Page 12 of The Hookup (Firsts and Forever #13)
I was still in that position when Ryder texted me sometime later. I read the message asking how my day was going, put my head back down, and snapped a photo. I sent that to him with the message: Like this.
A video call popped up about two seconds later. When I answered, Ryder asked, “Are you okay?”
I sat up and told him, “I’m fine. Just discouraged.”
“Where are you?”
“On my college campus. This is the studio I share with one of my classmates.”
I panned the phone around to show him my surroundings.
I’d never really noticed before, but Kit’s side was a lot cozier than mine.
Both ends of the fairly large studio were outfitted with the same drafting desks, eight-foot-long worktables, and adjustable dress forms, and we’d both taped sketches to the walls.
But he’d also draped a large, striped sheet over his worktable like a tablecloth, decorated with a bouquet of wildflowers in a jar, added a beanbag chair, and hung up a couple of art posters.
I’d never thought to make the studio feel cozy.
Hell, I hadn’t even done that with my room in the pink Victorian.
Once the camera was facing me again, Ryder said, “Tell me what’s going on. Why are you discouraged?”
“I know I should never compare myself to other people, because it’s a sure-fire way to feel like a failure. But it’s hard not to when I’m sitting here with zero inspiration, watching ideas burst from my classmate like an overflowing popcorn machine.”
“Maybe those ideas aren’t very good, though.”
“They’re brilliant actually, and he’s so happy and having so much fun.
I get that I’ve always been more of an Eeyore than a Tigger, but I should be more excited about this.
The fact that I’m not makes me think my collection is going to fall flat, and then I won’t be able to get a good job.
My parents are going to think they were right. ”
“About what?”
“They tried to talk me out of studying fashion design. If they’d had their way, I would have studied something practical like business or law, something that was guaranteed to lead to a high-paying job.
I told them I could succeed and make money at this, but they were skeptical.
Do you know how much it’s going to suck if I fail and have to hear them say I told you so? ”
“You’re not going to fail.” He sounded confident about that, but I didn’t know why. “Forget about your parents, and let’s talk about what’s going on with you. What do you think is keeping you from designing your collection?”
“A lack of inspiration. My ideas don’t seem creative or original.
I can design and sew a perfectly fine collection, but that’s not going to land me a good job when I graduate.
I’m going to end up with the same bottom-of-the-barrel grunt work I’ve done in each of my internships, and that’s really discouraging. ”
Ryder leaned against a wooden fence and tipped back his cowboy hat. “It’s no wonder you’ve having a hard time with this, what with all the pressure you’re putting on yourself. I can’t imagine anything that’d choke off creativity faster.”
“You’re right, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that. There’s a lot riding on this collection, so feeling pressure is inevitable.”
“What used to get you excited about fashion design, back when you first chose it as a major? It might help to try to tap into that.”
“I don’t remember excitement, exactly. After I finished my general ed requirements, I let other people’s opinions sway me, and I took a few classes in different subjects, instead of jumping right into this major.
This is when I was living with my ex in Southern California.
Like my parents, he thought a career in fashion design was a pipe dream, and that I’d never be able to make money as a designer. ”
“Was your ex older than you?”
“Yeah, by just a few years. But he had a high-paying job, so he thought he knew everything. When I left him and moved in with my best friend Logan in San Francisco, one of the first things I did was apply to Sutherlin, a highly respected art college. My timing was perfect. I got in right at the end of the enrollment period and was able to start just a few weeks later. That whole first year, I was extremely motivated. I piled on the classes and threw myself into my assignments. If an instructor told us to do five sketches, I’d do ten. ”
“You must have really loved it.”
“That wasn’t what was driving me,” I admitted.
“I was fueled by anger. I needed to prove everyone wrong, especially my ex. I was going to crush this program, land an awesome job, and become a hundred times more successful then he could ever hope to be.” Something dawned on me, and I muttered, “Oh, man. I think I’ve become my parents. ”
“In what way?”
“Remember when I told you both families disapproved of their relationship, but they were incredibly stubborn and determined to prove everyone wrong?”
He nodded. “I do remember that.”
“I think I’m doing the same thing in a different context. I want to prove everyone wrong—not just my ex and my parents, but every single person who’s ever written me off as nothing more than a pretty face.”
I met his gaze through the screen and frowned. “What if everything I’ve been trying to achieve has been built on a foundation of anger and spite? That can’t be good, can it?”
“What I see in you is strength and determination, Hal. Even if you started off angry, you used it as fuel to build something positive for yourself.”
Ryder shifted the phone to his other hand and continued, “Plus, I know you love fashion design. You lit up when you talked about making dresses for your friend who’s trans, and when you told me about revamping dresses to give to LGBTQ kids.”
“I do love that. I also love creating something from nothing. It’s so rewarding to take an ordinary piece of fabric and transform it into something beautiful, something that’ll make whoever’s wearing it feel special and confident.”
“There it is,” he said, gesturing at the screen. “Your eyes lit up just then, which means the spark’s still there.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” That actually surprised me.
“You keep telling yourself your entire future depends on six pieces of clothing, and that’s way too much pressure. No wonder you’ve been stuck! But you have to know it’s not true. You’re going to have a bright future, no matter what happens with your senior project.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you’re talented, smart, and determined. If some big, fancy designer doesn’t have the sense to snap you up after graduation, you’re going to succeed anyway. You’ll forge your own path if you have to. That’s just who you are.”
I asked, “Do you really believe that?”
“Of course. And before you point out that I don’t know a thing about fashion, let me pre-empt that by saying I know beauty when I see it. Every time you’ve shown me a sketch or a photo of something you’ve designed, it’s been so gorgeous that it’s blown me away.”
To him, all of this was the absolute truth. I whispered, “Thank you for believing in me.”
“Always.”
“Thanks for listening, too. It helped. I feel calmer now.”
“I’m glad. I’ve been worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve seemed so stressed out,” he said, “and because you’re always on the go, between work and school and your internship. You need some time to relax and unwind, without constantly trying to be productive. Please tell me you have some downtime planned for this weekend.”
“Actually, I’m working this afternoon, and then all day Saturday and Sunday. I also have to finish an assignment for one of my classes and try to come up with some ideas for my collection.”
Ryder frowned at that. “You’re going to burn yourself out.” He wasn’t wrong. “What time will you get home tonight?”
“Around six. It’s only a four-hour shift.”
“Since it’s Friday night, let’s do something fun.”
“Like what?”
“Let me take you on a date. What do you say?”
As much as I loved that idea, I had to ask, “How are we going to manage that, when geography is working against us?”
“I’ll just have to get creative.”
“Okay. What should I do?”
“Message me when you’re on your way home from work. I’ll do the rest.”
“Are you sure? Because I could?—”
“The whole point of this is for you to relax and have fun.”
“I know, but?—”
He grinned and said, “Trust me, Hal. I’ve got this.”