Page 65 of The German Mother

‘Hello.’ Minki’s voice sounded strained.

‘Minki – it’s Leila. Max told us about the baby, and I just wanted to give you our congratulations – you must be thrilled. How are you?’

‘I’m all right.’ Minki sounded monosyllabic and tired.

‘It’s just…’ Leila went on nervously, ‘I was a bit worried when Max mentioned the baby had needed a bit of oxygen. Is everything all right?’

Leila could hear sobbing at the end of the phone.

‘Minki…oh, sweetheart…what’s the matter?’

There was a brief silence. Finally, Minki blew her nose and answered tearfully. ‘The baby was a Caesarean. She was breech, you see – the wrong way round. I was put to sleep, so it was the next day when I saw her. She was in a box…with oxygen…struggling to breathe.’ Minki began to weep hysterically. ‘Oh Leila, Leila…it’s all my fault.’

‘No…Don’t be silly. How could it be your fault? I’m sure she’ll be all right.’

‘Are you? I’m not.’

‘Is the baby home now?’

‘No, not yet. Maybe next week, they said. I don’t know. Oh, it’s all my fault. It’s a punishment from God.’

‘Now, Minki, don’t say that. Why would you say that?’

‘I’m being punished for aborting that child.’

Leila gave a sharp intake of breath. She had always assumed that Minki had miscarried. The thought of her deliberately ending the life of her baby was so upsetting that for a moment she didn’t know how to respond. How could Minki have kept this from her – kept it from everyone? But finally, hearing Minki sobbing uncontrollably on the end of the phone, she felt she had to say something – anything – to comfort her. ‘Surely, God doesn’t punish people for things like that, Minki.’

‘I never went to confession afterwards. I am a sinner, Leila. I murdered my child, and now my darling girl is damaged. I’m so frightened.’

Leila could hear the panic in Minki’s voice. She was no longer the brave, strong woman Leila had known for so long. She was a frightened girl, crazed with grief and guilt.

‘Minki…you must calm down. Your feelings of regret are natural, of course. And I can barely comprehend what you went through all those years ago, but that is not the reason your baby is unwell now. You’re not being punished for some past mistake. Lots of babies are born by Caesarean and need oxygen. You must have a little faith.’

‘I’m trying…but it’s so hard.’ Minki continued, sobbing loudly.

‘Now listen to me, Minki. You must think of the baby and not yourself. Your job is to protect and love your child. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. You can do this, Minki, but you need to pull yourself together. Have you seen the baby today?’

‘No. I’ve not seen her since I left hospital…I can’t face it.’

‘You must face it. Have a bath, get dressed and go to the hospital now. Sit with her, talk to her, feed her. She’s your flesh and blood and it’s your job to be there for her, and bring her up. I’ll telephone you later, all right? Promise me you’ll go?’

‘I promise,’ Minki replied through tears.

In the following days, while Minki’s baby remained in hospital for observation, Leila did her best to encourage her friend over the phone. After a couple of weeks she received a letter.

My dearest Leila,

I’m just writing to tell you that Clara – yes, that is the name we’ve chosen for our beautiful girl – is back home at last.

I feel ashamed of my initial response. I think I panicked – it all felt so new and unfamiliar. But you gave me the courage to spend time with the baby in hospital and I must thank you for that. She’s improved hugely and now sleeps and feeds well, and smiles all the time.

Her name means ‘bright and clear’ – did you know that? It suits her so well.

Max has employed a nurse, which is a great help. It allows me to rest and I’m hopeful that in a few months I might even get back to work.

All my love,

Minki