Page 52 of Semper Fi

P ink, red, and orange reflected off the scattered streaks of cloud as the sun disappeared beyond the waves. Cal inhaled the salty air. The troop ship cut through the sea cleanly.

Wiping sleep from his eyes, Jim joined Cal at the railing. Cal nudged him. “You almost missed the sunset.”

Jim was still groggy, but he returned the smile. “Guess I needed that nap.”

“Guess so. That’s the whole point of sending us home, right? We need all the rest we can get.”

Cal tried to ignore the worry nagging him. Even though the battle for Okinawa was over and they’d been rotated home, Jim wasn’t back to normal. Not that Cal knew what normal was now. They were all utterly exhausted and shell shocked. Haunted by the things they wished they could forget.

But Jim slept day and night, refusing to come ashore when they were given leave in Hawaii.

Cal had hoped Jim would begin to come around as they left the fear of having to invade Japan—and the carnage that would mean—behind.

But Jim rarely roused himself from his rack.

He hardly shaved and only wanted to sleep.

When he did, he often screamed and whimpered from nightmares, lashing out blindly when Cal shook him awake .

Jim stared at the sea. “Do you think we’ll have to come back?”

“God, I hope not. With the war over in Europe, the Japs have to know they can’t win. Not with all the Allied forces turning their attention to the Pacific.”

Jim’s voice was flat. “I don’t think they’ll ever surrender.”

Cal gave him another nudge. “Come on, let’s get some grub. Just think, before too long we’ll see California on that horizon. We can’t worry about what’ll come down the road. It’ll come either way.”

Jim nodded, and they headed down to the mess hall and got into line. They’d just picked up their trays when the loudspeaker crackled.

“Attention. This is the captain.”

The chattering ceased as the men froze. Cal prayed fervently that it would be good news.

“On the sixth of August, American forces dropped an atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima. The destruction and loss of life has been great. We await further news and will pass it on when it comes through. At ease.”

The speakers went silent, and the men stared at each other for several stunned moments. Then a murmur swelled.

Jim shook his head. “My God. The atomic bomb.”

“If this doesn’t make them surrender, I don’t know what will,” Cal said. “Must be a lot of civilians dead, hitting a city.” He shuddered. Yet to his shame, the greatest emotion he felt bubbling to the surface was relief.

As the days went on and they neared the States, the men could talk of little else but the possible surrender and an end to the war. The thought that they might really be going home for good was almost too much. Cal was afraid to get his hopes too high.

At least it roused something in Jim, and he was more alert than he’d been in a long time. Cal stayed close to him, the relief warring with the profound sense of loss he already felt.

One morning, Cal leaned against the ship’s rail, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Of course he’d always known Jim would go back to his wife and child. To his life. It was as it should be. Yet the dawning reality of it as they neared the mainland choked Cal a little more with each passing mile.

Even if they remained friends, they’d never have the closeness they’d shared at war. The closeness Cal had allowed under his skin, burrowing so deep that he felt its loss already. The idea of returning to Manhattan, knowing Jim was only a few hours away was unbearable.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

Cal smiled, jumping slightly as Jim leaned next to him. “Sorry. You’ll need at least a dollar to capture everything going on up here.” He tapped his head.

“I think I can afford it. Maybe fifty cents.”

It felt like so long since Jim had laughed and joked, and Cal fought the urge to throw his arms around him. “You can give me a down payment.”

Jim gazed out. “Almost there. I feel like…” He paused. “Like we crossed an imaginary line, and as we get closer to home the air is easier to breathe. It’s silly.”

“It’s not. I feel it too. The surrender has to be coming. It has to be.”

“If it’s not…we can’t go back there, Cal. I can’t.”

Cal leaned closer. “We won’t. You’ll be home with your little girl before you know it.”

Jim closed his eyes for a moment. “I just want to hold her again. Lord, I want that.” He breathed deeply and smiled. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. You’ll have to come visit once we’re back. We’re not that far from the city.”

“I will. Of course.” But in his heart, Cal knew it was a lie.

They woke on the morning of August fifteenth to another announcement. In their bunks, the men blinked awake, instantly alert. Cal imagined the whole ship held its breath, with even the engines going quiet.

“On August ninth, we dropped a second atomic bomb on Japan. Today, Emperor Hirohito issued Japan’s unconditional surrender to the Allied forces.”

After a moment of stunned silence, shouts of joy echoed throughout the ship, drowning out the captain’s remaining address.

Cal leaped from his bunk, Jim meeting him halfway as they embraced tightly.

All around them, men whooped and hollered, hugging and slapping each other’s backs in a chaos of celebration.

A few men wept, and their buddies comforted them.

Cal held onto Jim for longer than he should have, but Jim didn’t pull away.

When they prepared to dock the next day, packing up their sea bags for the last time, Cal reached into the bottom of his and pulled out a slender box about six inches long. He cleared his throat. “Hey, Jim. Here’s a little something.”

Jim blinked. “Huh?” He took the box with a puzzled smile. When he saw the gold watch nestled inside, his jaw dropped. “But… Cal .” He lifted the watch carefully. “When did you get this?”

Cal shrugged. “Picked it up in Hawaii. You’re always complaining about your watch not keeping good time. It’s nothing.”

“Nothing? It’s gold! It must have cost a fortune.”

Cal waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, I got a great deal.”

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t have a gift for you.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything. I just thought you might like it.”

“We still have a long train ride home, you know. You’re not getting rid of me just yet.”

“I know. Just a little something to remember me by. Wanted to give it to you before I forgot.” He picked up his sea bag and went through the motions of stowing his gear while he spied Jim from the corner of his eye.

After turning the watch over, Jim traced his fingertip over the engraving on the back. Cal knew what it said, of course. He’d kept it simple.

C.C.

J.B.

194 8

As Jim put the children to bed, Cal re-dried the dishes he and Sophie had left in the rack. Listening to the low murmur of Jim’s voice as he read a bedtime story, Cal swiped the cloth uselessly over one plate and then another.

When Jim returned downstairs, their gaze locked, and without discussion they grabbed their jackets and headed outside. Cal expected to stop by the paddock, but Jim walked on. Cal followed, staying quiet as they made their way past the cider house and down into the orchard.

Among the trees, Jim stopped. Finnigan was barking again in the distance, and Cal shifted from foot to foot. He blurted, “I’m sorry.”

Jim frowned. “What could you be sorry for?”

“For not telling you about Ann and Eddie. I had my suspicions.”

“I didn’t.” Jim laughed hollowly. “Isn’t that ridiculous?”

“She was your wife. You loved her.”

“I did. She was…” Jim’s voice broke, and he paused. “She was a kind soul, and I could never love her the way she deserved. Is it strange to be glad to discover your wife had a lover while you were off at war?”

“Not in this case. Maybe you’ll stop hating yourself. Take her down off that pedestal.” Cal raised his hands. “I’m not saying she was a bad woman. But she wasn’t perfect, and her death wasn’t your fault. We all do the best we can.”

“When she was pregnant with Adam, I could barely bring myself to look at her. As her stomach grew, every time I saw her I thought of Okinawa. Of that night.” Jim’s breath stuttered.

“I shut myself away from her. Even after Adam was born. We slept in the same bed, but we were strangers. I cringed away from her whenever she reached out.”

“The war left you broken. Left us all broken in our own ways.”

“Lord, Cal. I struck her. I didn’t mean to. I was still asleep. But I did it all the same. She should have left then. She’d still be alive.”

Cal stepped closer, yearning to touch. “There’s no way to know what might have been.”

Jim went on, his eyes unfocused. “It must have been plain as day, Ann and Eddie. But I didn’t see it.

I didn’t see a lot of things. I wouldn’t allow it.

All these feelings I tried to hide, even from myself.

I couldn’t see myself clearly, let alone anyone else.

” He looked at Cal. “You must think I’m such a fool. ”

“I’d never think that. Never. ”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” The branches waved gently in the breeze, dappling the moonlight over Jim’s face. “You’ve always loved me for who I am, good and bad.”

Cal took a shaky breath. “I always will.”

“And I haven’t loved you well enough at all.” Jim raised his hand when Cal would have interrupted. “I hope you’ll let me make up for it. I hope you’ll stay. Because I love you and I don’t ever want you to leave again.”

As relief and joy coursed through him, Cal laughed. He took Jim’s face in his hands and kissed him soundly. “Say that again.”

Jim chuckled unsteadily, his voice thick with tears. “Which part?”

“All of it.”

Then Cal was kissing him, and they wrapped their arms around each other. Cal inhaled Jim deeply, licking into his mouth and holding him close. He would have climbed into his skin if he could.

Jim pressed kisses to Cal’s cheeks, forehead, chin, and nose. “I love you,” he murmured. “I love you.”