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Rafael

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I tried to argue it down, but the league wouldn’t listen.”

My body shook as I paced about my bedroom. A cold chill washed over me, but the blood that rushed to my face was as hot as lava. The collision of temperatures made my body unsteady, so I collapsed onto the bed.

I needed water. My throat was so dry.

“Three games? I’m not the first person to do something like this, right? I mean, I know I went off the rails a bit, but it was a fist-fight for fuck’s sake. Sorry! Sorry. I didn’t mean to swear.”

God-fucking-damnit. Three games felt like an eternity. I’d miss almost every game leading up to the fall classic.

“I know; I thought it was steep, too. The league seems to think your outburst caused the larger fight. I think they’re trying to make an example out of you.”

I couldn’t suppress my scoff. Naturally, I’d be the example for the rest of the league. That seemed pretty par for the course for my life.

“I told them that wasn’t fair,” Coach continued, “But they were adamant.”

If I missed the Fall Classic, what the hell did that mean for my future? The Fall Classic was one of the key opportunities for college and NHL scouts to suss out new talent. It was a player’s chance to show their skill, hockey IQ, and physicality. The pressure was intense, and they’d get to see which players could handle it.

“Is there anything I can do? That’s so much time. I’d miss every game in September. Would I have enough time on the ice to justify playing in the Fall Classic?”

Coach released a long sigh.

Not a good sign.

“I can’t make any promises, Rafael. It’s a lot of time to miss, but you can keep up with your training. There will be a couple of games leading up to the Fall Classic in mid-October that you can play. That’ll help me understand where you’re at.”

It wasn’t great, but it was something. I pinched the bridge of my nose; the throbbing pain in my head was starting to become unbearable.

“Did you tell them about the fist-bump? Did that do anything?” I asked.

“It certainly got him in a world of trouble, too. I’m not sure how long, but I was told he’d also be getting a suspension.”

Good. At least there was some justice in this equation.

“I appreciate you trying, Coach.” I couldn’t mask the defeat in my voice. It felt like I’d destroyed everything I’d worked for in a thirty-second fist-fight. I was so angry at myself.

“I know this isn’t great, Rafael, but it’s not hopeless. You and Cody can do some additional training together when you’re off the ice. I know he’ll help. You guys seem to be close.”

Coach and the rest of the team still didn’t know about us. Well, they may have started suspecting after I nearly killed a dude who hit Cody. I was giving major overprotective boyfriend vibes.

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Coach.”

“See you at practice.”

The phone landed on my bed with a thud. My body fell backwards, landing on the bed, and I scrubbed my face with my hands.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. My dreams were getting worse, I was fucking up my chances at playing the sport I loved, and I was probably freaking Cody out with my protectiveness.

I just couldn’t get a grip on anything. Was I subconsciously sabotaging my entire life?

Probably. Which is why Cody wants you to see someone, numbnuts.

The fear that someone would come and destroy this moment of respite in my life warred with my need to control it. The pressure hugged me like a vice.

I just can’t handle it.

Cody

I sat with Mom on the porch while Rafael had his call. Despite my protests, he insisted on having it alone. I wasn’t hurt or mad that he didn’t want me there; I just wished he didn’t feel the need to endure these things alone.

I tried to talk to him about seeing someone again, but he brushed me off. He tried to put on his front that everything was great on the surface, but I could sense the rumbling underneath. Rafael was freaking out. I wasn’t sure if it was about me or what, but he was spiraling and wouldn’t let me in.

It broke my heart.

I tried to talk with Hank again, and he told me that Rafael avoided him at all costs. Hank would either have some excuse as to why he couldn’t talk or spit out something vaguely hurtful. He would just retreat.

Honestly, I wanted Hank to fucking step up and be a goddamn dad. He needed to walk into Rafael’s room, close the fucking door, and make him listen.

Mom sipped her tea as she scanned the backyard. We sat together in awkward silence. Our last real conversation was at the cabin, which wasn’t exactly harmonious, and I was still upset at how she responded to Rafael and me. Still, I didn’t like the tension, so I spoke honestly with her.

“Mom, are you still freaked out about Rafael and me?”

Mom’s eyes didn’t meet mine. She looked down at her teacup for a moment. “I wasn’t freaked out when you told me.” She finally looked up, only to be met with my very disbelieving glare. “Oh, alright, I was a little freaked out. It just was…a shock.”

“I know. It’s weird. Stepbrothers and all.”

Mom’s eyes scanned the table we sat at, a contemplative expression on her face.

“It wasn’t because you’re stepbrothers.” She turned to me, no doubt noticing my raised brow. “No, honestly, Rafael—” She stopped mid-thought and looked at me. “Rafael is unpredictable. He drinks, and he can be volatile. Not to mention you two didn’t have the best relationship early on, and—” She stopped again, the anticipation inside me reaching a boiling point. “I know you won’t want to hear this, but Rafael is a bit like your father, Cody. I guess we have similar tastes in men, huh?”

Take. Me. Now. God.

Mom must have seen my queasy expression because she held up her hand to stop my rumination. “ I’m not saying they’re the same. As an outside observer, I can see that Rafael is crazy about you. There’s true love in his eyes when he looks at you.”

My cheeks heated up. God, I hated how quickly I blushed. “Really?”

“Mmm hmm, and I’m not saying Rafael will do something like your father did. There were many red flags I chose to ignore when it came to your father. Rafael has a wild streak, though. He’s also very wounded. It’s a tough combination. I think my reaction at the cabin was an attempt to prevent you from making a similar mistake that I had made. But—” She pointed her finger at me, shooting me with a laser-focused stare. “It hit me later that I didn’t make a mistake. I would have never had you if I hadn’t been with your father. That would have been the mistake.”

My mouth hit the table. Mom didn’t talk much about Dad, but the little she did mention was negative. Hearing her say it was all worth it because of me brought tears to my eyes.

“Mom…”

She reached across the table and held my hand. “It’s the truth, sweetie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Period. I know I haven’t always been the best parent. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and relied on you too much. You’ve gone through a lot, and you deserve to be happy. If Rafael makes you happy, then I’m happy for that. I love him.” Her hand squeezed mine a little tighter, her eyes never leaving mine. “But don’t put up with any bullshit either. It takes two people to be in a relationship. Regardless of what Rafael is going through, he needs to think about your feelings too.”

It was what I needed to hear. Parents can be funny like that. They can drive you crazy for your entire life, and then look at you and say something so poignant and perfect that it makes you forget all of the crazy things they did along the way.

I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that Rafael didn’t have something like this. I wanted him to let Hank in. I wanted him to be okay.

***

I knew Rafael wanted space for his phone call, but it had been nearly two hours. Coach couldn’t have been talking to him for a full two hours, right?

I made my way up the stairs and knocked on his bedroom door. “Rafael? Are you still on the phone?”

Nothing.

With my ear pressed to the door, I did my best to listen for his voice.

It was completely quiet.

That’s weird.

Why didn’t he come down and get me once he was finished?

“Rafael? Are you in there?”

He wouldn’t have left or something without telling me, right? I listened again, trying to hear anything. Even his cute snores would be some clue as to what was going on.

Suddenly, a wet, gurgling sound began. It sounded unnatural. Frightening.

I jiggled the doorknob to find it was locked.

Fuck!

I backed up, giving myself as much room as the narrow upstairs hall would allow, and barged into the door.

“What’s happening?” Mom yelled from downstairs.

“Something’s wrong.”

I threw my body into it again. The door cracked a bit.

“Mom, Hank, something is wrong with Rafael.”

Hank ran up the stairs. “What is it?”

“I don’t know. The door is locked, and I hear choking.”

Hank didn’t skip a beat. Together, we threw bodies against the door, which finally splintered at the seams and opened.

Rafael lied on the bed, and I ran to him. I noticed his blue lips first, then the fluttering of his eyes. I put my hand on his cheeks, trying to turn him to look at me, and his skin was cold and clammy.

My heart thundered in my chest. Mom was right outside the bedroom door by this point.

“Jill, call an ambulance,” Hank yelled.

Mom started calling, and my hands started shaking.

“Rafael! Rafael, wake up!”

He was unresponsive. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I shook his body, trying to get him to wake up.

His chest rose and fell unevenly, and the gagging intensified. Vomit started falling from his mouth.

“Rafael! Please! Please, wake up!”

“They’re on their way,” Mom said as she raced into the room. “He’s throwing up? Turn him so he doesn’t choke.”

The three of us turned him so that he lay on his side, and the vomit poured out of his mouth, landing on the floor.

My eyes couldn’t look away as it landed in a puddle, and there, next to the bed, was an empty bottle of Smirnoff.

“Rafael, stay with me. Stay with me.”

Sirens roared outside, and Mom ran down the stairs, leading them into Rafael’s room.

“Everyone out. We need space.”

I couldn’t even protest. Mom grabbed me and yanked me out of the room. The medics moved quickly.

“Gotta get the tube in,” one of them said.

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” I whispered.

Mom pulled me into her embrace to cover my eyes, and she put her hands on my ears. I could still hear everything, though. Rafael gagged again, and a hissing sound followed it. I thought I’d pass out right there in the hall.

“Start suction.”

The device they used emitted whooshing and sucking sounds filled the room. Rafael’s gurgles were accompanied by the swish of fluids.

It was too much. I wept on Mom’s shoulder, trying to keep it together, but I wanted to run in there and hold him.

The process continued. It felt like hours, though I’m sure it was only a few minutes, if that. Time was a thing of the past. My world had splintered.

“It’s clear.”

I ripped myself away from Mom and looked, tears still streaming down my face. The medics wasted no time: one called the hospital while the other two prepared to transport Rafael’s body.

“I’m going with them,” I said.

“He’s still unconscious,” a medic responded. “No one in the ambulance. Let’s move.”

I wanted to protest, but Hank said, “Let’s get in the car. Now.”

As soon as Rafael was loaded into the ambulance, we were in the car and ready to follow. I wanted to be in there with him so badly it hurt. My heart was in tatters as the ambulance drove off with my baby. He was alone, and I hated it.

Please let him be okay.