Page 90 of The German Mother

‘I know…you told me. Let me make tea.’

Listening to the familiar sounds of the wheezing kettle and the clink of china as her mother made tea in the kitchen, Leila felt numb. All she saw was a blank future filled with uncertainty. The only thing she knew with absolute clarity was that she now must take her children out of Germany; away from everything they knew, everything that was comforting and familiar, and forge a new life. She was now in sole charge of the children’s destiny, and it was her duty to protect them.

Telling Sofia and Axel that evening that their father had died was the hardest thing Leila had ever done.

Sofia listened quietly and intently, hugging her mother, kissing away her tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Mutti, but I’m glad his pain is over,’ she murmured. Leila was taken aback by such a grown-up response. Perhaps, Leila thought, the fact that Sofia hadn’t seen her father for a year had prepared her for his loss.

But Axel, who at seven was far less mature, reacted in the only way he knew – with anger. He hurled his toy train across his grandmother’s living room, shattering a glass figurine on the windowsill.

The ensuing argument between mother and son about ‘carelessness’, and ‘thoughtlessness’, somehow eased the pain of facing Viktor’s death. But when the broken glass had been cleared away, the little boy ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. Leila could hear him sobbing.

‘We should go to him,’ suggested Sofia.

‘In a moment,’ Leila replied. ‘Let him cry a little first.’

The following day, Leila received a parcel wrapped in brown paper. Opening it, she found a pile of clothes, and on top a neatly typed list of the contents. Carefully folded was Viktor’s white shirt, the collar still stained slightly where his neck had rubbed. Underneath was the dark suit he had been wearing on the day of his arrest. In a separate envelope were his ‘valuables’: a gold watch – her present to him on their wedding day – and his gold wedding ring. It surprised her that these had been returned. There was a bizarre meticulousness about it – as if his jailors had been more interested in taking care of his belongings than of the man himself. Also in the envelope was his wallet – empty of money, she noticed, but still containing a photograph he had taken of her many years before when they first met. She had looked so happy then, so innocent, so full of hope and dreams.

A few days later, Leila had a visitor. It was Charlotte Zerfass.

‘I’ve only just heard about Viktor. I’m so sorry – and so is Julius, obviously.’

‘Thank you. Please, come in,’ replied Leila, ushering her into the sitting room.

Charlotte sat down uncertainly on the sofa, looking uncomfortable and nervous.

‘Charlotte…what’s the matter? ‘

Suddenly, Charlotte burst into tears. ‘I just feel so guilty.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I had a letter today saying that Julius will be released next week. I’m just so sorry he survived and Viktor didn’t.’

Leila sat down next to her, gently taking her hand. ‘Please don’t feel that way. It’s no one’s fault. I’m really pleased Julius is getting out…so pleased for you both.’

The pair sat for a while in silence, each contemplating the other’s situation – one on the brink of happiness, the other in despair.

‘What prompted them to release Julius now?’ Leila asked at last.

‘Adler, the lawyer, had been negotiating on behalf of them both.’

‘Yes, I was aware of that…’

‘Just in the last few days, he received word that if Julius agreed to leave Germany, the authorities would release him.’ Charlotte paused, uncertain how to proceed. She looked into Leila’s eyes and shook her head. ‘I’m sure they would have done a deal for Viktor too…it’s just so unfair.’

‘It is…’ muttered Leila. ‘If they had offered him that deal sooner, he probably would have survived. I could have taken him to a sanatorium in Switzerland for treatment. I knew he had a weak chest, and the conditions in that place were so harsh, he was bound to fall seriously ill. In some ways, his death isn’t a complete surprise. But still…the injustice of it. To think how close he was to being released. It breaks my heart.’

‘What will you do now?’ asked Charlotte tearfully, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

‘I don’t know. When I last saw Viktor, he begged me to leave Germany, and take the children away somewhere…anywhere.’

‘I think he was right. We hope to leave as soon as Julius is released. Why don’t you come with us?’

Leila gasped. ‘That’s so kind, Charlotte…and believe me, I’d like to leave. But I worry about my parents – how can I abandon them?’

‘Bring them with you.’

‘My father would never leave his business – it’s his life’s work.’