Page 46 of Semper Fi
She laughed and brushed away a strand of hair that had slipped free of her bun.
“Why not me? It may not look like it now, but I was young once.” Her face took on a wistful expression.
“Oh, the trouble I’d get up to as a girl in the old country.
Paddy McFarrell used to brew a wicked poitín out in his granddaddy’s barn on the sheep farm.
You’ve never had moonshine until you’ve had Irish moonshine. ”
“You were young. All kids get up to that kind of trouble. It’s not the same. It’s not against the word of God.”
“Don’t kid yourself. We were breaking commandments left and right.”
Jim struggled to find the right words. “These feelings I have…I shouldn’t have them. They aren’t right.”
“Have you seen Trevor Turner lately?”
Jim blinked at the abrupt change in subject. “I don’t think so.”
“I saw him last week at the market with his parents and his new wife. She’s pregnant with their first.”
“Oh. I’ve been so busy here I haven’t been paying attention to the neighbors. Uh, I’m glad to hear it.”
“Are you? I wasn’t, you see. Do you know what I thought, when I saw them all?
Joan and Lewis, and Trevor and his new bride?
I thought, I wish that was me. Me and Gerald, with Stephen and poor dear Rebecca.
I hated that it wasn’t. I stood there in that marketplace with a smile on my face, and the feeling in my heart was sheer jealousy.
Hateful jealousy and a bitterness that I don’t think will ever truly leave me as long as I live. ”
Jim tried to think of what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Why them? Why are they the lucky ones? Why didn’t my son come home? Why is he in the ground across the sea with a million other boys like him while Trevor Turner gets to live? Why should Joan’s son return without a scratch while Stephen was blown to bits? It isn’t fair, Jim. It isn’t fair.”
“I know.” Tears gathered in his eyes.
She rubbed a hand over her face. “It’s a terrible thought, isn’t it? To be jealous of my friends’ happiness? To begrudge them their son and their future grandchildren? To want them to share my loss? It’s cruel, and the very meaning of sinful.”
“No.” Jim shook his head emphatically. “It isn’t. It’s human. We’ve all felt things like that. No one would ever judge you for it. ”
She reached for Jim’s hands. “So why should anyone judge you for your thoughts? For your feelings? Feelings of love , not resentment and anger. Yes, some would judge you, but to the devil with them. Don’t ever hate yourself for loving.”
Jim had to swallow hard over the lump in his throat. “It’s not that easy. I wish it was.”
“What worth having is ever easy? Not much in my experience. Does he make you happy?”
Jim nodded. “But—”
“But nothing! I’ve watched you grow into a fine young man. You were always a good friend to my Stephen. He never got the chance to have his own family, and I’ll be damned if I watch you throw away your happiness. The people we love are what matters in this life, Jim Bennett.”
“What about the children?” Jim clung to Mrs. O’Brien’s weathered hands, her wedding band digging into his finger. “Don’t they deserve a mother?”
“They had a mother, Jim. Ann was a good soul, but she’s gone. Nothing will bring her back.”
“I could remarry. Sophie needs a mother. She needs a woman to guide her.”
“What am I, chopped liver? I’ll be around until you get sick of me and tell me to shove off.”
Jim had to laugh. “I would never do that.”
“Besides, it’s not in you to marry some poor girl knowing you’ll never really love her. Is it?”
Thinking of Rebecca, Jim sighed. “No.”
“Cal’s a good man. He’s mad about you, that’s for certain.”
Jim’s stomach flip-flopped foolishly. “You think so?”
“For God’s sake. Of course! Came rushing back here when you needed him, didn’t he? He’d do anything for you and those children.”
“But what would we tell Sophie and Adam? No one could know. Can you imagine what people would do if they found out? We’d go to prison. I’d lose my children. ”
She sighed. “Yes, I’m afraid this will have to be your secret. You and Cal must be very careful if you decide it’s worth the risk.”
“I don’t want to live a lie.”
She squeezed his fingers. “Either way you have to lie. Be happy with Cal and lie to the world or find another woman and lie to her. Or be alone and miserable, lying to yourself. I wish it didn’t have to be so. You have a difficult choice to make, and whatever you decide, I’ll be here.”
Nodding, Jim took a shaky breath.
She pressed a kiss to his cheek and let go of his hands. “Now you’d better go talk to Cal, and I should make sure Adam is still napping and not burning down the house.”
As she walked away, Jim blurted, “I don’t really remember my mother.”
Mrs. O’Brien turned back, her lips pressed together.
“But you always made the best cookies and kissed my knee when I scraped it falling off the handlebars of Stephen’s bike. I haven’t thanked you enough for…all of it. Everything.”
“No need for thanks.”
“I can’t imagine a finer mother than you’ve been to me.”
Tears shimmering in her eyes, Mrs. O’Brien returned and threw her arms around him. She was warm and smelled faintly of cinnamon, and Jim clung to her.
“Thank you. Thank you,” he repeated.
She kissed his cheek again. “Go on now.”
When Jim returned to the cider house, Cal was dressed and pacing back and forth, looking for all the world like a man awaiting the executioner. Before Jim could reach for him, Cal spoke.
“I’ll go. We can talk on the phone about business if we need to, but I’m sure you’ll have it all under control.”
Jim blinked. “Is that what you want?”
“God, of course not.”
“Mrs. O’Brien said…” Jim’s mind still spun like he’d been riding the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair.
“Look, people might think it’s wrong, but that doesn’t mean we have to listen to them. ”
“She doesn’t.” He could still hardly believe it.
“She doesn’t what?” Cal hesitated. “She doesn’t think it’s wrong?”
“No. She said you and I should be happy together.”
Cal’s eyebrows shot up, and he grinned. “She’s a hell of a woman.”
“She’ll keep our secret.” It felt strange saying the words aloud.
Someone had found out, and the world hadn’t ended.
Jim wanted to give in to the elation, but worry still churned his gut.
“But others won’t. We can’t expect this from everyone.
It’s still illegal. Sophie and Adam, they…
” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
Cal’s smile faded. “I know. We were reckless. I’m sorry.”
Jim ran a hand through his mussed hair. Mrs. O’Brien’s words of encouragement warred with the voice telling him to put an end to it now once and for all. “I don’t know what to do, Cal.”
“Neither do I.” He smiled softly. “I wish I did. I wish there was some magic solution to all of this. But there isn’t. I’m supposed to leave today anyway. I’ll come back in a week. We can think about everything while I’m gone.”
Jim nodded, even though he ached to beg Cal to stay. Was this how it would be between them forever? Furtive encounters followed by separations with neither of them ever truly happy?
“If it had been someone else, this could have ended very differently. I’m sorry I let things get out of control.”
Jim had to smile at that. “As I recall, you weren’t acting alone.”
“I suppose not.” Cal glanced at the press. “Well, it’s up and running now. Let me know if there are any problems and I can talk to my cousin.”
“Okay. Sure.”
They stared at each other. Then Jim squared his shoulders and turned away. As they walked back to the house, Cal fell into step with him, easy like always. Jim missed him already and knew that nothing about their situation had really changed.
Yet he couldn’t stop the hope from blooming.