Page 117 of The German Mother

‘I didn’t know they were killing children! I was told it was only adults – people with awful deformities, mental disabilities, incurable schizophrenics…alcoholics. I had no idea about the children. I promise.’

‘But even to kill adults, Max – surely you can see how wrong that was.’

Max was weeping again now, mumbling almost incoherently. ‘Joseph said people would come round in the end – would be grateful to be free of the burden of caring for such people.’

Minki stubbed out her cigarette and lit another. ‘Do we have a map of Germany?’

‘Yes…somewhere.’ Max went to the bookcase and brought out a large folded map, which he opened out on the table in front of her. Minki examined it, marking with a pen the locations of the towns on her coffee-stained list.

‘I’m going to visit all the places on this list, as I have to assume they are all extermination centres. I’ll start with Brandenburg, as it’s the closest, and see if they have any record of Clara. After that, I’ll work my way round the rest.’

‘I’ll come with you.’

‘No, Max. I can only do this by keeping my emotions in check. You’re too hysterical. I’ll sleep here tonight and leave first thing tomorrow. And I’d like to be left alone…’

‘Of course. I’ll sleep in the spare room.’

She stood to go upstairs.

Max was still standing in front of the fire, glass in hand. ‘Minki…’

‘Yes, Max.’

‘Do you hate me?’

‘I’m too exhausted to hate you, Max.’

‘I’ve let you down…let you all down.’

‘Max…please – now is not the time.’

She turned to go, but he called after her. ‘Oh…I nearly forgot…your friend Leila rang a couple of days ago.’

‘Leila rang – here?’

‘Yes. She needs your help apparently…something about her parents. But I explained we have our own problems.’

Upstairs in her old room, Minki packed a few clean clothes in a small suitcase, and then lay down on the bed she had shared with Max. Unable to sleep, she got up, sat at her desk and wrote a brief letter to Leila.

My darling Leila,

I write in haste, as I am about to embark on a traumatic journey, searching for Clara. My mind is filled with awful visions of what might be happening – or may already have happened – to my child.

Max tells me that you rang asking for my help with your parents. I presume you’re trying to get them out of Germany. I promise I’ll do what I can for them, but first I must try to find Clara. I have no idea if I’ll be successful, or how long I’ll be away, but pray for me darling. Pray hard…

Your friend,

Minki

At first light, Minki bathed and dressed, and went downstairs to the hall with her suitcase.

For a brief moment she recalled the first time she had seen this house, and the optimism she had felt at marrying a rich and important man who had promised to support and protect her. But Max had let her down, and now she was on her own, back to relying on the one person who had never yet failed her – herself. She laid Leila’s letter on the table with instructions to the maid to post it immediately, and walked out of Max’s house…forever.

36

HADAMAR

October 1941