Page 139 of The German Mother

They embraced.

‘I’ve opened a bottle of champagne,’ said Gunther. ‘I’ve been keeping it for a special occasion.’

‘Oh, I’m honoured,’ said Leila, raising her glass. ‘Here’s to us…and to old friends…’

After a brief dinner, the two women settled in front of the fire.

‘There’s so much to discuss,’ said Leila. ‘I hardly know where to begin.’

‘How long can you stay?’

‘Sadly, only tonight. I have to go back to work tomorrow morning. Joe is taking me north to start a proper tour of the country.’

‘It sounds very important,’ said Minki.

‘I’m not sure about that, but it’s going to be hard work – that’s for sure. But I don’t want to talk about my job, I want to hear about you. So much has happened in the last few years…Tell me everything.’

‘I’m not sure there’s any point, is there?’ said Minki. ‘You already know the bare bones, and I try not to dwell on the past. I have to keep going forward – for the sake of the boys and my father.’

Leila nodded. ‘That’s very sensible.’

‘But it doesn’t stop me thinking about Clara all the time. We buried her here, you know – next to the family tomb.’

‘Really? They sent back her body?’

Minki nodded. ‘About a month after I’d visited Hadamar, the coffin arrived in a hearse. It was a nice coffin too, made of solid oak, with a brass plate. I was surprised that they had taken so much trouble. Maybe it was because I mentioned I was a friend of Goebbels.’

Leila nodded. ‘Probably… I never got Viktor’s body back. I just received a letter telling me he’d died of TB, along with a few of his things, including his watch – isn’t that odd? You’d have thought it would have been stolen, but there it was with his suit and shirt and shoes… all rather meticulous.’

‘I’m so sorry about Viktor,’ said Minki. ‘You must miss him very much. And it must be dreadful not knowing where he’s buried.’

‘Oh, I doubt he’s buried anywhere,’ said Leila darkly. ‘I suspect he was incinerated. If he was buried, it would have been in a mass grave somewhere.’ She bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears.

Minki wrapped her arm round her. ‘I’m so sorry…at least I can visit Clara’s grave each week. My father thinks I’ve finally found religion, but I haven’t. It’s just that the graveside is the only place I can talk to her in peace. I’ll take you to see her, if you like. I’ve made it as beautiful as possible.’

‘I’d like that.’

‘The thing is, Leila, I still don’t really understand how it happened – her death, I mean. How can you die from a fit – and in a hospital of all places? Sometimes I worry that something else happened, something they wouldn’t tell me at the time…a dark secret that has been kept from me all these years.’

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know…they were sterilising girls in there, weren’t they? Maybe she died during the operation, and they covered it up…or perhaps she was murdered by another inmate? When I went to Hadamar looking for her, a young man ran towards me when I was getting into my car, begging me to help him. He told me they’d killed his brother. The nurse chased after him, and made light of it, but what if it was true? What if they did kill that boy’s brother…what if they killed my little girl?’

Leila reached over and grasped Minki’s hand in hers. ‘Oh, darling. These are all agonising scenarios which must torture you. But would you really want to know if she’d been murdered? Isn’t it easier to think of her dying of an illness?’

‘Curiously enough, no. I realise it sounds strange, but it’s the not knowing that torments me. At night, I start imagining all sorts of frightening things – and I think I’m going to go out of my mind. If I just knew for certain what happened, there’s a chance I could find peace – however painful the journey might be.’

‘I understand, I really do. Like you, I worried for a long time about how Viktor died. Was it really TB, or something much worse? But at some point you have to let it go…to move on, do what you can for the people still living. For me that means the children, my parents…and my work, of course. But I can’t pretend I’m not angry at the destruction of his life. There was still so much for him to do.’

‘That’s it, Leila,’ replied Minki. ‘I’m so angry that Clara was taken when she was just starting out on life. She was so bright, Leila – so clever and funny and beautiful.’

Suddenly, Minki began to weep. Leila wrapped her in her arms, rocking her.

After a while, Minki was able to wipe away her tears. ‘I’m sorry…it just comes over me sometimes, like a wave.’

‘I understand.’

‘You know, Leila, I don’t think you can ever prepare yourself as a mother – for the intensity of your feelings. A mother’s love is so intense, it’s almost unbearable. I dream about Clara, sometimes, and she’s sopresent. I wake up and think I could reach out and touch her – almost as if she’s still alive…’