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Rafael

My eyes blinked, trying to figure out what room I was in after what felt like being asleep for a hundred years. I scanned the area. I appreciated the soft lighting, but there were annoying beeping sounds.

What the hell?

I went to grab my phone to turn off the alarm and saw the tube hooked to my arm. I followed the tube up to the clear plastic bag of fluid connected to a pole.

Fuck. Me.

No. Oh, God, I wanted to go back to sleep. I had no recollection of what happened as I tried to sit up in my hospital bed. All attention was immediately directed to my throat, which felt like someone had stuck—

Oh my God.

What had happened started to dawn on me. Panic consumed me as I looked around. There was no Cody. No family. My stomach rumbled, no doubt a combination of what I was sure was a lot of vomiting and the dread of knowing that I’d done something so majorly fucked up.

A nurse walked in and said, “Your family would like to see you.”

The tears welled in my eyes. This was it. I’d pushed Cody too far. He would leave, and I deserved it.

Cody entered first. His face was pale, and his eyes were puffy and red. Oh no, angel.

Hank and Jill followed, both of whom looked just as distraught.

Everyone stood in silence. I had no idea what to say. Sorry? I doubted that would cut it.

“How are you feeling?” Hank asked.

I didn’t have any sort of shitty retort. I’d just put all three of them through hell; they didn’t need my trademark snark on top of it. “Okay. A little groggy and nauseous.”

More silence. Cody stood there, his eyes scanning the equipment hooked to my body. I could see the overwhelming gravitas in his face. It was all too much for him. I was too much for him.

“You scared us,” Jill added, breaking the silence.

I bet.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Rafael, why? Why did you drink so much?” Hank asked.

In hindsight, the reason was pretty fucking lame. I was suspended for three games, and I decided to respond by almost killing myself with alcohol. Jesus, I’m so selfish.

“I have no excuse. Coach told me I was suspended for three games, but that’s still no excuse. I-I’m so sorry.”

My eyes trailed from Hank to Cody, and the look on his face sent chills down the back of my neck. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, or despondent, or what. His stare was like a physical force pushing against me.

“Can I talk to Rafael alone for a minute, please?” Cody asked.

Fuck. Here it comes.

Hank and Jill nodded and turned to leave. “We’ll be outside. Please let us know when you’re finished,” Hank said as he closed the door behind him.

Cody stood at the foot of my bed, completely silent. I wanted him to say it. The anticipation was killing me. My breath was shaky, and my gut hurt even more. I knew what was coming, and I fucking deserved it, but the pain of waiting was so intense.

My breathing accelerated, and I finally gasped out, “Say it. Please, I can’t do it anymore. I know you wanna leave me. Just say it because I can’t—”

Tears stopped me mid-sentence. They came fast and strong, and my sobs filled the room. My angel was going to leave me because I pushed him away.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Cody said. “But it feels like you want me to.”

My breath hitched. “Never. I’d never want that.”

“Then why are you hurting yourself? Why are you making me watch you hurt yourself?”

The question confounded me, and I’d never thought about it that way before. I wasn’t just hurting myself. I was making him bear witness to it, which was cruel.

“I don’t know, Cody. I don’t want to. Not really. It’s just…”

My voice trailed off. I didn’t have any answers. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

“Rafael, I’ve asked you to get help. I’ve begged you to see someone, and you brush it off.” He tried to catch his breath as his tears stained his cheeks. “This isn’t fair. I can’t watch this. Rafael, I love you so much. I will always love you, but this isn’t fair to me.” He was sobbing by that point. His hands were shaking as he clenched them to his sides. “I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t be with someone who can’t love themselves as much as I love them, because it hurts. It hurts too much. Because I would do anything for you except continue to watch you destroy yourself.”

We stood at an impasse, weeping for the relationship that meant everything to us, yet we couldn’t continue—not like it had been.

And it was up to me to change it. I could either continue on with my self-imposed descent into drunken sadness or acknowledge that a light had come into my life that needed to be cherished.

“I’ll stop,” I said.

His eyes widened. “Stop…”

“The drinking. I’ll go to AA. I’ll…I’ll talk to someone too.”

It would be hard, but I needed to do it. It was time for me to take ownership of my life. I was a victim only in so much as I let myself be a victim. My life was my responsibility, and I needed to fix it.

He closed his eyes, and the tears fell in heaps. “Rafael, you know I want that so much, but it won’t work if you don’t want it. You can’t do it for me. It has to be for yourself.”

“It is,” I replied. “It’s for me. And for us. Because I love you and don’t want to live without you, I love you more than anything in the world, Cody. It’s just—”

“What?” he asked.

I wanted to curl up into a little ball and hide forever. It was all so raw. So vulnerable. “I just get so scared, and I need help sometimes.”

Cody rushed to my side, peppering my face with kisses. “So, let me help you. Please!”

“You shouldn’t. You had to do too much. Between your dad and mom, you don’t need my shit.”

“I want your shit. I love your shit because it’s part of you. I’m not perfect. I have my bullshit that I need to deal with, but we can help each other if we’re honest. I’ll do anything, but you have to meet me halfway. You have to want to get better. I’ll be there every single step of the way if you do.”

I was a mess. You couldn’t even say I was crying anymore. I was full-on blubbering. “I will. I will, Cody. I love you so much.”

Cody wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “I love you, too. So, so, much, Rafael.”

Cody

I left Rafael’s room to let Hank and Jill know that they could go back in, but I also had instructions.

“Can one of you go home and throw away all the booze in the house before Rafael returns?” I whispered. Why was I whispering? Not sure. It felt weird doing this behind Rafael’s back, but I knew we needed to do everything possible to help him.

They looked at me wide-eyed. “Did he say he wants to quit?” Hank asked.

I nodded. “He wants to go to AA and see a therapist. It would be really good of us not to drink around him.”

That was basically my request that Hank not drink around Rafael, because Mom and I never touched the stuff.

Hank nodded. “I think that’s an excellent idea. I’d like to see him again, and then I’ll go home and clean everything out.”

“I’ll help,” Mom added. “I take it you’re probably staying here tonight?”

Oh, there was no way in hell I was sleeping without my man. I’d sleep here tonight and every night after they deemed it necessary for his recovery.

“Yup,” I replied.

Mom nodded and looked at Hank. “Let’s check on Rafael, then go home and get to work.”