feet. ‘David, have you had your tablets?’

Mid-wolfing down a mouthful of bacon, Layla’s dad shook his head.

‘For goodness’ sake,’ Joanna muttered, reaching for a pillbox from the cupboard. Setting it on the table, Joanna watched David remove the tablets he needed from the AM section. Layla did the same. Her eyes widened as she counted the five tablets in his hand.

‘Jesus, Dad. How much medication are you on?’ she asked.

‘Too much,’ David replied, tipping the tablets into his mouth and swallowing them with a mouthful of tea.

‘That’s just his morning meds,’ Maya added. ‘Wait until you see how many he takes before bed. With all the pills Dad has in him, he rattles when he walks.’

Maya grinned as David pretended to clutch his sides to stop them splitting with laughter, but Layla couldn’t smile.

While Layla knew David’s health wasn’t in top condition, she hadn’t expected this.

Biting her lip, she looked to the pillbox and tried to count how many tablets were in the PM section.

‘Don’t fret, love,’ David said when he caught her. ‘These pills keep me fighting fit, don’t they, Jayden?’

As David mimed boxing with his grandson, Jayden laughed. ‘Grandad’s silly,’ he said, his mouth half-full with pancake.

‘Jayden, manners,’ Maya said, reaching to add more syrup to her own pancakes.

‘Well, now I see where Jayden gets his sweet tooth from,’ Layla joked, trying to be present.

‘Stop getting me in trouble,’ Maya said, pulling a face at her sister.

As Layla returned the gesture, warmth filled her. This is what you’ve needed, it said. This is what you’ve missed.

The temptation to berate herself for leaving so long between visits beckoned, but for the first time in days, Layla chose not to sink into her most miserable thoughts. Instead, she chose to focus on the fact that she was here, in the moment, with her family. Better late than never.