Page 34 of Semper Fi

“Do you really think it would hurt her? Or Adam? That we feel this way for each other?”

Jim scrubbed a hand through his hair. “It’s wrong, Cal. Despite what you say, deep down you know it.”

“No. I don’t.” Cal clenched his jaw. “No preacher will ever convince me. No one will.”

“What about the police? It’s a crime , the things we’ve done. We could go to prison. My God, think of the shame it would bring to our families.”

“We’re not hurting anyone. There have been men like us since the dawn of time. The law just needs to catch up. People need to catch up.”

“That’s never going to happen. We’d spend our lives living in the shadows.”

Cal took a step forward, beseeching. “But we’d be together . It wouldn’t be perfect, but we could make it work.”

“What about the children? Think of how confusing it would be for them. I can only pray that Sophie didn’t understand what she saw—that the fever means she won’t remember. How could she ever understand? How could I ever explain it? I still can’t explain it to myself.”

Cal’s shoulders drooped. “I don’t have the answers. All I know is that I’ve never been so happy as I have been here with you. With Sophie and Adam. All of us together. And I know you feel the same way. I know it.”

Jim took a deep breath and blew it out. “It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the world. We’ve been dreaming, Cal. Fooling ourselves. I let myself get swept up. I’ve been selfish, and it has to stop. My children have to come first.”

“I would never want to hurt them. I’ll miss them more than I ever thought I could.”

Panic flapped in Jim’s chest. “But you don’t have to leave. We could just go back to how it was before.”

Cal smiled sadly. “We can’t, and you know it.” He closed the distance between them, but stopped a foot away. “If it has to end, then I have to leave. I know you need help here, but school’s out, and maybe some of the older boys will want work.”

Jim clenched his hands, fighting the urge to reach out. “We’ve done most of the hard jobs now. The crop is growing, and I hire people for harvest. I’ll ask a few to start early. It’ll be fine. We’ll get by.”

“If you need anything—money, or anything else, just call. You have a phone now, after all.” Cal’s tone was teasing, but his eyes glistened.

Jim’s throat was painfully dry. “I owe you so much. My life.” Cal opened his mouth to say something, but Jim barreled on.

“Not just on Okinawa. Here. You helped me see clearly for the first time. For so long I couldn’t— wouldn’t —admit my feelings.

My…desires. They’re wrong, but at least I know them. ”

Cal stepped closer. He was only inches away now. “I just want you to be happy.”

Jim swallowed thickly. “I have to do the right thing.”

Nodding, Cal moved away, but Jim reached for him, catching his lips in a fierce kiss. They pressed their mouths together as they gripped each other with fingers that would leave bruises. After several heartbeats, Cal broke the kiss and pushed away, stepping back out of Jim’s arms.

“Adam will wake up soon. You’d better get back. I’ll finish with Mabel and get packed. It shouldn’t take long.”

The panic returned, and Jim felt as if he was choking on it. “You don’t have to leave right away!” He cleared his throat. “Sophie’s sick, and we have to break it to her gently. Give her time. At least a day or two.”

It seemed as though Cal would argue, but after a moment, he relented. “All right. I’ll go tomorrow.” He forced a tight smile. “You’d better get back. I’ll finish up the chores.”

Jim shoved everything else he wanted to say way down deep and left the barn. This was the way it had to be. He repeated the words like a mantra as he went to check on the children.

***

Cal stood at the kitchen sink with the water running. He was dressed in his city clothes—slacks and a nice shirt, although when he turned Jim saw he wasn’t wearing a tie. Jim wanted to press him back against the counter, kiss him senseless, and tear off those fancy clothes.

After turning off the tap, Cal put his coffee cup on the counter. “I should be going.”

“Right.” Now that the moment had come, Jim couldn’t believe it would end like this. That Cal was going to walk out of the house, get in his car, and drive back to the city. That it would simply be over.

“It’s for the best.” Cal recited the words hollowly.

Jim nodded. “For the best.” If he took only a few steps, they could be in each other’s arms, yet it felt like miles separated them rather than several feet of scuffed linoleum. He cleared his throat. “She won’t come down.”

“It’s okay. I understand. Tell her goodbye for me.”

Jim could hear Adam outside, playing with Mrs. O’Brien. He took a step. “Cal…”

“Let’s not make this any harder.” Cal rubbed his face, looking as if he’d slept as little as Jim had. “There’s nothing else to say.”

All night, Jim had paced his room, his hand on the doorknob a hundred times to go to Cal.

Then he remembered Sophie standing at the foot of the bed, lost and confused, and the shame burned him from the inside out.

No. He had to get control of his desires.

Should never have given in to them in the first place.

Yet watching Cal now, his hair slicked back the way it had been that night on the train to Parris Island, Jim didn’t care what the Bible or the law said.

The urge to touch was overwhelming. He wanted to crush Cal to him and kiss until they couldn’t breathe.

The sin was locked in his heart, pumping through his veins.

But he remained rooted to the spot, and no words escaped his lips. With eyes down, Cal brushed by him, and Jim reached out too late. His fingers only grasped air.

Outside, Cal kissed Mrs. O’Brien’s cheek and hugged Adam tightly. He lifted his suitcase into the trunk of the Cadillac, and it was really happening. He was leaving.

As Jim approached, Cal extended his hand. “I’ll see you.”

God, would he see Cal again? His head swimming, Jim took Cal’s hand, trying to ignore the flare that ignited his body. He had to believe this wasn’t the last time. “Thank you for everything.”

Their eyes locked, and Cal gripped his hand. Jim wanted more than anything to kiss him again. Just one more time. Instead he could only squeeze back.

“No!” Sophie’s face was red, and her hands were balled into fists as she stormed out of the house in her nightgown. “You can’t go!” Her eyes shone, and she dodged out of Jim’s reach, leveling Cal with a furious glare.

“Sweetie, we explained to you last night why Cal has to leave.” Jim reached for her again, but she squirmed away and crossed her arms over her chest .

“Sophie, I really wish I didn’t have to leave, but my father needs my help in the city. I’d give anything to be able to stay, but…sometimes things just don’t work out the way we’d like. I’ll send you presents every month,” Cal said.

“I don’t want your stupid presents! I want you to stay!”

“ Sophie. That’s enough. Uncle Cal has to leave. Now say goodbye nicely.”

Mrs. O’Brien had Adam in her arms, and she gave Jim a sympathetic look before addressing Sophie. “I’m sure Uncle Cal will come back and visit, darling.”

Tears slipping down her cheeks, Sophie backed away. “I don’t want him to visit! I hate him.” She screamed at Cal, “I hate you!” Turning tail, she raced into the house. The screen door slammed behind her, bouncing off the wooden frame.

Before Jim could say a word, Cal had the car door open. “You’d better go after her.”

There was so much Jim wanted to tell him, but it was too late now as the Cadillac purred to life. Cal disappeared around the bend in the driveway, leaving only a faint cloud of dust in his wake.