Page 29

Cody

I awoke the next day alone, which wasn’t unusual. We’d set up a system where whoever wasn’t in their room would sneak out early the next morning to avoid detection. What was different this time was that Rafael wasn’t in the house when I went downstairs. There was a bowl in the sink, signaling he had breakfast—Rafael never put anything in the dishwasher—and I assumed he had to run errands or something. It was odd because he usually told me if he had stuff to do the next day.

He had a dream last night, and I wanted to check on him.

“I’ll text him,” I thought to myself.

Mom was packing up about two dozen cookies she’d made for the church bake sale, so I said, as nonchalantly as possible, “Rafael left?”

Mom didn’t look up from her task as she answered. “Mmhm. He was pretty quiet, and I didn’t want to pry.”

I grabbed my phone and texted him.

Me: Hey! You at the park or something?

He saw it. The dreaded dots indicating he was writing something appeared, vanished, reappeared, and disappeared entirely. He didn’t respond.

Maybe he had an appointment and couldn’t text right then? Hank was at work, so he wouldn’t be with him.

I made my way to the cereal cupboard and poured myself a bowl. I sat at the kitchen island staring at the text I had sent Rafael while shoveling cereal into my mouth—still, nothing.

I was being a stage ten clinger. Okay, so he went out without saying anything. It wasn’t a big deal. He’s allowed to have a life. We started getting along about five minutes ago. Why was I being so sensitive about this?

I texted Asher to meet me at the park to play street hockey. I needed to chill out. It was summer, so I should make the most of it. Maybe Rafael went out with Theo or something.

Fortunately, Asher was game, so I grabbed my gear and met him at the park.

Rafael

I just needed time to think. Everything with Cody happened so fast. I went from hating his guts and using him as a tool to bring about the demise of my absent father to having dreams about him drowning.

That never happened before. Ever. Why did Cody replace Mattie in the dream? I rubbed the heels of my palms over my eyes, trying to get rid of the image of Cody’s lifeless face in the water as I sat at some cheap diner in downtown New Rochelle.

I didn’t understand it. Mattie was supposed to be in the dream. I lost Mattie. Not Cody. What the fuck did this mean?

Better yet, what did I think I was doing with Cody? We were sneaking into each other’s beds to snuggle. We weren’t doing it to have a clandestine fuck-fest while our oblivious parents slept on the floor above us. No, Cody and I were—

I lost him .

It hit me why I saw him in the dream. I’m going to lose him. Sooner or later, something would happen. Cody would see me for who I really was, and he’d leave. I’d lose him just like a lost Mattie because I couldn’t hold on to the people I loved. Mattie died, Dad ran away, and Mom disappeared emotionally. She closed herself off. We barely spoke in all the years we lived alone together in that house. We didn’t even hug.

I’d lose Cody because I lost everyone. That was my curse in life, which is why I’d closed myself off to begin with. It hurt too much to keep losing the people I loved.

And I loved—

The coffee turned to acid in my gut and rose to the back of my throat. I ran to the restroom and emptied my stomach in the lone toilet housed in a bathroom painted sickly blue and covered in messages scribbled in marker by shitty teens like me.

I stayed there until everything left my body, then ambled back to the dining area. My spot at the coffee bar was still available, so I sat back down and looked at my phone. I hadn’t answered Cody, and I wasn’t going to. I went to my contacts and called the last person who wanted to hear from me.

“Hi, Mom.”

Cody

It was hot as hell. Playing hockey outside in July was definitely ill-advised, but it was good to have the distraction from the fact that Rafael hadn’t responded. I still didn’t know why I was stressing about it. It’s not like we texted each other all day long. Mainly because we lived in the same house, but still…

I was skating back home when I saw all three cars in the driveway.

He’s back.

I was so relieved as I rolled into the garage, took off my rollerblades, and threw my gear on the floor before I ran into the kitchen.

Rafael, Hank, and Mom were gathered around the kitchen island, so I strolled over and asked, “What’s up?”

I didn’t even have to wait for an answer to know something was wrong. Mom and Hank looked ashen. I turned to Rafael, and he looked at the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked again.

Mom and Hank looked at each other and then at Rafael. Neither spoke for a moment, and then Hank finally said, “Rafael has decided that he wants to go to military school. His mother will pick him up at the end of July.”

I can’t tell you what happened to me when I heard Hank utter those words. It was as if my entire body felt like a limb you’d slept on.

I was numb yet tingly at the same time, but the tingly feeling felt like little spikes poking me all over my body.

My gut reaction was to laugh because, like hell, Rafael was going to military school. Him? Military school? That was hilarious. He could barely get out of bed before eleven. But when I looked at him and saw his face, I knew. This was real. They were serious.

“What the fuck?” I yelled.

Mom held up her hand and begged, “Please, Cody. We know this is a shock, but—”

“Are you serious?” I asked Rafael.

Silence. He said nothing. He didn’t even look at me. “Look at me!”

Mom rounded the island to caress my shoulder. “Honey, calm down. Look, why don’t I get dinner started and—“

“Is this about the movie? The beach?” I asked.

That got through to him because he finally looked at me. “What?” he asked.

“It was…was it like…too much?” My mind raced with how I could ask him if it got too real too soon, without our parents finding out what I was talking about. “Can we talk?”

He turned away again and played with his pant leg. “That’s not a good idea, Cody.”

“Why?” I was fully yelling at this point. My skin felt cold, and my stomach churned as my eyes burned with unshed tears. It got too intimate. We were sharing a bed, getting closer, becoming something real, and he couldn’t handle it because he was a toxic bastard who I could have killed at that moment. “Tell me why. What happened? I can fix it. We can go back. I-I don’t need things…”

Rafael looked at me with those same dead eyes he had in the car when I said Mattie’s name. The sparkling blue looked more like the pale eyes of a cadaver.

He just shook his head and said, “Cody. Don’t.”

I started laughing like I was insane, and Hank asked, “What’s this about? What’s going on—”

“Nothing,” Rafael blurted out. “Nothing is going on. I hate it here. I hate this fucking house, and everyone in it. That’s why I want to leave.”

Hank clenched his fists and argued, “No, you don’t, Rafael.”

“The fuck I don’t!” Rafael screamed back. “I hate it here, and I hate you,” he pointed to Hank, “and you,” then to Mom, “and—” a garbled sound escaped his mouth, like he was choking on the horrible words he was about to say to me, “and you.”

He said it. He choked on it but still said it, and my heart broke. I looked in his cold, lifeless eyes and said, “You don’t hate me, Rafael. You hate yourself.”

His breath hitched, and the temperature in the room dropped. The air became too thin, and I couldn’t catch my breath. The silence lingered. No one said a word.

I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what I’d do. My entire being felt like it was crumbling to pieces, so I ran. I ran out the front door and didn’t stop running. I ran until I couldn’t anymore, and when I couldn’t, my body collapsed, and I sobbed on the side of the road.

***

Everyone was asleep when I got back to the house. I had ignored all twenty of Mom’s calls. As I walked up the stairs, I fantasized that maybe I’d walk into my room, and he’d be sleeping on my bed, waiting for me. Then I’d crawl next to him and just sink into his embrace. But he wasn’t in my room when I got there. His door was closed, but I walked over and turned the knob.

He locked it. My head leaned against his door. The tears streamed down my face as I begged him as quietly as possible not to do this. My voice was barely more than a whisper. I’m sure he didn’t hear me, but I wanted to say it. I tried to expel the words from my body so that I didn’t do something foolish like beg him to his face. He locked me out, and he was about to leave. Rafael didn’t want me in his life. I turned around and went back to my room. I didn’t lock the door because I’m not like that. I couldn’t lock my heart away and force myself to ignore how I felt. My door was open because I couldn’t close off my connection to Rafael, and because I wanted so badly to wake up next to him the next day.

Rafael

I heard every word Cody said on the other side of the door. The impulse to jump up, throw the door open, and wrap him in my arms was stronger than anything I’d ever felt.

But I didn’t let myself, because Cody deserved better. Cody needed someone who wouldn’t let go. My angel needed someone worthy of his heart, and that wasn’t me. Eventually, he’d see me for what I was, and I’d lose him.

And I knew that would be worse than the agony of hearing him cry against my bedroom door because I broke his heart.