Page 34

Rafael

Blackness consumed the world as the night sky unleashed a torrent, obscuring my visibility and flooding the boat with water.

Lightning tore through the sky, reminding me of the day the sea snatched Mattie from my hands while the thunder roared, beckoning me like a demon hungry for another victim.

I saw in my mind the man I’d become. Sad. Lonely. Desperate for anything to numb the pain, like I’d been in the cabin. The boat rocked as the lake’s choppy water tossed it about. I’d fall over if I stood, and the waters would take me.

I wanted it to end.

I wanted to spare myself of this pain, and I wanted to spare Cody of seeing my slow demise. My angel deserved joy, not whatever I’d turn into. Nobody deserved this except me, and I couldn’t take it any longer.

It was time to let the water finish what it started.

I rose to my feet, trying to keep my balance as the boat rocked wildly.

There was no life vest, no second chances, no take-backs. Once I dove into the water, the current would pull me under.

The shaking hadn’t stopped since I left the cabin. I knew Cody thought I drank the Isopropyl. I tried. People who need alcohol will go to desperate measures, but I couldn’t keep it down. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. My body would feel everything, and maybe that was better. Maybe I deserved it.

My head felt like it was in a vice—too much crying and panicking. It would all be over soon. I stepped closer to the edge until something smashed into the back of the boat, making my body soar backwards and land on the floor with a thud.

“Get in this fucking boat, you asshole!”

Cody? No. Cody wasn’t supposed to see this. “Go back to shore, Cody!”

“Not until you get in this boat. Now,” he screamed back.

“Please! Please, go back, Cody. It’s fucking dangerous out here! You deserve more than me. You deserve more than I can give you.”

“Shut your mouth and get in this fucking boat!”

“No. I can’t do it anymore. Please, go back.”

Cody stood up. “I’m coming, Rafael. I’m taking you back to the cabin, and there’s no stopping me.”

Both boats continued smashing into one another as the waves grew bigger. “Stop, Cody! Please go back. Please.”

He didn’t say anything as he gripped the sides of his boat and stepped onto the ledge to jump to mine. The winds picked up, and the rain poured in heaps. Waves crashed into the boat. Another wave tipped his boat wildly.

Time stopped as I watched him fall forward. His head smacked off the side of my boat. I lunged forward to grab his arm, but he slipped out of my hands. His body fell into the dark waters, where it disappeared into the abyss.

“NO!”

I dove in. Darkness enveloped me, but I saw Cody’s pale skin for just a moment before he sank deeper, disappearing altogether.

I tore through the water like a maniac, swimming to where I’d seen him vanish.

I’ll get you. I’ll get you.

My fingers connected with his cold skin.

Got you!

My arms wrapped around him as I kicked my legs, desperately trying to get us above water. We breached the surface, and Cody let out a heaving breath. Good. He wasn’t unconscious.

I locked my hands together. Nothing was going to take Cody away from me. This fucking lake could take me, but not him. No matter what happened, Cody would live to see another sunrise.

I breathed in and tightened my core, becoming the paddleboard he needed as I kicked my feet repeatedly.

The lake tossed the boats like toys. They looked seconds away from cracking into pieces from the force of the water. One wave after another enveloped our bodies and pulled us below, but I kicked as hard as I could each time. The shoes were dead weight, pulling me down, so I kicked them off. The rain turned to hail and pelted us like knives. Another wave. Blackness. Water. We need air. My legs burned as I pushed them to their limit, keeping both our bodies afloat. Cody released heaving coughs as the waves continued their onslaught. He had to make it. He had to.

A light pierced the darkness. I could make out the outline of an orange hull.

Rescue boat.

“HELP! HELP! HELP!”

I screamed it over and over. Water filled my mouth, but I’d hack it up and scream again. The light shone brighter. The hull approached. Voices became audible—a rope sliced through the air, landing in the water. I reached for it and wrapped it around our bodies.

“Pull us up,” I cried out.

The rope became taut and inched us closer to the boat, where outstretched arms from the deck reached down to grab us. They got Cody, and before I knew it, sturdy arms were pulling me aboard.

I crawled to Cody, wiping the water off his face. “Tell me you’re okay,” I yelled.

I wrapped my arms around him, and my hand found the pulse point on his neck. I rested my thumb on it, feeling his lifeforce pumping through his precious body. He made it. He made it.

Cody settled into my arms, his beautiful face looking up at me. Seeing him cradled in my arms made me realize how stupid I’d been. I could have hurt him. My selfishness put him at risk. Cody .

“I love you, Cody. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Cody pulled my hand to cup his cheek as he mouthed, “I love you.”

I never wanted to let him go. Cody was so much more than a lover. Cody sailed into a storm to find me. He risked everything to stop me from harming myself. No, he wasn’t just a lover. Cody was my soulmate. My heart beat for him and him alone.

I’d been afraid to let go this whole time. It hit me that if I didn’t want to let go, it was up to me to hold on.

And that’s exactly what I’d do.

Forever.

Cody

Stealing that boat was the best thing I could have done. Once the owner saw how bad the storm was getting, he called Emergency Services.

When we arrived back at Sue’s dock, Rafael carried me to the cabin in his arms. When we entered, he flipped a chair upright with his foot and sat me down.

“I’ll get the shower ready, okay?”

My throat hurt so bad from hacking up the water, so I just nodded and smiled. Rafael’s hand cupped my face. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

The bathroom light turned on, illuminating the space. It looked like a war zone. My eyes closed as the sound of the shower transported me to the fantasy of warm water enveloping my cold skin.

Rafael returned and picked me up off the chair.

“You don’t have to carry me,” I croaked.

“Shh. Let me.”

Rafael set me on my feet right outside the bathroom. “Lean against the wall for a second.”

The rescue team did a check, and I didn’t show signs of a concussion—just a big knot on my head. Rafael didn’t need to do all of this. He had to be exhausted from trying to keep me and himself afloat for so long. I wanted him to stop over-exerting himself.

He started undressing me with the utmost care. Once I was naked, he guided me into the shower. The warm water felt glorious on my body. I sighed in relief as it cascaded down my back, over my head, and flowed down my chest.

I wiped the water from my face and opened my eyes to see Rafael undressing himself. He entered the shower, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

I was standing in that shower because of him, and I wanted to make sure he knew.

“Rafael. You saved me,” I told him.

His eyes glistened with emotion, and he kissed my forehead. “No, you saved me,” he replied.

“We saved each other.”

“You’re right,” he agreed. Rafael’s eyes squinted shut. His body shuddered as a gasping sob escaped his mouth, and he started weeping. “I’m so sorry, Cody.” He cried as he kissed my lips, cheeks, and forehead.

“You don’t have to apologize,” I assured him.

“Yes, I do. I scared you. You came into the water to get me. I put you in harm’s way.” He sobbed again, the choking sounds coming from his throat broke my heart. “I’ve been so stupid, Cody. I’m so sorry.” Rafael rested his head on my shoulder and broke down. “I could have lost you. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

My poor, sweet baby. I knew he wasn’t apologizing for just the lake. He was apologizing for everything. I kissed his sweet head and held him for as long as it took for him to cry what I could only imagine were years and years of tears. I’d let Rafael stay in my arms like that for eternity if I could.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “Just…please don’t do that ever again. I care about you so much. No matter how dark it gets, please always remember how much I love you, Rafael.”

He leaned back and looked me in the eyes. “I love you, too, Cody.”

We kissed again, and Rafael wouldn’t let go. He pressed me to his lips, and we embraced as the water warmed our bodies.

As the passion settled, he leaned back and looked into my eyes. A sense of wonder spread across his face as Rafael reached for the soap bar on the dish mounted to the wall. He lathered his hands, fell to his knees, then began washing my feet.

“Rafael, you don’t have to do that.”

He looked up at me, his blue eyes glistening with emotion. “Please, let me. I need to feel you. I need to feel your skin in my hands to know it’s real—to know I won’t wake up and you’ll be gone.”

Tears escaped my eyes as I looked at his sad, beautiful face. I would give anything to return to that day and help him—carrying this terrible burden alone was too much for anyone.

I nodded, and he continued, washing my feet and legs, then making his way up my body to lather me with his gentle caresses.

Rafael was meticulous as he did it. His face was a mix of gratitude and determination. It wasn’t sexual; it was something more—something so profound and emotional that I couldn’t compare it to anything I’d ever experienced.

He savored every touch. My body became a tabernacle, and he devoted himself to worshiping.

The touch of his hands on my body ignited a flame of longing deep in my belly. No other person in the world could make me feel like Rafael did.

I knew at that moment that I’d love Rafael until the day I died.

The water grew cold, and he turned it off. He wrapped me in a towel and dried me before drying himself. Then, he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom.

I didn’t argue anymore. I could tell what he was doing was as much for him as it was for me. He needed to do this.

The cabin was dark, save for the bathroom light, providing just enough visibility. When we ascended the stairs, he carefully set me on the bed and turned on the only bedside light he hadn’t tipped over.

He retrieved the bedding strewn about the room and draped the sheets over me, followed by the comforter. He tucked me in and then went back downstairs.

He returned with a glass of water and a bottle of pain medicine.

“Here. Let’s give you two of these for the head,” he said.

This was all I wanted. I wanted to bear witness to the beautiful heart he had hidden from the world. Did I need it all the time? No, I understood that Rafael was as complicated as a freaking Rubik’s cube, and asking for more than he was ready to give would only result in him pushing me away, but I wanted to see it sometimes. I needed to see it sometimes.

My whole being wanted to say that to him. I don’t need a lot. You can still be you. I love you. I just need the part of you you’re afraid of…sometimes.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Can I get you anything else?” he asked.

“No, come lie beside me. Please.”

Rafael got into bed and opened his arms, and I nestled into his embrace.

Perhaps the events of the previous twenty-four hours made me say it, but I had to. I had to know this was real, too. I had to know this wouldn’t be another heartbreak.

“Rafael.”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t push me away again.”

His hand found mine, and we threaded our fingers together. “Never again. I promise.”

Rafael

The terror of losing Cody, combined with everything I’d kept locked inside, poured out of me all at once in the shower. I don’t think I ever felt safe enough to let myself cry that hard. When Mattie died, Mom and Hank stopped behaving like parents. The grief and subsequent hatred they felt for each other took hold of any mature impulse they had. Mom turned into a wreck, and Hank shut down. Then he left. There just wasn’t enough room for my grief.

Cody gave me the safety to feel everything. For the past four years, I felt so selfish whenever I wanted to reach out for help because I couldn’t help Mattie that day, and my parents were in no position to help me. I just got lost in their maddening chaos.

But Cody let me in. He didn’t push me away or make me feel less than. Cody wrapped his arms around me and just let me grieve. The poor angel even had a knot on his head the size of a fucking baseball and he still took care of me.

I love him.

I yearned to kiss him. So, I did. When our lips touched, it sealed the connection between us. With that one kiss, we turned the page on this tumultuous thing we had and silently decided to start anew.

Cody was my guy, and I was his. No matter the journey ahead, I knew one thing with certainty: Cody was a gift, and I’d never let him go again.