Page 20 of Semper Fi

Sex was just a biological imperative that was largely awkward and provided only fleeting moments of pleasure and release. He needed that release now, and should just let friction take its course.

Unbidden, images of Cal flashed through Jim’s mind, and his hips arched up as he spread his legs wider with his knees bent.

He dug his heels into the mattress as he stroked himself faster, biting his lip.

He told himself not to think of his friend—that it was sick and wrong .

Kissing Cal had been a mistake and he was simply confused.

But now the vestiges of his dream clung stubbornly, so real in his mind.

Cal’s strong, glistening body in the moonlight.

The pressure of his lips on Jim’s, and his tongue in Jim’s mouth.

It should have repelled him, but want and need urged him on as he jerked himself faster and harder, hips lifting, moans low in his throat.

He imagined it was still Cal he touched—Cal’s thick heat against his palm.

Shaking, legs splayed, Jim came over his hand, splattering his pajama top. The intensity of the pleasure stunned him, leaving confusion and growing horror in its wake. As his seed dried, the disgrace settled in, and he crept to the bathroom to scrub himself clean.

***

Birds chirped overhead, soaring through the clear blue sky. On a ladder, Jim examined the flowering buds. Soon the orchard would be resplendent with white blooms. “The trees don’t seem any worse for wear after that snow last week.”

“That’s good.” Cal squatted at the base of the tree, yanking on the weeds already sprouting up.

“Yeah.”

Jim winced internally at their stilted conversation.

Where in the past the words—and silences—had always come so easily, now everything was strained.

Every time he looked at Cal, he felt a rush of heat, his skin prickling.

It was madness. He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

He’d never felt such a keen desire for anyone, not even Ann.

Especially not Ann.

Banishing the thoughts with a mental shake, Jim climbed down and moved to the next tree, giving it a careful inspection. But again and again, his mind returned to Cal, like a magnet to steel.

He still couldn’t believe that Cal was…what he was.

Jim didn’t even like to think the word. How was it possible?

Cal had been his best friend for six years, and Jim hadn’t known.

And now that he did know, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Couldn’t stop…wanting. Wanting things that were against God and nature.

He’d even considered whether the sickness was contagious, but that seemed a ridiculous notion.

No, surely with the stress of losing Ann and caring for the children, Jim was simply overwrought.

Finding out that Cal was a homosexual had put notions in his head that his subconscious didn’t understand. Soon everything would be normal again.

But I kissed him first. And I liked it.

With a mutter, Jim pulled his knife from his belt. There was a stray branch they’d missed during pruning, and he hacked into the wood. It wavered but didn’t fall. Gritting his teeth, Jim swung wildly at it, and the blade sliced into his left hand below his thumb. “Damn it!”

“What happened? You okay?”

Jim hopped down from the ladder, hissing as he yanked out the tail of his plaid shirt to wrap around the wound. “It’s fine.”

Cal came closer. “Here, let me see.”

“It’s fine,” he repeated.

“If it’s fine, then let me see.” Cal took hold of Jim’s arm.

With a burst of fury, Jim shoved him away. Cal stumbled onto the ground on his rear end and stared at him. Breathing hard, Jim got a hold of himself. “I’m sorry. It just…hurts. But it’s fine.” Jim turned away, pacing a few steps here and there. He should help Cal up, but he was afraid to touch him.

For a minute, Cal didn’t say a thing. Then he slowly got to his feet, sighing. From the corner of his eye, Jim could see Cal hold something out.

“Here. Wrap this around it.”

Jim took the handkerchief. “Thanks. Look, I…” He wished he knew how to explain.

“It’s all right, Jim.” Cal sounded so tired. “I understand.”

The blood flow slowed, and Jim wrapped the cloth around his hand. “It’s just a nick.” He tried to laugh. “I was being a big baby, that’s all.”

“This isn’t going to work.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat. “No, it’s fine.” He lifted his hand. “See? Won’t even need any stitches.”

Cal didn’t say anything for a few moments. When he spoke, it was with a terrible sense of defeat that made Jim’s blood run cold.

“I can’t stay here.”

Jim croaked, “What?”

“We both know it. Hell, the kids know it. Things aren’t right between us anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” He peered intently at his hand, fiddling with the handkerchief. “Everything’s fine. It’ll be fine.”

“You can’t even look at me. You barely have since last week. It’s best for everyone if I go.”

“It was just a misunderstanding!” Sweat broke out on Jim’s forehead. Cal couldn’t leave. If he did, Jim knew with a strange certainty that he’d never see him again. Panic coiled inside him. “I don’t want you to go.”

Cal took a deep breath. “The thing is…I wasn’t honest with you. What happened last week didn’t happen just because I’m queer.”

“What do you mean?” Jim’s skin prickled.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time. Feels like forever now. Since boot camp. Hell, since the night we met.”

Jim swallowed thickly. There was a buzzing in his ears. “I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t.” Cal’s dark eyes were kind, his expression ineffably sad. “I always knew you’d never feel the same way. I know it now, no matter how much I want to deny it.”

“You’re my best friend.” Jim’s voice was reedy. His chest was tight, and his stomach had formed a solid knot.

“I never wanted this to happen. I never told you how I felt because I knew it would ruin everything. But it’s already ruined.

” Cal shook his head. “After the war, I made sure to stay away. I thought it would help. I fooled myself into thinking it had, but the minute I came here—the minute I saw you again—I knew I still wanted you just as much. Maybe more.”

The words were molasses on Jim’s thick tongue. “You…want me? Me? ”

Cal nodded as he wrapped his arms around himself. “That’s why I have to go. I know you don’t feel the same. That you think it’s wrong, what I am. Who I am. And I understand. But that’s why I can’t stay.” He squared his shoulders. “I’ll go pack my things.” Then he was walking away.

Jim’s head spun. His skin felt too tight, and he trembled.

The way Cal was talking, it sounded as if Cal’s feelings were about more than physical acts.

That he cared for Jim the way men and women did for each other.

Was it possible? Jim knew there were homosexuals in the world but had thought it was only about base desires. Could it be more?

When Jim was able to make his feet move, Cal was out of sight over the next rise. Jim called his name, racing through the orchard. Ahead, he glimpsed Cal disappearing into the house, and he sped up, arms pumping as he ran faster. Cal couldn’t leave. Not like this.

In the house he shouted Cal’s name, thankful it was market day and Mrs. O’Brien and Adam had gone into town with Mrs. Turner from the next farm. Cal didn’t answer, and Jim took the stairs two at a time before bursting into the guest room. Cal’s room.

Cal’s suitcase was open on the bed, and he didn’t look up from where he folded his shirts. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you find someone to replace me.”

At those words, the panic and fear subsided like a wave receding from shore, and Jim could only stare, his chest heaving. Scattered pieces snapped into place in his mind—snatches of memory and images.

Cal’s smile as he passed him the bottle on the train.

The warmth of his breath on Jim’s neck as they huddled together during the cold, miserable nights.

Cal’s arm around Jim’s shoulders too many times to count.

His body protecting Jim as fire and death rained down.

Always there. Strong and steadfast.

Jim took a shuddering breath. “I could never replace you.” In that moment, he saw things for how they really were. How they’d always been. He spoke that truth aloud for the first time. “I want you too.”

Cal gaped. Finally he shook his head. “You don’t mean it.” He scooped up his clothes and tossed them in the suitcase, barely latching it shut before he brushed by Jim out the door. Jim made a grab for his arm, but Cal shook him off and pounded down the stairs, running now.

Jim gave chase. Outside, Cal slammed the door of his Cadillac, revving the engine. Not knowing what else to do, Jim stood in front of it, blocking the way since the car was backed up to the house. “Stop.”

Muttering, Cal swore, his voice muffled inside the car. He shouted, “Move, Jim. You can’t do this to me.”

Frustration lanced through Jim, and he didn’t budge. “You can’t say those things and then leave. You can’t just run away.”

“Yes, I can!” Cal gripped the steering wheel. “It’s finished. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t mean any of it.”

“Don’t tell me what I mean.” His heart thumped, and he smacked the Cadillac’s hood with his palm. “I know what I’m saying. I want you.”

Cal kicked open the door and stalked around the front of the car, keeping out of arm’s reach. “No. Don’t say that just to make me stay.”

“I dream about you,” Jim blurted, his breath shallow. “About…being with you. I can’t stop thinking about it. About what it would be like.”

Mouth opening and closing, Cal blinked. “Is that true?” His voice was soft, his question ending with a hopeful lilt.

“That’s why I haven’t been able to look at you since we…” He swallowed hard. “Since we kissed. Since I kissed you. It’s not because I think badly of you. I could never. You have to know that.”

Cal was very still. When he spoke, it was only a whisper. “Do you really mean it?”

“Yes.” Jim moved toward him slowly, one foot in front of the other. He stopped a few inches away, his heart beating double-time. He reached for Cal. “I don’t understand why I feel this way, but I do. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Please don’t go.”

With a rush of breath and hands, they clutched each other, mouths together, kissing desperately.

They were outside in broad daylight, but Jim couldn’t stop.

The dam burst, and they stumbled to the grass, Jim pressing his thigh between Cal’s.

Cal arched up, gripping Jim’s ass as their tongues met and stroked.

They were both hard in their jeans, and Jim wanted desperately to feel the heat of Cal’s skin against his own.

But they were too far gone already, panting and rocking against each other, kissing with a need that Jim could hardly believe he’d kept tamped down.

He realized the low grunts and moans filling the air were his, and Cal muttered against Jim’s lips.

“Want you so much. God, Jim. God. ”

The handkerchief tore free from Jim’s hand as he scrabbled at Cal’s shirt, unable to undo the buttons.

Finally he just tugged it up and gripped Cal’s bare waist as they rutted together, his blunt nails digging into Cal’s skin.

The pressure in Jim’s balls intensified, his cock almost painfully hard as they clutched each other, mouths open as they gasped.

With a shout, Cal bucked up, head thrown back as he came. Jim was so close, and he buried his face in Cal’s neck as he thrust against him, inhaling the scent of Cal’s sweat. It was salty on his tongue as Cal wrapped his legs around Jim’s, locking him in.

He held Jim’s face in his hands and their eyes met. “Come for me.”

With a final push, the ecstasy overtook Jim as he pulsed with his release, crying out. Nothing had ever felt so good in his life, and they still had all their clothes on. He sank over Cal, boneless, pressing his face to Cal’s salty neck again.

Cal caressed Jim’s hair softly. “It’s always been you.”

Lifting his head, Jim stared down at him. No words would come.

Cal froze, his fingers tight in Jim’s hair. “Don’t run this time. Promise me.”

Nodding, Jim rested his head against Cal’s chest, listening to the steady thump-thump-thump as Cal wrapped his arms around him.

He was finished running.