Page 20

CHAPTER 20

Connor

I close my eyes and wince before swallowing the lump that’s lodged in my throat. It’s like having tonsilitis and eating a chunk of bread. It won’t go down, no matter how often I swallow.

But she needs to know. She deserves to know.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay,” Senna says, pulling off her gloves. She walks away, but I’m behind her instantly, yanking off my gloves.

I turn her to face me. I choke at the redness of her eyes. I take her hand and lead her to the edge of the room. I lay down paper to protect our clothes and pull her to the floor to sit propped against a wall. Goosebumps cover my skin from her body against mine, but I don’t let go. As we sit side by side, I smooth my thumb over her skin.

I turn the music off, and we sit in silence.

“I will explain.” I count to five as I breathe in and to five again as I let it out. “Just give me a second.” I continue to smooth her hand with my thumb.

She nudges my knee with hers. “It’s going to be okay, Connor.”

I furrow my brow. “That day, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was trying to protect you.”

“From who?” she whispers, as if an invisible enemy can hear us.

“The other lads.”

“Oh.”

I look at her beneath my dark eyelashes. Her face stills. I snag air with a deep breath.

“I was trying to stop a particular group of drivers from hurting you. They’d planned to get in front of you and brake, making you total your car and scare you into never driving again.”

She trembles, and I don’t let go.

“Why?” It’s more like a gasp than a word.

“Because no one wants to be beaten by a girl – well, not no one. Me and Niki always grumbled when you won, but it’s always better to be beaten by the best, and you were. But those bastards hated you. It sounds ridiculous. Niki and I were the oldest ones racing in that championship. I was looking to move to Formula Two, but secretly didn’t want to go because I wanted to protect you.”

She turns to face me. Her eyes are wide. I want to cup her cheek and assure her it doesn’t matter, but she needs to know.

“The boys in that group talked shit about you. You know how hard it was to be a female racer. You told us about it whenever we talked about our crap days.” I give a hollow chuckle at the memory. “But it was worse than you knew.”

She gulps air, but I continue. “Every second Niki and I spent with them when you weren’t around, they told sexist jokes and made misogynistic comments. They were in a gang, egging each other on to be the worst versions of themselves. We tried talking to officials about it, but they said it was the heat of competition. One guy said, ‘All’s fair in racing,’ but it wasn’t. Not for you.”

“My dad said the same. It was like a racing mantra. And it was a different time. There were no women bosses, barely any women racing, and few high up in race control. We still had grid girls.”

She’s so animated, her shoulders tight, and she gesticulates with her spare hand.

“But that doesn’t make it okay.” She’s fought harder than every racer out there trying to give other women a chance, not that she’ll admit that.

“I know. We still don’t have a woman driver in Formula One, but I hope to change that one day if I keep my job.” She settles back down against the wall. “Why did they hurt me that day?”

I thumb her hand as I talk. “They’d talk about doing it every race, but with Niki and me protecting you, they never got close. A lot of it was talk. Not that it makes it forgivable.”

She grunts in agreement.

“But that day, Niki couldn’t race because he was ill.” The night before, I’d watched her sleep next to me through a movie and wanted to kiss her. I was happy Niki wasn’t with us then, but everything would have been different if he’d raced that day. “I overheard them talking about how it was their chance because I couldn’t protect you alone, especially as I needed to win that race for my future. Lapoire was scouting me, and I believed that signing with them would help my family. I tried to protect you anyway and keep everyone at bay.”

She leans against my shoulder. Her hair brushes my chin. Every word is essential, but I want to stay like this, keeping my secret and stopping her from hearing the truth. I close my eyes and run my finger against the scar. She shivers.

“They said on the twelfth lap, on Gutter Corner, the driver in front of you, Slater, would slow so it held you up and another one would sneak up the inside, push you wide, and it would slam you into the tyre barrier.”

She gasps. “I could have been seriously injured.”

“You were, and it was my fault.” I drop my head. “Knowing what was happening, I tried to keep you on a tighter line as we came up to the corner so you weren’t behind Slater, but instead of saving you, I oversteered and nudged you. You careered into the wall, crashing and smashing your hand. You never raced again. It was all my fault.”

Bile rises in my throat as I wait for her to walk away, but instead, she cups my face between her hands, lifting it. I stare into her hazel eyes, expecting to see them tight as colour flares through them, but instead, she blinks softly. They’re deep hazel brown.

“You were trying to save me,” she says.

“But—”

“No, Connor,” she says firmer. “Those bastards could have seriously hurt me, and you tried to save me. It went horribly wrong, but that wasn’t your fault. I remember you tried speaking to me before the start of the race, but I was too busy smack-talking. Did you try to tell my dad or an official?”

I close my eyes and nod. “Both.”

“Look at me,” she demands, and I do. Tears sit in the corner of her eyes. “You did everything possible and then had to get involved yourself. It was the only thing left for you to do, and it backfired. Instead of listening to you, I believed the same lads who’d taunted me. When they said you’d hurt me to win and be signed, and then you were signed, I thought the worst of you. My trauma was no excuse. I knew you. I should have trusted you.”

A tear trickles down her cheek.

My face drops at the memory of when I attempted to speak to her at her house. “You thought you’d never race again. You were grieving because everything you’d planned for your life was ripped from you. It’s understandable. I should have come to you at the hospital, but I was scared, and your dad told me I wasn’t allowed. I only came to the house that time because Niki told me he could sneak me in. I had minutes to explain what happened. I still should have apologised instead of blaming others.”

She pulls her hands away from my face and tucks herself into me. Her orange blossom scent teases my nose. “We made mistakes. I hate how I treated you. You were my best friend, my…” I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t. “I should have let you speak. I’m sorry, Connor. I’m so sorry.”

I wrap my arm around her and hold her close.

“I’m sorry, too, Coults.” Her body is warm against mine. The concrete floor makes my butt sore, but I won’t move. “I should have tried again, but your dad told me never to go near you again, and I was scared that he’d find a way to stop Niki from being my friend. Dad left, and I couldn’t lose Niki, either.”

“Connor, I told you I hated your guts and that you were dead to me.”

“I remember.” I shake my head. “But it wasn’t just that. From then I vowed to be the best so that my dad saw what he’d lost out on. Trying to be back in your world just made me feel so guilty that, in the end, I chose Niki and being a success over you when, instead, I should have apologised and made things right. I owe you, not just for the accident, but for how I’ve acted since.”

“You don’t owe me anything. I’m sorry that my dad treated you like that. I had no idea. It was no coincidence that Niki signed you as soon as he wasn’t in charge. You were—you are—the best driver, and yet Dad never wanted you on our family team.”

“He told me once that I was an exceptional driver, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think he liked how a poor kid was so close to his darlings.”

She bangs her fist on the floor. “How ironic that the man who tells me to be more professional is ruled by his prejudices.”

I drop my head to her shoulder. I want to kiss her forehead and tell her it’s all okay, but that won’t help. “Your dad stopped funding me after the crash, but thankfully, I was signed to Lapoire. Everything was happening for me, but I lost you.”

“You didn’t lose me. We just took a timeout,” she says with a half-smile.

“So you’re not going to fire me again, even after hearing that story?”

She chuckles, and it makes my heart flush. “I wouldn’t dare—well, not for that reason. I make no promises for any other reason. So that’s everything?”

Everything but that I fell in love with you at eighteen, the driver who planned to knock you off was Antoine, and your brother is desperate for me to protect you.

“Yeah, that’s all of it,” I reply as she stretches her legs and waggles them.

“Pins and needles,” she explains. “I’d best get back. I have a few things to sort out before I go home.”

I resist the temptation to hold her close and stop her from ever walking away from me again. “I should probably get home and rest.”

“Good plan. Catch you later.” She stands and shakes her body out. She stares at me from above, and for a heartbeat, I imagine asking her if I can sit with her while she works or if she wants to get coffee. But I’m not that guy to her and never will be.

“Bye then,” I say with false cheer as her long legs carry her away.