Page 54

CHAPTER 54

Connor

Senna wasn’t at the hotel reception when we checked out, although she sent me a message earlier in the morning.

Senna: I’ll meet you in Abu Dhabi. I love you, but I need time to work through everything xx

I’ve been a zombie throughout the days of travel and preparation for the final race of the season.

Every morning, she sends a message saying good morning, and she video calls me every evening. She doesn’t say much but leaves the call open as I try to sleep, but I don’t. I watch her sleep and hope everything will be okay at the end of the season. But how can it be?

I’ve tried to talk to her several times, but she doesn’t want the team to know about us, so I’ve only spoken about the race preparation. She’s about to lose her team and everything that matters to her. I can’t push her and demand that she decide our future now. I love her too much to put that pressure on her.

“Are you okay, Con?” Silas asks as I get out of the car. He hands me a cap.

I look at Senna, and for a second, we make eye contact. Her eyes are as red-rimmed as I suspect mine are, although at least her make-up attempts to cover it. Everything inside me feels like it’s breaking. I want to hold her and tell her we can do it together, but she won’t let me help her. I’m nothing without her strength and love.

I put my cap on backwards and give her a half smile. Her shoulders lift in a sigh, and she squeezes her lips in a smile she doesn’t have the energy for. It takes everything I have not to rush over and take her in my arms.

Silas elbows me. “Connor?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m a bit off with the end of the season.”

“Same. These could be our last days together if rumours are to be believed about our future bosses.”

My heart smacks against my chest at a million miles per hour. “What do you know?”

“Connor,” Ralf shouts as he walks into the garage entrance in a Hawaiian shirt covered in neon cats. I’m shocked his husband let him out of the house with this one. He yanks me into a hug so tight that when he lets go, I nearly fall over my stumbling feet.

“It’s nice to see you,” I stutter.

“You’re a crap liar. Come with me. We need a chat.”

He slams a hand against my back and practically catapults me out of the garage.

“Do you like my shirt? I got it at the airport. I’ve decided to stop travelling for a while. I’m going to be a cat daddy.”

“It’s lovely. Myles will hate it.”

“I know,” he replies with a massive grin.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m worried about you,” Ralf says as I pace the tarmac. “That was your last practice season before qualifying tomorrow. You were going through the motions, waiting for it to end. You’ve lost your spark again.”

My eyes hurt from lack of sleep and the tears no one sees me shed.

I shrug.

Ralf shakes his head. “No, Dane. We don’t shrug our answers.” I love his brusqueness. “She asked me to chat to you.”

“There’s no point asking who ‘she’ is, is there?” I rub my forehead, refusing to give in to the temptation to check the garage and catch her eye again.

Ralf’s deep laugh makes me smile despite the sadness that’s ravaged me since Monday.

“I know she’s keeping me at arm’s length because she has so much going on in her head with the end of season and Niki returning, but I want to support her and tell the world I adore her while also making sure she doesn’t lose an ounce of credibility.”

My chest collapses, and I fold in on myself. I can’t voice my other worry, but it’s sat inside me since she told me to go so she could talk to Niki. What if she doesn’t return to me at the end of the season? What if one week without me convinces her I wasn’t good enough for her?

“All is not lost, Connor.”

“I miss her. I can help her, but her family have got to her. She’s not been the same boss this week.”

“All will be okay in the end. Deep down, she’s still the same person who revolutionised this team. I’ve seen the garage. You’re a family now.”

I grit my teeth. “But true families help each other. She thinks she has to do it alone. I need to show her that she can be the best with me and the whole team on her side. She doesn’t need to be the person her family want her to be.”

“She’s scared of so much, including letting everyone down.” Ralf shakes his head and folds his arms. “I don’t think she’ll admit it, but she’s spent all these years fighting alone that she’s terrified of trusting others and being public with someone. Her dad’s judgement is hard enough, but now she has Niki’s, too. They’ve made her question everything.”

I sigh so hard that I’m surprised I have breath left.

“You still have a race to win to get top six in the Constructor’s Championship.”

I slam my helmet down. “What’s the point?” Except I know the point. My life and everything in it has always been for and about her. “I can’t win the race. I haven’t won a race in over two years. Why would things change now?”

Ralf grabs my shoulders, and his eyes burn with torment. “Where did the self-belief go? You’ve returned from the brink when you didn’t believe you’d race again. You’ve dealt with Antoine and crashes and crippling anxiety. Where is the fire?”

I drop my head. “It left with Senna. I didn’t do it alone. She was beside me every step of the way. Nothing makes sense anymore.”

Ever since the summer, my days have been filled with her love and laughter. I don't know where I’d be if not for our nighttime video calls and the gifts she leaves me at the hotel. I reach for the paper tucked inside my racing suit she left for me this morning and scan it, although I know it by heart.

You’re the best man I’ve ever met. You’ve been the light in my day and the comfort in my weary heart. Thank you for giving me time.

“Connor,” Ralf says as I tuck the paper back inside my suit. “She believes in you. She cares about you more than anything. She sent me to be by your side because she can’t be. She’s overwhelmed by everything, and her brother and father won’t listen to her anymore because they’re so damn pig-headed. Show her that you can help and that she doesn’t need to do it alone.”

I kick the ground. “How?”

Ralf shrugs and grins. “How would I know?”

I chuckle. “So I’m not allowed to shrug, but you can? You’re a bastard.”

He chuckles. “I know. But I have a plan.”

“Seriously?”

“She might still lose the team, but it’s worth a try.” He offers me a devilish smirk. “Are you in?”

I wince. “Will it fix anything?”

“Probably not, but at least it will stop you being grumpy. You’ll have to talk to Niki. Senna isn’t talking to him, but he’s in Abu Dhabi for the race.”

“So I could lose my life after her brother beats the shit out of me, and she could be angry with me for meddling?” I glare at him, although I hold out my hand to shake his. “Fine. I’m in. It doesn’t involve any crashes, does it?”

“I can’t be held responsible for your awful driving, Dane.”

I punch him on the arm as he laughs loudly.

It’s worth trying something because, in less than three days, the woman I love will lose everything she’s worked for, and I’m terrified of what that will do to her.

“You?” Niki snaps as he opens the door to his hotel room. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want to see you again.” He tries to slam it, but I shove my foot in the way to stop him. “Move your foot, Dane. The only reason I’m not breaking it is because you need to race in two days.”

I stare him down. “Let me in. This is for Senna.”

He opens his mouth to start on me again, but I beat him to it, raising my voice. “I hate you, man. But I love you, too. If any part of you genuinely cares about your sister like I do, you’ll let me in.”

“I hate you and love you, too,” he mumbles as he opens the door. I don’t know if he wanted me to hear him. “Get on with it.”

I stride into his room, which is all soft furnishings and muted colours, but it’s impossible to tell how long Niki has been here. He hasn’t unpacked his bag, and it reeks of disinfectant. I turn on him. “I want to kick your arse like I did when we were younger?—”

He scowls at me. “When I let you because you were a weak little bastard.”

“In those days, I beat you for fun. If I did it now, I’m pretty sure one of us would damage the other one, so don’t be a dick, Niki. I should have told Senna about your request to protect her early into what we had, but you need to know I love her. I’ve loved her since I was seventeen, and I was too scared to tell her then because she was too good for me.”

He grunts in agreement.

I shove my fisted hands in my pockets. I grit my teeth and lock my eyes with him. “And because I was scared it would ruin our friendship.”

He rolls his eyes.

I squeeze my hands tighter. His square jaw is perfectly punchable. “But you and I haven’t had a friendship in some time. You didn’t come to me after you crashed except to sign a contract that trapped me. You left and only called when you wanted something. I was ready to be there for you, but you didn’t want that.”

He folds his arms like when he was a punk-ass teenager who’d lost a race. “Don’t tell me what I wanted?—”

I pin him with my stare. “Am I wrong?”

Niki raises his eyebrows. I prepare for a smackdown.

I shift to get a solid stance as I reply, “Hit me if you have to, but be prepared for me to hit you back, because I’ve got to do something with all this emotion I can’t deal with.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not going to hit you, although I should. We had a pact.”

“Fuck off with the pact. I only made it to shut you up. I’m not a player anymore, and we’re not teenagers. I love her more than anything.” His eyebrows knot together, and his lips tighten. “What was going on with you? Where have you been?”

He huffs. “It’s no one’s business?—”

I turn away. “This is a waste of time. Ralf was wrong. We don’t have a friendship anymore.”

“Wait,” Niki calls.

I turn.

His hand hangs in the space between us. “You’re my best friend in the world, and when I’m ready to share, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Promise?”

Maybe he senses that I want to pull him into a hug because he steps back but keeps his hand outstretched.

“Promise,” he replies as I take hold of his hand. His shoulders hunch. The action is a reminder of how much he’s changed. Old Niki was always up for a hug. “Does this plan involve Ralf.”

I nod.

“Fine. I’ll listen then. Let me get you a drink first.” As he fiddles with something that looks like hand sanitiser and grabs two Cokes from the mini bar, he says over his shoulder, “So you love Senna?”

“Ever since I was seventeen,” I reply, waiting for a challenge, but none comes.

With his back to me, I’ve no clue what he’s thinking. Maybe he’s preparing to throw the Cokes at my head. “I always thought she was just another game to you.”

“I didn’t think I had a chance with her, especially after the accident. And I didn’t think she loved me back. She’s distant with me now, but I keep hoping things will be okay after the end of the season.”

Niki hands me the Coke. It chills my hand, but his following words make me shiver. “I had it out with her in Vegas. I reacted so fucking badly because I felt betrayed, and I took it out on her. I’m sorry for being a dick to her and you. I’ve not been in a great space.” I open my mouth, but he cuts me off. “And I’m not telling you about that. Anyway, I’ve tried apologising to Senna, but she won’t speak to me. She loves you, but she’s terrified of letting people down. Don’t give up on her.”

“I couldn’t. Are you saying the pact is null and void and giving me your blessing?”

“Only on three conditions.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“One: if me and her are arguing, you have to pick my side over hers.”

“Not a chance.”

“For fuck’s sake, Connor.”

“Niki, I will always pick her. She is the beginning and the end for me. I still love you, though.” I open my arms for a hug, and he shoves me away.

“Fine. Two: if I tell you any secrets, you can’t share them with her.”

“Nope. If she asks me directly, I’m sharing everything.”

“Connor!”

He grabs a stress ball from his pocket and throws it at my head. I manage to duck, and the squidgy lobster sails past. A colourful friendship bracelet falls out of his pocket, and we both stare at it.

I reach for it, and he yanks it away and returns it to his pocket. “What was that about?”

“I can’t tell you now because you’ll tell her.”

He’s got me there. “Fine, but we’ll get it out of you. What’s the third condition?”

“You don’t kiss in front of me.”

I laugh so hard that I’m bent double. That gets me a punch in the arm.

“Ouch!”

“You deserved it. You broke the pact.”

“Whatever. But I’m going to kiss your sister whenever I can.”

“La la la,” Niki shouts, trying to put his hands in his ears while holding his can. “If you ever hurt her, I will rip your intestines out and strangle you with them.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, I’ve been working on how I’d hurt you since I saw you kissing her. And yes, you get my blessing, you arsehole. Not that you need it, because she doesn’t need protecting, according to some jackass who’s a fool in love.”

I grin as I square him with my stare. “Senna is the strongest member of your messed up and amazing family. She never needed your protection. All she needed was for you and your dad to believe in her and let her run things her way. Let me tell you the plan.”