Page 50 of Semper Fi

Jim opened his eyes again to find Gambler shaking him roughly.

“Snap out of it! Please! I can’t do this by myself.”

The fear in Gambler’s voice penetrated the fog in Jim’s mind, and he focused on what Gambler wanted him to do—set up the gun.

He’d done it a million times, even blindfolded back in training, and Jim readied the mortar as the world continued exploding around him.

When he was finished, he closed his eyes again.

Then someone was slapping his cheek, and he blinked to find Cal a few inches away, holding Jim’s face in his palms. Jim tried to make out what he was saying.

“Don’t leave me now, Jim. It’s going to be okay. We just have to get through this ambush. We’re pinned down. Are you hearing me? Jim!”

Jim hated seeing Cal upset, and the haze began to dissipate. He had to do his job. His buddies were counting on him. Cal was counting on him. “I’m here.”

Cal uncovered the ammo while Jim peeked out from behind the boulder to aim. All he could see were several ramshackle huts, but the Japs had to be on the other side. Movement caught his eye, and he squinted. Cal was about to drop in the shell, but Jim grabbed his wrist. “Wait.”

The woman staggered into view from behind a hut, her belly heavily swollen. Jim heard Cal shout, “Hold your fire!”

Enemy machine gun fire and artillery still came, and the woman wept, shaking her head as she stumbled toward them in the darkness. Jim inched to the edge of the boulder, crouched and ready to move. The poor woman didn’t belong here. He had to help her.

Cal’s fingers were tight on Jim’s shoulder. “Jim, stay right here.”

“Good God, she’s pregnant. The Japs may not care, but we should!”

They watched as she came closer, shaking her head rhythmically, a sob ripping from her throat.

“No,” Cal said sharply. “Something’s wrong.”

Jim moved before he knew what he was doing. He needed to save her. He couldn’t fail this woman the way he’d failed Sully. He slipped in the muck, staying low and lurching forward. He was reaching for her, getting closer, closer—

Strong hands dragged him back, hauling him through the mud.

Cal yelled, “Stop!”

Jim thrashed, kicking and scrabbling at Cal’s grip. “We have to—”

Hot gore exploded over them as a blast tore the night. Jim choked on charred flesh, certain it was his own, or Cal’s. He screamed, and tasted blood.

Then there were hands pulling him through the mud, and he blinked the singed mess from his eyes. He screamed, “Cal!” The hoarse voice at his ear was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

“I’ve got you.”

They reached the relative safety of the boulder. Cal was covered in blood and guts, and Jim grabbed at Cal’s arms and legs, making sure he was whole. Jim miraculously had all his limbs, too, but—God! The woman! He had to go back.

He tried to scramble around the boulder again, but Cal held him down. “Bastards strapped her with explosives. It’s over.”

Jim could do nothing but spit the metal of her blood from his mouth, too much of it already swallowed deep inside him. He thought of the terror and sorrow in her eyes, and Sully’s empty sockets.

And he knew it would never be over.

1948

Beside Jim, Cal tensed. “Eddie? The Eddie who used to work here?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s a day for unexpected arrivals.” Jim put a spring in his step and met Eddie by the paddock fence.

After an awkward beat, Eddie extended his hand. “Jim. How are you?” He smiled tightly, the dimples in his cheeks barely making an appearance.

“Just fine. Thank you.” Jim took Eddie’s hand. “This is Cal Cunningham.”

The two men shook, and Cal smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes. He asked, “What brings you back to Clover Grove?”

“I know harvest is almost here,” Eddie said. “I thought I’d see if you could use the help. I’m visiting my folks in town.”

Jim wanted to say that it was too little, too late for Eddie’s help now, but he pushed the unkind thought away. “How are your parents?”

“They’re good. How are Sophie and Adam?”

As if on cue, Sophie’s voice rang out, and she burst from the house with Adam at her heels. “Eddie!”

A genuine smile lit up Eddie’s face. “There’s my girl!” He lifted Sophie into a big hug.

Resentment flared in Jim. It was completely irrational and unfair—he should be glad Sophie was seeing her friend again. Cal squeezed his elbow for a fleeting moment, and Jim inhaled deeply. Of course Cal understood without him needing to say a word.

Eddie placed Sophie back on the ground and bent to hug Adam. “ Look at how much you’ve grown! Both of you.”

“I’m a big boy now,” Adam said.

“He’s a goober,” Sophie added.

Laughing, Eddie ruffled Adam’s light curls and straightened. To Jim, he said, “I can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday I saw them last.”

“It was almost a year ago,” Cal noted. “Kids grow. It’s what they do.”

His tone was jovial, but Jim could sense the surprising hostility beneath it.

Eddie nodded. “True enough. Jim, the place looks great.” He laughed incredulously. “Is that a cider house?”

“It is. Cal’s co-owner of the orchard now, and we’re expanding the business. Making hard cider,” Jim said. “I’m afraid we’re all hired up for the harvest, though.”

Eddie’s smile was tight again. “I figured you might be. I wanted to stop by anyway and say hi. I guess I should let you get back to it.”

“But you just got here!” Sophie grabbed Eddie’s hand. “You have to stay for a little while at least! I’m making shepherd’s pie for dinner. Mrs. O’Brien taught me.”

Eddie smiled. “That sounds delicious, Soph. If it’s okay with your dad I’d love to stay.”

“Of course.” Jim smiled, too, although he had to force it. He wasn’t sure why he was so unsettled by Eddie’s sudden reappearance. “We have some work to do, though.”

With a furrow in her forehead, Sophie looked back and forth between Eddie and Jim. “That’s okay. Eddie can play with us. Oh! You should see the dollhouse Uncle Cal made me! Come on!” She tugged on him impatiently, and off they went.

Cal laughed darkly. “Too bad you didn’t go to church today. I could have run him off before you got back.”

Since it was Sunday, the pickers had the day off, but Jim hadn’t felt like dressing up and going into town.

It wasn’t the first service he’d skipped lately, although he knew he should take Sophie and Adam.

But listening to the minister talk about living a Godly life filled Jim with confusion and shame.

He needed to get his head on straight before he returned to church.

“I’m sorry to say I wouldn’t have minded if you had. Seeing him again like this, it’s…I don’t know.” Jim scrubbed a hand through his hair. “It’s strange, is all. I should be glad he’s all right, given the way he disappeared.”

Cal snorted. “You don’t owe him anything, Jim.”

“Why do you say that? I know he left suddenly, but he was a big help to Ann and my father while I was gone. And when I got back. He was a good worker. That’s what made him taking off like that so upsetting.”

Cal plucked a blade of grass and rolled it between his fingers. “I just don’t like him.” He glanced up. “You didn’t seem too happy to see him either.”

“All right, I’m not. It’s silly, really.”

“What? Tell me.”

Jim put his hands on the fence and watched Mabel graze, her tail flicking rhythmically.

“When I got back, it was…difficult. Sophie didn’t know me.

She was so little when I left. When I came home, she was six.

I was a stranger, and it was Eddie she knew.

At first she clung to him. How could I blame her? ”

“But it still hurt.”

Jim sighed. “It did. But I was so messed up then. The nightmares were terrible. Poor Ann didn’t know what to do.”

“Sophie told me you had a nightmare recently.”

His pulse spiking, Jim took this in. “She told you that?”

“Don’t look so guilty. It’s not your fault.” Cal reached out.

Jim sidestepped. “Of course it’s my fault. I shouldn’t still be having nightmares. Lord, it’s been years.”

Cal grabbed Jim’s hand. “ It’s not your fault. ”

“How can you say that? You were there, and you’re fine. What’s wrong with me?” He pulled free and began pacing .

“Fine? None of us are fine, Jim. Some of us just hide it better.”

“I’m weak. I’ve always been weak.”

“Weak?” Cal exhaled sharply. “I don’t ever want you to talk that way. Feel that way. I know you think you failed them somehow. Sully and Davis. That woman.”

Jim squeezed his eyes shut as the memories reared up. “I should have saved them.”

Cal’s hands were gentle as they rubbed up and down Jim’s arms. “You couldn’t save everyone. None of us could.”

Thoughts of Sully and the nameless woman flowed into memories of Ann, and of that other terrible night. Jim pushed them away, wishing he could erase them from his mind forever. He opened his eyes and focused on what Cal was saying.

“We all came home with scars. We do our best every day to go on with our lives and put it behind us. That’s what you’re doing. Your best. It’s all we can do.”

Cal was right, of course. Jim knew it, but he couldn’t help the shame and powerlessness that still lived deep within. He wanted to fall into Cal’s arms and lose himself in the warmth and strength.

Sophie’s laughter rang out in the distance, and Cal’s hands fell away. Jim felt bereft, and he watched Mabel munch. There was so much he wanted to say to Cal, but he needed to gather his thoughts. He had to say it right.

“Let’s do some work and get through today. Once Eddie’s gone, we can talk.”

Cal’s eyebrows raised. “About everything?”

“Everything.”

***

The stars were bright as Jim and Eddie wandered near the paddock.

Cal had volunteered to help Sophie clean up, and Jim knew he had to go ahead and get it over with.

He didn’t even know what it was, this strange string of tension wavering between him and Eddie.

He hadn’t held a grudge when Eddie left, or he hadn’t thought so, at least.