Page 73 of The Aster Valley Collection, Vol. 2

PARKER

I couldn’t get to sleep, mostly because it was midafternoon but also because my dick got hard every time I replayed the encounter with Julian in the living room.

And I couldn’t stop replaying it.

Watching Julian respond to my touch, my kiss, my staggered breaths had been hotter than anything I’d ever experienced.

What was it about hooking up with him that had made it so much more exciting?

Was it that I’d never done any of this with a man before?

Or the adrenaline spike of fear from changing the dynamic with my best friend?

Or was it simply because he was the most attractive and enticing human I knew?

Maybe all three.

Thinking of Jules as hot wasn’t new. I’d always known he was attractive and sexy. I just hadn’t let myself imagine kissing him or touching him, not since I’d tried it on with Tiller and thought sex wouldn’t be good with a guy.

That seemed so naive and silly now, given how explosive it had been once I’d gotten my hands on the right guy.

I wasn’t sure what that meant about my sexuality—maybe I was bi, or pan, or a billion other things I’d never really investigated.

And maybe I was supposed to care more about figuring out which thing, like it would be more legitimate if I put a label on it.

But it was really hard to get all worked up over any of that when being with Julian felt like Christmas and the Fourth of July and summer vacation had all come at once.

Being as close to Julian Thick as possible was the only thing I’d ever wanted, even when I thought we could only be friends.

And now that I knew I could possibly have him in all the ways—that he could be my best friend and I could make his eyes roll back in his head with pleasure when I touched his dick—I was all in. Game over.

I just wasn’t sure how to convince Julian that this wasn’t an overreaction to being jilted and that I wasn’t using him as a safety blanket the way Erin had done with me.

A knock on the door startled me out of my rumination. I tried to remember if I’d locked the door behind Julian or if he was simply giving me a warning so I wouldn’t be surprised by his return.

I stumbled out of bed and grabbed my hoodie before opening the door. Instead of Jules, another stranger stood on the front porch. He was a small guy with perfect hair and a too-perfect smile.

“Are you Jay?” he asked, giving me a thorough up-down with dark-lined eyes.

He must have liked what he saw because he muttered under his breath.

“Baby Jesus, please, if you care about me at all, and if you want to make up for my shitty-ass childhood in Baton Rouge, you will give me this beautiful man.”

“No. I’m sorry. He’s not here, and there’s been some kind of mistake.”

He bit his knuckle. “I have some ideas on how we can take advantage of his absence.”

“I don’t…” How did I tell him I wasn’t interested without offending him? It had been one thing when I was straight, but now that I knew I was… not-straight… I wasn’t sure of the etiquette. In fact, I could really use some gay advice. “Want to come in?” I asked instead of sending him away.

He looked up at the roof of the porch. “Thanks, Big Guy. I owe you one.”

He followed me inside and introduced himself as BJ. “But not the kind you think. It stands for Baby Jeremiah. My dad is Jeremiah Senior. Ask me how it was growing up gay in Louisiana with the name BJ. Go ahead. Ask me.”

“Why didn’t you change it?”

He leveled a faux patient look at me. “I did. I spent years trying to get people to call me by my middle name, but it never took. Then I moved to California, became a yoga instructor, stopped giving a shit about other people’s opinions, and decided my name was a feature, not a bug, so I embraced it.

Besides, once guys hear I’m a yoga instructor, they tend to forget my name entirely anyway.

” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I’m very, very bendy… as you’ll soon find out.”

“I don’t want sex,” I blurted. “But, ah, I could use some advice.”

BJ froze in the act of removing his parka and then continued in slow motion. “Okayyy… advice about what? And I’m going to assume you’re just being shy about the sex. We’ll ease you into it.”

I had to admit he was cute, charming in an easy way. But I didn’t need that right now. I needed another not-straight man’s perspective, and I needed it before Julian came back.

After offering him a soda and settling him on the small sofa closest to the fire, I took the seat across from him and rested my forearms on my knees to clasp my hands together.

“Here’s the deal. I think I have feelings for my best friend.

Sexual feelings. Love feelings. Forever feelings. All of it.”

BJ had already left his boots by the door, so he pulled up his socked feet and wrapped his arms around his knees. “M’kay. And? What’s the problem?”

“He thinks I’m straight.”

BJ’s sculpted eyebrows shot up. “Your best friend doesn’t know you’re gay?”

I squeezed my hands tighter. “I’m not gay. I don’t think. I’m… I don’t know what I am. But I like women… sometimes. And I like Julian. Always. I like him most of all.”

“Why not just tell him that?”

“I did. I tried to. I will. I want to.” I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

There were so many words and thoughts rocketing through my mind, I had a hard time focusing on just one.

“But how can I explain what I’m feeling when I don’t have the right vocabulary?

I don’t know how I identify. I just know how I feel. ”

“Oh, my god! You are so freakin’ adorable right now, I don’t even care that you’re not going to fuck me.

” He pursed his lips like he was pondering this.

“Or, okay, I almost don’t care. I think you need to tell your friend exactly what you told me.

Like, ‘Bestie, I have real feelings for you. Sexual feelings and big love feelings. What say we give it a try?’ Like that. ”

I couldn’t sit still, so I stood up and selected another log for the fire before grabbing the poker to arrange it just so.

“He won’t believe me. I know him better than I know myself, and right now, he’s thinking this is a rebound thing, that I’m freaking out because of what happened with the wedding. ”

“Whose wedding?”

I poked the log harder until a chunk of bark flew off and hit the back wall of the fireplace with a thunk .

“Mine. I was supposed to get married last weekend. But the bride called it off at the last minute, which was the best possible thing she could have done. I’d been going along with the marriage thing because I love her and didn’t want to let her down, but I wasn’t in love with her.

And if I’m being honest, looking back, I think I’ve always been in love with my best friend, but I haven’t let myself realize it because I thought I was straight and he was gay and there would never be a chance for us. ”

There was a long silence before BJ’s surprised whistle cut through the air. “Oh, honey. You are a hot mess, aren’t you?”

I turned to blink at him. Why was he having such a hard time understanding what a shitshow this was? “That’s what I’m saying.”

BJ took a sip of the raspberry bubble water I’d brought him. The canned beverage was something Julian liked and kept on hand at all times, but I thought it tasted like a faded fruit mirage pressed flat by bald tires.

“Maybe he’s right,” BJ said, watching for my reaction. “How can you be sure you aren’t freaking out post-wedding cancelation? Wait. Wasn’t Valentine’s last weekend? You got jilted on Valentine’s Day?”

“Who cares about Valentine’s Day?” I barked. I was sick to death of the Valentine’s thing. I’d be happy if I never saw another cartoon heart as long as I lived.

He nodded. “Fair enough. I can see how you’d be a little soured on the holiday. But back to the crux of the thing. I’m not sure the week after a failed wedding is the time to make lifelong declarations to another person regardless of their gender.”

“I agree with you, in general. For most people, this would be ridiculous. But for us… it just seems right. Necessary .” Holding Julian in my arms had been the best, the most natural thing to do. Kissing him, touching him, pleasing him had been freeing and mind-blowing at the same time.

I bit my lip before continuing. “He was gonna use this week to get over me, BJ. He’s had feelings for me for years, but he stuck by me anyway because he cares about me that much.

He was going to watch me marry someone else because he thought I was in love with her.

I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt.

And I don’t want him to go another minute without knowing how I really feel. ”

“How long have you two been best friends?” he asked. BJ’s calm demeanor was contagious. I felt myself relaxing now that we were no longer talking about what I did or didn’t need to do at this moment.

“Since first grade.”

“Wow. That’s a long time.”

I nodded. “It’s always been him. He’s my family. He’s my… everything.”

BJ shifted on the sofa before reaching for the blanket at the other end and spreading it over his legs. “Then how did you end up engaged to the woman?”

I thought back to high school. The homecoming dance. I’d thought about asking Julian to go with me, because he was simply the person I most wanted to hang with at any event like that.