Page 44

Dad sat across from me at the same dingy diner I’d gone to when I freaked out about Cody. The place had become quite a staple in my life for all things highly emotional, and the lunch with Dad was sure to prove no different. It all felt kind of full circle.

He looked at me with sincere appreciation. Dad had been trying to talk to me one-on-one for weeks now. Even after my revelation at AA, I still needed time. It was all just…a fuck ton to deal with. It wasn’t that I was afraid of the conversation we’d have; it’s just that I knew it would take its toll on both of us. I needed to build up my reserves for it.

“I’m happy we’re doing this,” he said.

My smile was genuine. “Yeah. Me too, Dad.”

When I called him Dad, I could see the joy in his eyes. They glistened before he nodded and looked down at his menu. We both pretended to look at the menu, avoiding the conversation we were frightened to have.

I’d had some practice with speaking aloud when my body revolted at the very idea of it from my time with AA. I took it upon myself to begin. “Dad, can I talk to you about Mattie?”

His eyes shut. He rested the menu on the table before looking up at me. “Yes, you can.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath for ages, hoping the oxygen would give me the strength to get through this conversation. “Did you ever blame me for Mattie’s death?” I asked.

His face crumbled. A deep sadness enveloped him. “Never. , you were fourteen. I never blamed you. I was the adult. It was my fault.”

I knew he’d say that, but I needed to hear the answers to every question I had if I were to move forward. “Why did you leave?”

Dad folded his hands and used his thumbs to massage his forehead. “I couldn’t take the guilt. I killed my youngest son and ruined my oldest son’s life. I figured it might be best if I just…disappeared.”

Something happened to me when he said that. Years of anger and hurt began to dissolve, and in their place was raw emotion. I didn’t know which one, to be honest. I just knew I felt everything all at once. “I needed you,” I said.

He looked down, his face collapsing at the gravity of my words. “I know. It was selfish of me. I know that now.”

“Did Mom tell you it was your fault?”

“Yes and no. It was implied but not explicit. I don’t blame your Mom for anything she said. We were both so devastated. The only thing I regret is not taking better care of you. By the time I realized what a mistake that was, you were older. I’d met Jill, and things were…” His voice trailed off.

“Yeah,” I replied. Needless to say, I made things quite complicated at the wedding.

“I never told you this, but I wanted to ask you to live with us after the wedding.”

The blood drained from my face in a rush that made me dizzy. “What?”

Dad nodded. “I spoke with your Mom about it. She was reluctant, but she finally relented. I just wanted to try to make things better, and we knew you were starting to hang out with the party crowd in Greenwich.”

My eyes closed, but it didn’t stop the tears from flowing. For so long, I believed Dad had replaced me. In truth, he wanted me to be part of it. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Dad’s hand found mine. “Don’t be. You were angry, and that was my fault. I didn’t handle any of it the right way. You deserved better.”

“It’s not your fault either, Dad. It’s nobody’s fault. We could rehash all the could-haves and should-haves until we die. It wouldn’t change anything. Trying to place blame is a waste of time.”

He frowned, his eyes narrowing as he looked at my hand. “It’s my fault I didn’t do better taking care of you afterward. I’m to blame for that. I’m sorry, .”

I was bawling in that damn diner again. It must have been built over a cemetery or something. I’d cried too many times in there for it to be coincidental.

“I wasn’t there for you, , but I want to be now—if you’ll let me. If you don’t want that, I understand. But I’m here. I want to support you in any way that I can.”

“I want that.” My words were a soft whisper amid my crying.

“, I am so proud of you. You and Cody have something special. You’re going to AA to get better. I’m so proud to be your Dad, and I’m so sorry if I ever led you to think otherwise.”

I hid my face in my hands because I was sobbing uncontrollably. Dad made his way to my side of the booth and wrapped his arm around me. “Thank you, Dad. Thank you so much.” I’m not sure if he realized how much he repaired by speaking those words. He was proud of me.

But more importantly, I was proud of myself.