Page 27 of The Breaking Pointe

unexpectedly

NOELLE

There’s something peaceful about watching the man who takes care of you get rest. After his long days and hard work he’s put in, he’s great to have on your arm, but will have nothing to give if he isn’t taken care of in the places he forgets. Sure, it’s his responsibility, but just like any other human, we forget some things and forget to take care of them. Colton is a man who forgets a lot. Forgetting to take medicine, forgetting his wallet and keys, and is fantastic at staying awake for unprecedented hours.

For once, it’s caught up to him. He wanted me to come over, and rather than spending time together, he’s making sweet love to his living room couch, snoring like a chainsaw. I could choose to be upset, but there’s no sense in that. I’m happy. He’s been running on empty for days, and even if it’s a light nap, I know he’ll wake up and feel like a brand new man. Everybody feels better when they sleep well. It’s a proven fact. Not only do you

feel better, but you look better.

While he rests, it’s only right that I find a way to make myself useful. So I took to tidying up his place as much as I can before his eyes pry open and he tells me to stop. He’s pretty great at cleaning, but with everything going on with his mom, cleaning has been the last thing on his mind. So has sleeping, eating, and running. The running is new, but I noticed it after my third time this month asking him if he wants to, and him responding with, “Can we do anything else in the world together?”

in the sweetest voice ever.

It doesn’t really matter what we do. I’m afraid I’m in too deep now to care. I’m simply waiting until the idea of forever doesn’t sound like jumping off of a cliff to him.

This is my reward. Just him and I, together. Safe and sound. The moment I walk into the pit, Bonnie follows me and jumps onto the other couch, laying down. I look down at Colton who, unlike me, still has on art clothes, consisting of jeans and a sweatshirt, while I have on pajamas. His face is the calmest I’ve seen in a long time, but he’s sitting upright, which won’t feel good when he wakes up. I don’t want him to sleep in paint and uncomfortable fabric, but I also don’t want him to budge and wake up. Who knows when he’ll sleep again?

Carefully, I take his glasses off his face, laying them on the table. Then I begin to lift his sweatshirt, giving my best try at lifting it, only making it to his chest.

“You’re way harder to move than I thought,”

I whisper, gently lifting his arm to pull it out of one sleeve, resting it on his lap. He doesn’t budge, not even a little. So I continue onto his other arm, lifting it the same way, and laying it down, swiftly pulling it over his head.

He groans softly, rubbing his bare stomach, but staying in his

trance.

Satisfied, somewhat, I take the sweatshirt and walk to his room, putting it in the dirty clothes basket before I approach his dresser, dropping to the floor to open the bottom drawer. Grabbing the handle, I pull it out, grabbing the first t-shirt I see, only to reveal a box. Brown, old, and bent up. Tucking some hair behind my ear, I get comfortable, looking at the entrance of the bedroom before I quietly pull it out of the drawer and set it in front of me on the floor. Squinting my eyes, I read the faded writing on the top.

Throw away

It’s still here, so I guess it’s too worthy to be thrown in the trash. But that’s bad because now I found it, and I’m tempted. It’s like Pandora’s box—and I’m dying to know what’s inside. Which goes against all my preaching of respecting people’s privacy. I’m here for a shirt, not to snoop. The sneaky, curious girl in me wants to know why it’s stuffed in his t-shirt drawer, covered and hiding.

Sighing, I close my eyes briefly, then lift the lid off of the box. A wedding ring.

Pictures.

Movie and concert tickets.

The more I look, the more collectibles I can see, piled through the box. And a letter? I pick up the ring, staring deep into the glistening diamonds.

I’ve wondered what his life was like before me. He loved hard before I came around. I’m sure it has a lot to do with why he’s so hesitant to move forward with commitment. It just doesn’t make sense that someone could say no to a rock this size, and a man who looks and behaves as he does. Maybe I don’t get it because I’m damaged, too. I wouldn’t be opposed to being

damaged together. Sometimes it takes one to know one.

I pick up the letter, unraveling it from its firm fold, finding the beginning of it.

Dear Hannah,

I can confidently say that I’m not angry anymore. I know, now, that you and I were never meant to be. I used to dream that in different lifetimes that was untrue. It’s a shame to me that I couldn’t give you what you needed, when inthe beginning of us, you would’ve disagreed with that statement. It gave me internal rage to think of that, and to think of any other reason why I wouldn’t make a good husband. How I pray that the reasons I’m not good for you, might be the reasons I make someone else complete. Either way, it doesn’t change my self-deprecation or my issues with my father. It’s never your fault that I struggle to display my affection, or can’t tell you what’s really eating away at my soul. That’s not up to you.

It’s my job to find solace on my own, and I’m sure that you were that. I felt positive that you felt the same as I, and that you made me better. Maybe that was the truth but all the while, I’m making you miserable. You never fancied my hobbies, or garnered my interests the way that I did, but I hope you know that I had passion for yours. That’s what love is. You saw who I was before I was anything, and I thought that was enough to save me and all of our setbacks. I’m vulnerable to you, and you only.

Maybe that’s a gift only we will ever share between one another.

I set you free from that torment. The torment of my existence. I hope he’s giving you what you need, the way I once thought I was destined to.

As for myself, I fear that love doesn’t exist in my future, and I’m foolish to believe it existed in this lifetime, at all. How could it, for someone like me? I apologize for ringing you into that fantasy of

mine.

Even if you don’t get to read this. This is the truth. Sincerely,

Colton

When I finish scanning the old paper, my hands are fully shaking. I didn’t think I’d be reading a goodbye letter to her. And I surely didn’t want to know that he doesn’t believe in love. Because the problem is that I still do. Now I’m unsure if I should be hoping for that to happen for us at all. I respect his truth, but mine is that I do think I love him. I wasn’t planning on making the announcement tonight necessarily, but now I don’t think I ever can.

What if this means he never took any of this seriously? I never wanted to have a label on a relationship more than now.

The door opens, followed by the sound of footsteps following and a deep, groggy voice”

Sweetheart?”

Colton asks. I turn to see him rubbing his eyes.

I put the note in the box, dropping the ring and closing the box with mass speed”

No-Nothing.”

I push myself up, still holding onto the box, almost as a safety net for the anger he might wail on me once he sees I’ve snooped.

“Whatcha got there?”

he asks softly, blinking a few times before approaching me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, pushing the box into his belly with shaky hands”

I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking for anything, I swear. I just wanted to find clothes and it was there.”

I breathe heavily after throwing all my words out as fast as possible.

“Noelle…”

he says, lightly taking the box and then my hand”

I have nothing to hide. So I have no reason to berate you. Which I wouldn’t do, anyway.”

He squeezes my hand and continues.

“You’re shaking. What’s the matter?”

The box leaves his hand, forgotten, and soon his fingers are under my chin, making me look at him. I open my eyes with ease to see his gentle expression, waiting for my answer.

“I…Daniel would have been so mad at me for being sneaky. For a moment it just felt like I had to take cover…”

I confess.

“Well, drop your guns. I’m not here to yell. I don’t like doing that, and you’ll never get it out of me, promise.”

He lightly pinches at my chin before continuing”

I only came in here because I woke up with no shirt, and no you. I had questions.”

He half smiles, holding back some laughter.

I wish I could smile at his sweet wittiness, but I can’t after what I just read. I have questions, too. With no way to ask without sounding beyond insane.

His smile fades.

“Okay, seriously, what’d you find—is it bad?”

His eyes bounce around my face nervously.

“If I say it, then it’ll make you have to talk about things you don’t want to. You made it clear you’re not a talker. I should get over myself. I’m being insecure.”

I look at my feet.

“In no way is that fair. If you want to know something, you’re allowed to ask me, Noelle. There’s no harm in that. If clarity is something you need, let me give you that. I should be giving you a lot more, really,”

he says, sounding ashamed.

Preparing myself for the worst, I take a deep breath”

I opened the box. I shouldn’t be jealous, but I’m more than jealous. I envy her and how you felt about her,”

I whisper my confession, then whisper the last part even quieter, “or still feel.”

His bushy brows wrinkle in confusion. “Hannah?”

I nod. He looks at the box, then back at me, sitting me on the bed.

“Noelle, I haven’t had those feelings about her in longer than I can comprehend. It’s been years. That’s why it’s all in a box,”

he clarifies.

“But you still have the box. And a really in depth explanation on paper,”

I remind him.

“My mom found the box in our old storage space. Guess I eventually thought about tossing it, and never got around to it, so I stuffed it in the drawer that I use the least. I could probably sell the ring, though,”

he explains, using his fingers to pry the box open and look inside.

Just please tell me I’m not losing it for nothing, Cole”

What happened between you two?” I ask.

His fingers fumble together as he stares at the floor, possibly gathering words.

“Uh—not much, actually. I think we were always destined to fall apart. We were too different. It felt right because we went to school together. It was familiar. For me it was a bit deeper, but I got over it.” He nods.

“And?”

I ask, wanting more.

He looks at me”

And I changed myself to meet her require- ments. Beyond getting in shape, or making money. She was there for those parts, but I changed who I was deep down. I was scared to lose her, and well…I still did in the end.”

He smiles softly.

My lips curl down, frowning”

So you proposed?”

I clarify”

And she said no.”

He looks down”

I thought it was because

she wasn’t ready, but it turned out that it was me. She got engaged to another man a year later,”

he says, sounding somber now.

“Just one year?”

I whisper. He nods.

“It was unexpected—when she said no. To me. It made it

harder to move past a place of hatred and anger. I haven’t done anything serious with anyone until uh,”

he looks at me, “until now.”

“But we aren’t serious,”

I state, accepting our circumstances”

Well, what’s the harm in trying it out?”

he asks, quickly”

Or are we gonna keep doing this and calling it nothing?”

he adds, tapping his fingers on the box softly”

I’m asking because it feels wrong to keep doing this without a label, but being with

you feels so right.”

“If it feels so right, then you shouldn’t push those feelings away. I lied when I said I’m okay with no labels. I’m not good at pretending, Cole.”

I bring my knees to my chest.

“I know you did. There isn’t a normal woman that I know to be perfectly fine with being monogamous with someone and not having a title on it,”

he says in a dulcet voice.

“You made it clear. Commitment isn’t your thing. I’m confident, but not enough to say I could change that.”

I rest my chin on my knees, muffling my mouth, just in case”

You already have, Noelle. It scares the hell out of me, but I don’t want to see you with another man. The thought of it makes me livid. And maybe being able to call someone—a woman like you—my girlfriend might make me feel like less of a scumbag.

Maybe I’ll behave myself better, too,” he says”

Girlfriend…” I mumble.

Please. I’m begging you to make me yours, and yours only. Just let me take care of you, Colton Kennedy.

“Would being my girl be too much for you? That’s my only fear, right now…”

he mumbles, his fingers fumbling like crazy. I burst out of the shell I created with my body, tossing my arms around his neck. I mush my lips right into his, kissing him with all my might as well fall over onto the bed. His smile pushes

through our kisses as he holds onto me, humming deeply.

Ripping my lips away, I sit up on his lap as he lays beneath me”

You’ll never have to view love like that ever again. Or relationships…or anything!”

I cover my face, squealing with excitement.

He chuckles, pinching at my waist”

No way you’re this happy…about being with me,”

he says in disbelief, his uncer- tainty obvious innocence.

“Everybody needs somebody. It’s easy to make it through the fight when you have at least one person in your corner who never stops cheering you on. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

I kiss his forehead, cupping his cheeks.

“Was that a boxing reference, missy?”

He laughs.

I toss some hair over my shoulder, grinning as the sound of his phone belts from the living room. The noise immediately sends him into despair—showing it with a long, drawn out sigh”

What if I answer it?”

I suggest, lifting my body from his. “Go

for it.”

He nods, laying in place.

Jumping off of his lap, I hurry to the sound, finding it on the living room table. Before I pick it up, I check the name.

Mrs. Giles

His mom’s nurse never calls this late. Which means only a handful of possibilities could be beyond this phone call—and one of them is a really bad one.

“Hello? This is Colton’s phone,”

I answer, listening intently for her to speak up.

“Hi, is this Noelle? Colton’s friend?” she asks”

Yeah, is everything okay?”

I ask hurriedly.

“It’s an emergency. His mom is unresponsive. Her heart stopped, I can’t feel a pulse. I need to call the medical examiner. But I need Colton here,”

she quietly explains.

“Is she…?”

I whisper into the phone”

I believe so, dear,” she says.

“We’ll be there. Thank you.”

I hang up, rooted in place and stunned.

It’s happening.

“Elle? Baby, who is it?”

he yells from his bedroom.

Peeling my feet from place, I walk back to his room, holding onto his phone for any source of comfort.

“It’s Josephine,”

I tell him without emotion”

And?”

He sits up on his elbows, looking at me.

Taking in the last few seconds I have of him before his life changes, I purse my lips together. Once I relay the message, things will never be the same. I suddenly wish it wasn’t me who took the call. This is the worst thing I’ve ever had to tell anyone.

“Noelle, spit it out…”

he says, beginning to get nervous”

It’s your mom. She’s um…passed away. Josephine wants you

to come see her before she calls anyone…”

I nearly choke up getting all of my words out.

More appalling than that, Colton’s face morphs into a soulless countenance. No words. No emotion. Just desolation.

“Colton…”

I walk over to him, watching him sit all the way up”

It’s okay,”

he says, as if he’s ignored what I said all together”

It’s okay?”

I ask, now becoming truly scared.

“Let’s just get there, alright? I need to check on Steven,”

he states, standing up and getting himself ready.

Watching him makes me dazed. Right when I found the light in his eyes, it’s gone. Just like that. This moment was going to be the beginning of my worry for his well-being for a long time, if not indefinitely.