Page 39 of Running Risk

CLAYTON: NOW

“What do you mean?” My eyes frantically scan her face, then I lean back, pulling out of her to scan her beautiful body for something wrong.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” The dread forming in the pit of my stomach is like no other.

I’d never be able to live with myself if I hurt her physically, especially during sex.

I thought everything was going great. God, feeling her orgasm was mindblowing.

She shakes her head. “No. It’s nothing like that.

” She bites her lip, making my brow furrow.

I move out of her way as she sits, and it’s like I can see the decision being made on her face as she blinks, then scans the room.

Standing, I watch her scramble off the bed and grab her clothes off the floor.

“What’s going on?” It’s almost comical. I’m standing here naked with a condom on my now less hardened penis, watching the girl I was in the middle of having sex with frantically pull on her clothes.

But I’m not laughing, and neither is she.

Something is seriously wrong, and I’m having a hard time figuring out what it is.

I lightly touch her shoulder, still not completely believing I didn’t hurt her. “Ry,” I say softly .

“I just—” She shakes her head, shimmying into her underwear. “This was a mistake.”

A deep line forms between my eyebrows as shame fills my body.

She doesn’t want me. I grab a tissue off my nightstand and pull the condom off, tossing both in the trash.

I walk across the room, grab my sweatpants, and jam my foot into each pant leg.

I rake my fingers through my hair and turn to see her completely dressed.

I go to say something, but snap my mouth closed before I can tell her something stupid.

I knew I wanted her more than she wants me, well, at least in a different way.

I’m willing to be with her in any way I can, but I thought she wanted me a little bit.

I never forced myself on her, just the thought makes my stomach queasy.

I pace around the room as she stands there quietly.

I don’t know what to say, and it doesn’t look like she’s going to say anything either.

None of this makes any sense. I stop in front of her. “What just happened?”

She shakes her head, her feet shuffling in her fuzzy socks. “Nothing.” Avoiding eye contact, she pulls on her boots.

I shake my head as if she slapped me. “What?”

“I’m sorry I stopped you right in the middle of—” Her eyes avoid my stare before her hand motions toward my crotch.

“I don’t give a damn about that,” I say, making her eyes widen, and I take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. “Talk to me.” I gently hold her shoulders, looking into her gorgeous blue eyes. Her lips are still swollen from my kissing her. How did we go from having sex to this?

She shrugs out of my grasp, shakes her head, and backs out of my room into the dark house. She bumps into the hall cabinet, and I flip on the light so she can see while I follow her out the front door. Once she gets to her truck, she spins around and points her finger at me. “This was casual.”

I stop in my tracks. “ I know.”

She turns back to her truck, opens it, then looks back at me. “We agreed. It was only benefits.” She huffs out a breath.

Her body is nearly shaking, and I’m completely confused about why she’s upset. Of course I didn’t want to be casual with her, but I agreed because that’s all she’d give me. I never asked for more. I take a step toward her, but she puts up her hand, stopping me.

She points toward my house behind me. “That wasn’t casual, Clay.”

“Okay?” I say, confusion clear in my tone.

She grunts. “Will you give me more than one-word replies right now?”

This girl. The girl who used to understand all of my nonverbal replies.

The girl who used to know when I needed someone close by for moral support.

The girl standing before me doesn’t know me anymore.

She only remembers who I used to be, but she can’t read me now because I’m not the same.

It’s been too long, and I want her to be in my life again.

“I’m having a hard time understanding what’s wrong.

” I continue to stand five feet from her, not daring to get closer and not wanting any more space between us.

“I just told you,” her voice raises.

Good thing I don’t have neighbors close by because we would be making a big scene, warranting an audience.

“Well, apparently I need you to spell it out for me.” I put my hands on my hips.

“This was casual,” she yells again.

“Yeah, you said that, and I agreed.”

“A guy doesn’t kiss you like that or look at you like that during sex if it’s casual.” Her hands ball up into fists.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know there was a manual on how to do this casual thing.” I motion back and forth between us. “ Please, share it with me so I know the rules of what I can and cannot do.”

“Don’t be a smart ass.”

“What am I missing here, Ry?” I put my arms out wide.

“I won’t let you break me again,” she yells, and I’m left speechless as my arms fall to my sides.

Break her? My heart pounds out of my chest. I would never want to hurt her, let alone break her. When I left, it had to do with me breaking because of my dad, and all I wanted was to prevent everyone around me from dealing with the ramifications of that, especially her.

“Jesus, Ry. Don’t you get it?” My voice elevates as I clutch my hair. “I had to go.” I watch the scowl spread across her face, and I’ve never been more frustrated in my life. Not when I got injured. Not when I found out that I couldn’t run again. This, right now, is it.

“No, you didn’t. You sure as fuck didn’t have to hide it from me.” She takes a step around her truck door.

“I was eighteen. Did I handle it well? No, but I wanted to avoid hurting you.”

She scoffs. “Yeah. A lot of good that did.” Crossing her arms across her chest, she glares at me.

Rylee is infuriating, and I don’t know how to get her to understand my point of view.

Back then, she pushed me away every time I tried to explain myself.

She wouldn’t listen. I know I deserved it, but I knew I was no good for her in the mental state I was in back then.

So instead of falling apart and taking her with me, I joined the Marines, got structure in my life, and a sense of purpose.

“You hurt me, Clay, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

I storm toward her and slam her door, making her flinch.

Grasping her jaw in my hand, I peer right into her eyes, only inches from my face.

“I never want to hurt you. You of all people should know that.” My other hand clings to her hip bone, pressing firmly with my fingertips. “I have only ever wanted you.”

A small gasp escapes her, making my eyes flick to her parted lips. I move one small fraction of an inch closer, and her body stiffens as she yells, “No! I can’t go there with you.” Shoving me away, she whirls around, flings her truck door open, and hops in, speeding down my driveway within seconds.