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Rafael

A canopy of ominous thunderclouds hung overhead. Waves crashed into the tiny boat. Mattie must have smacked his face off the boat while being tossed about because his face was covered in blood.

I gripped the sides of the boat and desperately tried to reach him. Mattie’s eyes drooped, and the lifejacket hung loose on his body. “Pull it tighter, Mattie!”

I clutched the boat to keep from falling overboard and finally reached him. I pulled Mattie into me.

“Stay awake, Mattie.”

He was fading, and the boat would capsize—too much water was in it. My body trembled as I –

I saw him out of the corner of my eye.

“Cody?” Cody sat in the boat with us. He wasn’t there before. He had an enormous knot on his head, blood streaming from it. Cody looked at me with a sad expression before his eyes began fluttering. I ran over to him. “Cody! What is it?”

I could see the whites of his eyes. His head rolled back before falling to the side. The weight of it caused his body to sag to one side.

I slapped his face, trying to make him wake up. A soft groan from behind reminded me of Mattie. I ran back to him. His eyes were closed. Blood covered his face, and I didn’t know what to do.

Cody’s body convulsed. I ran back to him, and a foamy drool fell from his mouth.

“What’s happening to you?” I cried out.

I turned to the opposite end of the boat to find Mattie gone. I looked over the boat’s edge to see Mattie floating in the water. “No!”

I dove in just as an enormous wave engulfed us. The boat capsized. Mattie’s body floated one way, while Cody’s floated another. I didn’t know who to swim to first. Mattie was drifting further away. Cody’s body began sinking. He didn’t have a life vest. I dove, trying to find him. It was impossible to find him in the black sea. My head breached the surface, and I looked for Mattie.

Gone.

They were both gone. I screamed. I screamed over and over again. I cursed and pleaded to give them back. “Please! Please!”

“Rafael!”

Cody’s hands cupped my face. The sharp inhalation burned my lungs, and my trembling hands reached forward in the dark room.

My eyes adjusted, and Cody’s sweet face came into view.

“Baby, you’re dreaming again,” he said. My hands wrapped around his shoulders, and I squeezed his body to mine. “Breathe, baby. Just breathe,” he said.

I shuddered as the first tear escaped. It had been nearly a month since the cabin, and the dream had plagued my nights.

I tried to hush my sobbing, but there was no hiding it from Cody. He kissed my damp cheek, reassuring me that it was just a dream. “I’m here, baby. What do you need?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question. Why was this still happening? Why was Cody a permanent fixture in this awful nightmare that had plagued my sleep for the last four years?

I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. Cody reached for a glass of water, and I downed its contents.

“I need to get up,” I said.

“I’ll come with you,” Cody replied.

“No. Please, I just need some air—to take a breath.”

Cody was reluctant to let go of my arm. “Are you sure?”

I didn’t know what I needed at that moment, but I didn’t want Cody to worry. My arms wrapped around him as I planted a kiss on his cheek. “Yeah, angel. I promise I’m okay. You’re the best.”

That did the trick. Cody’s grasp on me loosened, but his hand didn’t fully disconnect until I was out of reach.

My eyes continued their adjustment to the darkness as I made my way to the bathroom. The cold water I splashed on my face was a welcome relief. I looked in the mirror at the dark figure before me. Even in the darkness, I could see the tension still etched in my face.

I had to figure out how to fix this. I didn’t want to push Cody away. What if it became too much for him?

Everything was okay with Cody and me. We’d fallen into a wonderful routine, and I was never happier. My angel slept beside me each night. We usually talked for hours before we fell asleep.

We hadn’t told the team about us yet, but Hank and Jill had gotten used to it. Things were great.

Why do I keep having this dream?

I dried my face with a towel and crept into my bedroom. The last drawer in my dresser had what I needed. I lifted a pair of pants to find the Smirnoff I had hidden next to a bottle of mouth freshener. Cody would worry if he smelled the vodka on my breath.

The harsh taste made goosebumps rise on my arms, and the hairs on my neck stood. A few more sips, and the storm in my brain would quiet down. Then, I could sleep again, and I wouldn’t wake up Cody.

“Rafael?”

Fuck! I found the cap and quickly put the bottle back in my drawer.

“Rafael, I can smell it. You’re drinking.”

I could feel my defenses rising as his presence loomed. “Yeah. It’s just a little sip to get back to sleep.”

Cody crouched next to me and put his arm on my shoulder. “Rafael, you shouldn’t need this to sleep through the night.”

“Well, I do,” I snapped. I shook my head, ashamed of my harsh tone. This was it. Cody would see the mess I am and bail.

“Baby. Let me hold you,” he said. “Please.”

The urge to collapse to the ground was palpable. Cody didn’t need this. He didn’t need my shit. He’d taken care of his mother for years; the last thing he needed was a mess of a boyfriend, too. “Cody, I’m okay. I just need to sort myself out. Then, I’ll come back to bed.” My hand found his, and I threaded our fingers together. “Why don’t you go back to bed. I’ll be in soon.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

“Cody—”

“No. I’m not going anywhere. Talk to me, Rafael. How often do you need to do this to sleep through the night?”

“Not often,” I lied. I didn’t know why I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to be better so badly, but I just couldn’t bring myself to ask for help. The truth was that I had to drink to fall asleep often. Too often. But I also knew Cody hated alcohol, so what would he say if he knew that? “This was just a really bad dream. When I was back in Connecticut, finding liquor to quell me was a habit I’d developed. It’s a reflex that I need to break. That’s all. I wasn’t even thinking when I came here to do it. It’s like autopilot, you know?” Cody didn’t look convinced, and that made my heart pound in my chest. You’re gonna lose him. “Cody, I’m serious. I can fix this. Okay?”

He released a long, deep sigh. “Rafael, why don’t you want to talk to someone?”

“Because I don’t need to. I’m fine, Cody. I am.”

Talking about Mattie scared the hell out of me. I could barely handle hearing his name. How could I speak about what happened that day with a stranger? I’d fucking shatter and doing that in front of someone sounded like torture. I could fix it. I just needed to figure my shit out.

Cody’s fingers brushed along my arm. “Okay, baby. Just, please let me help when you have nightmares. I’ll be there for you. I promise. You don’t need that stuff.”

Yes, I did. Even in that moment, I wanted Cody to leave me alone for five minutes so I could chug a little more and let the booze numb me. I didn’t say that, though. I just nodded and let him lead me back into his room.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night.