Page 14 of The Breaking Pointe
lonely is the muse
NOELLE
The bottoms of my loafers smack the concrete as I run down the crowded block outside of my cafe job.
It’s something I had picked up earlier this year to put some extra money in my pocket.
Showing up one to two days a week sounded so easy then. But for the first time since I got it, I’m running extremely late, feeling hung over, and halfway delirious.
I shove open the door, run inside, and crash into the counter where Annie is sleepily wiping tables.
“I’m so late, I know—but I went out, and I lost track of time. Then the trains were running late—I also had to change—”
I explain myself as fast as I can, losing oxygen by the second.
Annie laughs and says, “Slow down. You don’t need to panic. Shop’s been dead since we opened.”
She glances at the clock and then at me”
It’s only been forty-eight minutes.”
I tighten my lips, still dissatisfied”
Don’t tell Gary, please,” I plead.
“Elle, I’m not gonna snitch. Put your stuff away and stay a while.”
She shakes her head”
You’re all stirred up.”
“I had a crazy night. My brain is fuzzy…”
I say quietly, walking behind the counter and setting my bag underneath it.
I grab a clean apron from the pile nearby and double tie it around my waist.
“Define crazy. You danced too hard, or something?”
she asks plainly.
She’s poking fun, I know that.
But morning-after guilt is currently smacking me in the face, so I sadly can’t find it as funny as she does.
I seriously feel like a bozo.
It wasn’t a mistake, but I can’t explain how easy I feel.
I let him do things to me that I haven’t let any man do in an unearthly amount of time.
I’m embarrassed of how drunk I was while doing it, too.
If I ever have to see him again, I’ll shrivel into a black hole. He’s either going to think I’m pitiful or the sleaziest girl he’s ever slept with.
But I won’t say I regret it. I only regret the day that Daniel finds out—if he does at all. That’ll be the day I have to fear everything.
“I didn’t dance. I went out with a friend. We got stuck because of the storm, that’s all,”
I say, picking out a cappuccino cup to make myself a little treat.
“Oh, Lauren? How’s she doing?”
Annie asks, smiling.
“Not Lauren.”
I shake my head”
She’s good, though,”
I add, getting my ingredients together.
“Don’t tell me it was Daniel,” she says.
“No—why does everyone keep asking about him?”
I ask harshly.
She looks at me, setting her mug down”
I’m sorry, I don’t like him. Last time he came around, he was strikingly rude. Not only to you, but everyone around.”
I look at the cup in my hands, then close my eyes to take a deep breath”
I’m sorry, Annie. No, it wasn’t Daniel. It was a guy, though.”
Her disdain turns into a smile.
“Okay, well let me hear about him,”
she says energetically”
I’m not sure there’s much to say.”
I cower, setting my cup
underneath a dispenser.
“You got stuck in the rain with him, and you have nothing to say? Noelle, I’m not buying that.”
She laughs softly.
I press a button, filling my cup, then I turn to face her.
“We went on a date. He took me to a museum. When we left, it started raining, so we landed at his place,”
I tell her, grabbing a cleaning rag.
“And then?”
she asks, following me.
“And then we ate dinner and had an eventful night, Annie,” I stress.
“Eventful means something else,”
she sings.
“This isn’t a win, Annie. I moved too fast. I was supposed to go on a date, and that’s all,”
I say, pointing to myself.
“It’s one night. Big woop. You got some, and you should be clapping for yourself. The world won’t end because you had a good night.”
She rolls her eyes, walking around me.
I follow her body, watching her.
“Are you listening? I’m testing out dating. Not humping the first man who calls me pretty,”
I declare.
“Everyone calls you pretty. He wouldn’t be the first, or the last,”
she says with mirthful laughter.
“I am serious, Annie. I ran out of his condo like I did something illegal this morning. What do I do if he tries to call me?”
I ask with a straight face.
Her smile fades before she sighs and says, “Okay, well is he a good guy?”
I pull my hair to one side, exhaling”
He wanted to cuddle afterwards.”
Her previous smile returns as she laughs”
And that doesn’t answer your question?”
I look at my cup which is now filled.
“I’m scared he’s gonna turn out to be like Daniel,”
I mutter. Annie sets her rag down and gives me her full attention, “He literally sent the sweetest text, and I opened it and stared at it for so long. I left him on read,”
I say the last few words quietly, feeling the guilt eat at me physically.
“He took you out on a history date, fed you,”
she looks around, then whispers, “he did you,”
she then resumes her normal volume, “and then wanted you to cuddle.”
I lean on the counter, looking at the floor.
“Noelle, most guys can’t even spell the word date if you handed them a dictionary and told them the page number, and you’re questioning his decency?”
Yes. Yes, I am.
“You never know. People can be good at fronting,”
I reply, standing on my word.
“Right,”
she huffs, “well while you try to figure out if he is or isn’t fronting, make sure you don’t wait too long for your chance.”
She smiles sweetly before walking over to a customer. The fact of the matter is that if this man does reach out, I’d have no idea what to say.
I don’t have words for someone who consciously is putting efforts forward to please me. Not that that’s his direct plan. But if it were, I wouldn’t stop him. To my knowledge, he has all the credentials.
That’s what makes this entire thing so hard for me. I feel crappy for hooking up, but knowing it isn’t a commitment is the only rope I have to hold onto that makes it okay for me. As for committing to something for real? He’d never stand a chance because I’m too worried about whether I can trust again. He’ll get exhausted of chasing me and move on, if I’m lucky. He’ll be saving himself from my constant worry, and I’ll hopefully rid him from my brain after a few months.
I’m almost positive it’ll take a wing and a prayer to convince me that he’s worth trusting—and that goes for any man.