Page 19 of The Hookup (Firsts and Forever #13)
Just then, one of the goats started to twitch a little. Ryder looked far too amused as he explained, “They’re fine. They’re called fainting goats, and that’s what happens when they get startled.”
I muttered, “What the ever-loving fuck?”
“And this guy is perfectly harmless,” he continued, holding up the serpent as he asked, “You’re not really afraid of a tiny garter snake, are you? He’s barely a foot long, and skinnier than my little finger.”
“It’s a snake . Of course I’m scared of it.”
“Look how cute he is, though.”
He took a step toward me, and I took a step back. “How is that cute? It’s like a slimy little death tube with fangs.”
“Snakes aren’t slimy. They actually feel really smooth. Why don’t you touch it and see for yourself?”
The thing had loosely wrapped itself around Ryder’s hand, and it was staring at me with its beady black eyes. “Why would I touch that thing?”
“Because it’s a new experience, and a learning opportunity.”
I glanced at Ryder before returning my gaze to the snake. “Okay. But if you lunge at me or pretend to throw it at me, I’ll never forgive you.”
“I won’t. I promise. Touch his back, not his head. He’s not venomous, but all wild animals can bite. That’s why I’m holding him like this.” He was gently gripping it right behind its head.
I hesitated before approaching Ryder and the snake, and again before running my fingertip down an inch of its back.
“You’re right, it’s not slimy at all. And I actually like the pattern on it.
I’ve seen snakeskin-patterned fabric before, but this is a lot prettier.
” A tan stripe ran down its length, and its glossy dark body was accented with symmetrical, cream-colored markings.
“He must have just shed his skin. That’s why his colors are so vibrant.” He walked over to the base of the big oak tree and gently put the skinny little creature on the ground. The moment he let go of it, the snake darted off with a quick back-and-forth motion.
I pulled a travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer out of my pocket and grabbed Ryder’s hand, squirting some into his palm before taking some for myself. “That’s a good idea whenever you handle a reptile,” he said, “but why did you have it in your pocket?”
“Because I figured at some point I’d be touching some type of animal or another. I didn’t have snakes on my bingo card, though.”
He nodded, even though he probably thought I was ridiculous. “There are a few venomous species around here, just so you know,” he said, “so don’t do what I just did if you see another snake.”
“Oh believe me, there’s not a chance in hell of me doing that.”
He kissed my forehead and started to return to the paddock. “I still need to finish up with Barbie, so I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I stayed right where I was. After a moment, he glanced over his shoulder and called, “What are you doing?”
“Watching you walk away. You look smoking hot in those jeans, cowboy.”
He chuckled at that. When he disappeared around the corner of the stable, I turned back toward the cheerful yellow farmhouse. My animal entourage had retreated a few feet when I yelled, but I was still a shiny new toy as far as they were concerned, so they all fell into step with me again.
This included the pair of faker goats, who were back on their feet and seemed perfectly fine. I shot one of them a look and said, “Drama queen. You scared me half to death when I thought I’d killed you.” Was it my imagination, or did it look smug?
The entire ensemble accompanied me onto the front porch, which presented me with a bit of a challenge.
The dogs were allowed inside, but Jeff and the rest of the barnyard animals definitely weren’t.
How was I going to make it through the door without the entire flock, or herd, or whatever coming in, too?
I attempted standing with my back to the door, opening it a crack, and trying to slip inside, but Jeff lunged forward, as if he had every intention of pushing his way in. I quickly pulled the door shut again and frowned at the donkey as I muttered, “You’re not making this easy, Jeff.”
For a few moments, I considered taking a seat and waiting for Ryder. The front porch was very inviting, with white wicker chairs, a few potted plants, and some sort of swinging couch thing at one end. I really wanted some coffee though, so I looked around for a solution.
Then I noticed one of the large front windows was open a few inches. It had a screen over it, but I was able to pop it out easily. I put it behind one of the chairs to keep it from getting damaged, and then I slid the window open further and started to climb inside.
That would have been easy enough, except that there was a little table with a lamp and some sports magazines on it, right inside the window.
I carefully maneuvered around all of that, because I wasn’t sure if the table would support my weight.
I was feeling pretty good about myself as I dropped onto the floor and did a forward roll, landing on my feet.
That was a Cirque du Soleil-level move if ever there was one.
When I went to shut the window, I discovered one of the fluffy white chickens was sitting on the windowsill and staring at me.
“I don’t know your name,” I said. “Kelly Cluckson? Stevie Chicks? Cluck Norris? I’m out of celebrity chicken puns, but whatever your name is, you have to stay outside.
” I took a step toward the chicken, intending to shoo her out.
In return, she shocked the hell out of me by what she did next.
Why had I always assumed chickens couldn’t fly?
I was totally unprepared when the chunky, white fowl suddenly became airborne and launched herself at my face. I shrieked for the second time that morning and duck-and-covered, and the bird flapped right over me. When I straightened up again, I found her sitting on the arm of the couch.
“No, no, no. You’re not supposed to be in here,” I told her, as I scrambled to my feet. “If you poop on the sofa, it’s going to be my fault.” There may or may not have been a hint of amusement in her stare.
Since she obviously wasn’t going to leave on her own, the only way to get her out of here was to pick her up and carry her. I circled around to get behind the chicken, because I wanted no part of that beak and those scary dinosaur feet.
While I was doing that, I noticed some kind of movement in my peripheral vision. I glanced at the open window and discovered the other fluffy white hen was sitting on the windowsill and craning her neck to look inside. I exclaimed, “Oh, come on!”
I had to act fast, before all the chickens decided they preferred the great indoors. After taking a deep breath and gathering my nerve, I grasped the chicken around the waist with both hands—not that chickens had waists, but if they did, this was about where they’d be.
It turned out about ninety percent of the chicken was pure fluff. The bird felt puny in my grasp. It also turned out that she had absolutely no interest in being grabbed and hoisted off the couch.
The moment my hands closed around her, she began to squawk, fight, and flap her wings. This totally freaked me out, so I started to shriek as I held her up and at arms’ length—as far away from my face as I could get her without letting go.
My half-baked plan had been to run to the window with her, but just then Ryder and Cujo burst through the door. Both of them froze about three feet into the living room and took in the scene in front of them with startled expressions.
Because the door was closer than the window, I made a beeline for it. The hen squawked and flapped, I shrieked, and both Ryder and the chihuahua dove out of the way as I barreled past them.
When I reached the porch, I released the bird, and she flew over the stairs and landed on the ground. Then she fluffed herself with a couple of extra flaps and strolled off as if nothing had happened.
I went back inside, closing the door to make sure the rest of the barnyard didn’t follow me, and turned to Ryder. He was sitting on the floor, staring at me with wide eyes.
In the next instant, he began to howl with laughter. His reaction and the absurdity of it all struck me as so funny that I started laughing, too. Ryder grabbed me and pulled me down with him, and both of us completely lost it. I doubled over with tears running down my face, gasping for breath.
It took a while to get ourselves under control. When he could speak again, he hugged me and said, “This is all my fault.”
“How do you figure?”
“I shouldn’t have left you alone this morning.
” He brushed my hair from my face, and I rested my head on his bicep as he continued, “This place must seem like an alien planet to you, with strange life forms and unknown dangers. So, from now on, we’re going to stick together. You go where I go, and vice versa.”
“I don’t want to be a burden. You already have so much on your plate.”
“You could never be a burden, Hal.”
“I’ll probably be okay after today.” He got to his feet and offered me his hand, which I grasped as I got up, too.
“I just need a little time to adjust, and to learn how things work around here. For one thing, I need to learn how to get through the front door without a donkey, a bunch of chickens, and some goats busting in here.”
While he went and closed the window, I took the hand sanitizer from my pocket, squirted some onto my palm, and rubbed my hands together. When he turned back to me and saw what I was doing, I explained, “I got chicken on them.”
“Come on, let’s go get you some coffee and something to eat. You can take it with you while I finish up with Barbie and do the last of my chores.”