Page 26

CHAPTER 26

Connor

The last race before the summer break in one of my favourite cities.

Although I don’t love driving like I used to, I adore returning here. I had my first win at the Hungarian Grand Prix, and even though many of the stands are filled with fans of Vessa’s number-one driver, blue and red British flags wave for me. Ralf is here, too. We chatted on the phone this morning. Between him and calls with the sports psychologist, I’ve reduced some of the things I do before I race. I want to do them, and intrusive thoughts tell me I’ll crash if I don’t, but I’m practising mindfulness.

I breathe in and centre myself as I prepare to get in the car. The other drivers wear headphones, playing pre-race songs to get themselves fired up. I’ve not got one. I’ve spent hours searching for one, but nothing hits me right. Too many songs remind me of Niki, and then I remember his crash, and I’m back to square one.

I close my eyes and attempt calm, but I get flashes of Senna. I can’t forget that kiss. I’ve tried. I ensure she gets her dinners, and hang out with Jimmy in case she leaves her office. I can’t get enough of her laugh. I smile at her and stare at her eyes and lips and…

Fuck. I need to focus. This race counts.

I lick my lips and remember the taste of her cranberry cocktail. She jump-started my senses that night in the bar—her scent, her taste, and the softness of her thigh… I shake my head. That kiss was better than anything I’d ever imagined, and I’ve had a lot of kisses. I’ve enjoyed a lot of women and had them screaming my name. But that kiss was the one that deleted all the others from my memories.

“Time to get going,” Silas says, and I climb into the car. I’m not as focused as I need to be.

Macca says, “This is your race, Connor, but watch out for Valetini on the first corner. He’s gunning for you. And ignore Antoine.”

But I can’t ignore him. I’m starting ahead of him, and he hates it. Since we nearly came to blows, he’s threatened me multiple times. I don’t care what he says to me, but his promises of hurting Senna are the other reason I’ve hung outside her office.

I want to get on the podium again as a fuck you to him. And I want Senna’s praise before she heads off to Australia to be with that bloody vet for the summer break.

I struggle to concentrate as I drive my formation lap, warming my tyres and preparing to race.

“Focus,” Macca says through my radio.

I can’t, though. I squint and clench my teeth. I don’t want to drive anymore, but I need to for Senna. I need to protect her and?—

The lights turn green, and I go. All my thoughts fall away, and as much as I hate driving, it’s like I’m in the right space to do something great.

“Watch yourself, Connor,” Macca snaps through the radio.

I raise my voice. “He’s getting too close.” Antoine has been behind me for a lap. He can’t get around me, not that he’s trying. He slides behind me as if nudging me. “He’s trying to make me crash.”

There’s no code word for this. Other teams can hear us. They’re probably laughing at Senna’s mismanagement of her drivers, which makes me want to bare my teeth and scream. Antoine is risking so much for a vendetta.

“His race engineer and Senna are talking to him,” Macca comments. But it doesn’t matter. He’s been enabled by his dad and Senna’s dad for too long.

We’re entering a DRS, Drag Reduction System, zone on a straight, which means he could attempt to overtake. I want to fight Antoine and stop him, but letting him overtake is the safest option. He’ll probably crash as soon as he passes me, anyway.

“I’m going to let him pass. It’s best for the team,” I say. If I’m protecting the team, then I’m protecting Senna. I need to do that for her.

“No.” Senna’s voice fills my ears. “You can’t let him believe this is acceptable. He’ll do it again.”

I want to tell her not to go to Australia. With everything going on, that shouldn’t be my thought.

I grit my teeth. We’re two laps from the end of the race. “Okay. I’ll hold him off.”

“Good.” The tension in her one word has me gripping the steering wheel tighter.

My stomach lurches as I take the next corner. I’m flying at speeds across this track. Everything I hate about racing is shoved in my face. If I could, I’d leave it today. I used to love the adrenaline and the pressure to be the best, but I’m only racing for her now. I want this team to succeed for her.

I need to be around Senna every second. It’s not to protect her; it’s because I still love her. It’s a different love than before. It’s the love of an adult. I’ve fallen hard, but I can’t do anything about it. I’d be complicating her life and her future.

I remember Ralf’s wedding. I should be focusing, but all I can see is Senna in a beautiful floor-length pink dress, her blond hair in some intricate do, with the pink flower tucked behind her ear. Her softness and tears as Ralf married the man he loved. I only wanted her, and nothing else made sense, including racing and screwing around.

We’re on the last lap now, but Antoine continues pressuring me, getting so close I pull to the side.

This is it for him now. It must be as clear to him as it is to me. He was already on his last warning; Jimmy heard her tell him after Silverstone. But this will mean he’s out of the team. I need to survive for the rest of this lap, and then he’ll be gone. I don’t doubt for a second that Senna will fire him. She makes the decisions her dad was always too scared of.

I turn into the second-to-last corner that loops behind the garage, and suddenly, he’s beside me. He’s too close. I’m running out of space. I’m driving too fast to do anything. I hope I can squeeze through. Macca shouts, but it’s nothing compared to the rush of panic flooding my ears.

His car is so close. At this speed, a crash is inevitable. The guy might kill me. There’s a wall to my side and him on the other. I jerk the wheel away, but he still hits me. Suddenly, it’s like I’m in slow motion, and my car is in the air. I’m flying closer to a wall and death. I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable. As I pray for a swift death, my last thought is Senna and never telling her how I felt.