Page 18 of Semper Fi

In fact, he didn’t meet Cal’s eyes all through dinner. Cal felt invisible as Jim laughed with Sophie and Adam and tried to act like everything was normal. Cal had let him run off the second time, not wanting to push, and now his best friend couldn’t even look at him.

After dinner, Jim took the children up to bed. Cal stood at the sink washing the dishes, acid burning his stomach despite the meal he’d just choked down. His mind spun, trying to make sense of it all. He still couldn’t quite believe it had happened.

When he’d felt Jim’s lips against his, Cal had thought he was dreaming. But no, Jim had really kissed him. And when Cal chased him down, Jim had kissed him back, and he’d been unmistakably hard. They’d both wanted each other until Jim tore himself away.

He’s been celibate for months on end. Any man would be desperate.

Had Cal taken advantage of that? Guilt gnawed at him. Perhaps he’d misconstrued an innocent display of affection. Yes, Jim had kissed him back, but he’d been through so much. He wasn’t himself.

Cal had been light-headed with joy as Jim’s tongue met his—as Jim had returned his kisses the way Cal always dreamed he would. But he should have known better. Jim wasn’t queer. He was lonely.

The dishes were drying in the rack, and Jim still hadn’t returned. Cal paced across the linoleum. They needed to clear the air, and he couldn’t do that if Jim avoided him. But he’d never known Jim to be a coward, so Cal went outside and waited by the paddock, taking long drags from a cigarette.

He was on his third when Jim finally appeared. Cal ground the cigarette out with his boot. Jim stopped a few feet away, his gaze focused somewhere in the distance, and Cal cleared his throat. “Sophie was really worried when you didn’t come back on time.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Thanks for taking care of them.”

He shrugged. “Of course.” For the first time since the night they’d met on that train to South Carolina, Cal didn’t know what to say to Jim. He took a deep breath and broke the uncomfortable silence. “I know you didn’t want…what happened.”

Jim’s brow furrowed, his gaze still on the muddy grass. “It was my fault. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. You didn’t want that either. We’re just…bottled up.”

“True enough.” Cal had been bottling up his desire for Jim for years.

“We both made a mistake. It was wrong. That kind of thing is…”

Stomach churning again, Cal finished for him. “Unnatural? Sinful? Disgusting?”

“Yes.” Jim nodded jerkily. “Exactly.”

Cal forced the words from his dry throat. “Not to me.”

“What?” Jim blinked, finally meeting Cal’s gaze. “Of course it is.”

“No. It’s not. It’s completely natural to me. It always has been.” Cal shrugged. “Always will be.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

“I’m queer, Jim.”

“Of course you’re not. That’s ridiculous.” Jim tried to smile, failing miserably. “Is this a joke?”

“No.”

“Cal…”

Cal flicked his lighter open and shut, punctuating his terse words. “I’m a homo. A faggot, a queer, a poof, a cocksucker. I should have told you a long time ago, but…”

Silence settled over them again. Cal lit another cigarette, his fingers shaking. Jim simply stared at him, lips parted as he appeared to try to think of a response. He started to say something, but then shook his head.

Finally he said, “But you’ve been with so many women. You would tell us about them. Eva Thorngood when you were sixteen.”

Cal had to laugh. “I can’t believe you remember her name.”

Jim barreled on. “And there was that girl in Melbourne. What was her name? Amanda? You ran off every day with her for a couple of months.”

“ His name was Adrian. And it was Michael Thorngood in the library. Eva’s husband. The rest of it was true.”

“Lord. That was…a man did those things? But you were still a boy. He took advantage of you. Mixed you up—”

“No, Jim. He didn’t. He didn’t do anything I didn’t want. He didn’t make me this way. If anyone did, it was your God.”

“No. You’re confused.”

Cal inhaled smoke and held it in his lungs until they burned. He blew it out slowly. “I’ve never felt that way about women. It just isn’t in me.”

Jim took this in. “Have you ever been with a woman?”

“Kissed a few girls in junior high.”

“But you’ve never…” He made a vague motion with his hand .

“No, Jim, I’ve never fucked a woman. I don’t need to do that to know I’m queer.

Believe me, I’ve been through this all from top to bottom.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me until I found out there were other men like me.

Men who want each other the same way other men want women.

You’d be surprised how many of us are out there, hiding in plain sight. ”

“Have you been to a doctor? Maybe there’s something they could do.”

Cal crushed his cigarette into the earth. “I’m not sick. I don’t need a doctor.”

“I just want to help you.”

Then love me back. “Stop looking at me like I just told you I’m an ax murderer.”

Jim blinked. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. What to say.”

“If you want me to leave, I’ll understand.”

“No!” Jim lowered his voice. “I don’t want you to go. What happened was a misunderstanding. We’ll just forget about it.”

“All right.” Cal could live with it as long as Jim was still his friend. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing that.

From the direction of the house, Sophie’s voice rang out. “Daddy? Adam wet the bed. The sheets are up too high in the closet. I can’t reach them.”

Jim called, “I’m coming!” He turned to Cal. “It’s fine. We’ll just go back to normal.” His smile was strained, and then he hurried away.

Cal put another cigarette between his lips. Normal. Whatever that meant.

***

As he drove the gleaming Cadillac along Tivoli’s main street, Cal felt rather conspicuous.

He should have taken Jim’s truck, but considering he was escaping the tense atmosphere at the orchard, he hadn’t wanted to ask.

When he’d told Jim he was going into town, Jim had kept his eyes on the sprinkler head he was repairing and asked Cal to pick up some bread with false cheer in his voice.

Cal parked by the curb in front of the general store. He’d barely stepped out of the car when a lively voice called his name. He stifled a sigh and turned to find Rebecca Graham waving from across the street. He waved back and put on a smile as she walked over.

“Hi, Rebecca.”

She brushed a strand of golden hair from her forehead as the breeze picked up. “What a nice surprise! What brings you to Tivoli?”

“Just picking up a few things.” Cal jerked his thumb behind him at the store. “What about you?”

“I don’t think I mentioned it when we met before, but I’m Dr. O’Brien’s secretary. I’m taking my break. I was on my way to have a cup of coffee. Care to join me?”

A litany of excuses rattled through Cal’s head, each sounding more pathetic than the last. He didn’t want to lead her on, but being rude wasn’t an attractive option either. “It would be my pleasure.”

Her green eyes brightened. “Wonderful! There’s a little coffee shop just down the street.”

Rebecca led the way, chattering as they went. “How’s your head? I heard what happened, you poor thing. Guess you don’t have much call for milking cows in New York City.”

“No, not much. I’m all healed, thankfully.” Cal opened the café door for Rebecca. “I’m told I have a very hard head.”

An older woman served them coffee at a small round table by the window. In the middle of a Thursday afternoon, the café was quiet, with the only other customers being a pair of old men engrossed in a game of chess.

Rebecca stirred a spoonful of sugar into her cup. “It’s a good thing Dr. O’Brien wasn’t too far away when it happened.”

“It was indeed.” Cal cast about for something to say. He was usually much better at small talk. “Do you like working for him?”

“Oh yes. He’s a wonderful doctor, and he doesn’t give me much trouble except with his handwriting, which is absolutely atrocious. But I’ve learned to decipher the code over the years.”

“How long have you been his secretary?”

“For…gosh, I guess it’s seven years now.” She took a sip of coffee, her gaze faraway. “I thought he’d be my father-in-law.” Shaking her head, she smiled sadly. “But life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned.”

“It sure doesn’t. I can attest to that.”

“Do you like it at Clover Grove? It’s a beautiful place.”

“It is. I like it a lot.” Except for the fact that Jim won’t even look at me now. “Have you been there often?”

“Before the war, Stephen and I used to visit some weekends. So long ago now. When Jim was overseas, I’d stay with Ann sometimes and we’d talk and talk long after we should have been in bed. But I haven’t been out since she passed away.” Her expression tightened.

“I’m sorry. Were you very close?”

“Oh yes. I miss her very much.”

“What was she like?” Cal couldn’t resist asking.

Rebecca pondered it for a moment, affection clear on her face.

“She was a dreamer. I remember when I first met her, I never thought she’d stick around here for long.

She had big plans, Ann Shelton. But then she fell for Jim, and it all changed.

You know how it is, when you meet that special someone and everything else goes out the window.

” Her smile faded and she sipped her coffee.

“Is that how it was when you met Stephen?”

She nodded. “He was the one. I’ve tried to meet someone else. But after the war, there just aren’t too many young men left.” Lifting her hand to her mouth, she gasped softly. “What an awful, selfish thing to say! Please forgive me.”

“No need.” Cal smiled encouragingly, deciding he liked Rebecca Graham. “Have you considered leaving Tivoli? I bet I know a dozen guys in the city who would love to meet you.” She was pretty and smart with a nice figure, and it was the truth .

A faint blush made her cheeks rosy. “That’s very kind of you to say. But even if there were, my mother’s not in good health. She relies on me for everything, and I could never leave her alone.”

“I understand. That’s very good of you, to care for her.”

Rebecca shrugged. “It’s just what people do, isn’t it?”

Cal thought briefly of his parents and the army of servants catering to their every whim. “It’s what some people do. Good people like you.” A thought occurred. “Did you ever go out with Eddie?”

Rebecca went very still, and something flickered across her face. “Eddie?”

“I’m not sure what his last name is, but he worked at the orchard. He was unattached, wasn’t he?”

“Of course he was!” She poured another spoonful of sugar into her cup, the metal clinking as she stirred. “But no, Eddie and I never dated.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Tell me about New York City. What’s it like to live there?”

The seed of suspicion that had been quietly cultivating in Cal’s mind bloomed. “Too bad Eddie wasn’t your type. What was he like?” Cal asked, ignoring Rebecca’s question.

She stirred in another spoonful of sugar. “We didn’t spend much time together. He was a hard worker.”

“Ann must have spent a lot of time with him.”

“Ann?” Rebecca laughed too loudly. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, I know from experience that you don’t get many visitors to Clover Grove, so you see quite a bit of the people who live there. It was just Jim’s father, Ann, Eddie, and Sophie for a couple of years, right?”

“It was. But Eddie kept to himself, and Ann was so busy with Sophie.”

“Why do you think he left the way he did? So suddenly after Ann’s accident?”

Rebecca’s gaze skittered away as she shrugged. “Who knows? I think he’d been planning to leave for a while.”

“Really? That’s interesting. Jim didn’t know anything about that. It came as a complete surprise to him.”

At this, she sighed. “Did it?”

“It did.”

Painting a smile back on her face, Rebecca finished her coffee. “I’d love to visit the orchard one day. I know that Jim…well, I get the feeling Jim doesn’t like me very much. Never really has.”

Cal decided to let his questions about Eddie go for the moment. “Of course he likes you.”

“Whenever I talk to him these days, it seems like he can’t get away fast enough. But I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be prattling on like this to you. This is probably why he doesn’t like me. The prattling.”

“It’s not you. He’s just having a hard time lately. What with…everything.”

“Of course.” Her eyes glistened. “I honestly just want to help. I love those children, and I know how much work they are. I’d be happy to come by sometime and entertain them for a few hours. I know Stephen’s mother helps out, but many hands make light work, as my mama always said.”

“I’m sure Jim would appreciate that. I’ll suggest it to him.”

“Thank you, Cal.” She glanced at her wristwatch. “Goodness, I’d better skedaddle.” She opened her handbag.

“No, no, it’s on me.” Cal quickly pulled a couple of coins from his pocket and slid them onto the table. “Let me walk you back.”

As they neared the doctor’s office, Rebecca slowed. “It was really nice chatting with you, Cal. When I’m not working I’m usually home with Mama, so I don’t get the chance to just talk with a friend too often. I hope that’s not overstepping the boundaries, to call you a friend.”

Smiling, Cal replied, “Not at all,” and meant it.