Page 44 of Running Risk

RYLEE: THEN

“I’m starting to think school isn’t for me,” I say, sitting in the sand next to Ray.

“You can’t leave me now. You only have one year left until we walk across that stage to get our diplomas.” His finger draws shapes in the sand between his legs.

“I don’t enjoy it anymore. It’s not what I want to do.” I lean back on my hands, extending my legs out in front of me as I watch people run the stretch of the beach. I haven’t been running as much as I used to, but it’s still a part of my weekly routine.

“Do you want to go back home?”

I shake my head. “No.” My eyes begin to scan the faces of all the men running.

It’s been a habit that I’ve done ever since I moved here, like my body feels him close somehow, but I don’t know how that would be possible.

Last time my mom told me, he got deployed somewhere, and that was when I told her I couldn’t get updates anymore.

I started having more panic attacks because I was constantly thinking something happened to him.

I need to move on with my life, but here I am . . .

“It would help if you showed me a picture of him, so I could at least help you search.”

I elbow him in the ribs. “How’s Carol?” I ask about his date last night.

He shakes his head aggressively. “Bleh. She was gross.”

I laugh. He always finds something wrong with each date he goes out on. I swear he’s purposefully sabotaging them. “What happened with this one?”

“She kept coughing like something was in her throat, then blowing her nose in the napkin.” His face scrunches in disgust.

“What if she was sick? She can’t help it.” I block the sun from my eyes as they land on a group of men with buzz cuts. My heart rate accelerates like every time I think I find men in the military.

“Then she should have called off the date. Not putting her snot napkin on the table—” he continues talking.

My brain shuts him out and is only focusing on the men. There are two that look like they could be Clayton. Ray continues to talk next to me as I get to my feet, slowly walking closer to the men.

“Rylee?” Ray says in the background.

I’m ten feet away, and now there’s only one man who has his back toward me.

The way he holds himself and the color of his hair are almost identical to Clay's. What if it’s him?

The other men notice me with puzzled looks on their faces.

They nod toward me, and the man in front of me, with the same height as Clay but stronger than I remember, begins to turn around.

It feels like my heart stops in my chest, and I can’t remember how to breathe.

As the man turns, the sun blazes right in my eyes, blocking my view.

Putting my hand up to shield my eyes, I gasp, and all the oxygen leaves my body as the man before me looks so much like Clayton, but it’s not him.

This man has a different nose, and his eyes are blue, not the deep brown I grew to love.

“Can I help you?” the man’s deep voice says.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought you were someone else.” I shake my head and turn around, storm toward my bag next to Ray, and yank it onto my shoulder. “I need to get out of here.”

He nods. “I’ll come with you.”

I shake my head. “No, I need to be alone.” I jog toward my car, hearing Ray call my name in the distance. Once I’m at my car, I pull out my keys, but they fall from my fingers. Ray’s hand grabs them from the ground.

“When is he going to stop being the only thing you want to see?” he asks as he hands me my keys.

My eyebrows furrow. “What?”

He exhales like he’s frustrated with me. “Rylee, I’m right here. Why don’t you see me?”

My jaw drops. What is he saying right now? “What are you talking about?”

Ray has been my best friend for the last three years, and it took me a long time to realize I have a new best friend. But he is that for me, especially when I hang with him every single day.

“I’ve been waiting for you. Waiting for you to get over him and see that I’m right here. I’m not off in the military, and I’ve never left you.” He grabs my hand, and I flinch because the contact isn’t comforting.

There have been a few times when I’ve liked someone touching me, but none of them have happened in California. None of them were with anyone but Clayton or my parents.

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head.

His shoulders slump. “I know.” He shakes his head. “I need some space for a while.”

My heart drops hearing those words. “So you’re leaving me too?” my voice cracks, thinking of the last time someone disappeared from my life .

“Don’t do that. It’s not fair.” He walks away, leaving me standing in the middle of the parking lot with tears rolling down my face.

No matter how long I watch as he fades into the distance, I think he will turn around, but I know he won’t.