Page 34 of Running Risk

RYLEE: THEN

It hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s been a few weeks since I moved, starting at the University of Southern California, and months since Clayton left.

My heart physically hurts not being near him.

We did everything together. Every day, I find myself on the verge of texting or calling him when I realize I can’t anymore.

I have started writing a letter only to wad it up into a ball and throw it away, around twenty times.

I’m not even sure what I would have said to him at the airport.

I just wanted to at least say goodbye, but I miss my best friend.

It’s strange and lonely not having him, but not only that, it’s like I can’t be myself since part of me is gone.

The more time it’s been, the more I’ve been analyzing everything.

Clayton didn’t handle everything right, but I also didn’t give him a way out.

I just assumed it was what we were doing, and I don’t ever remember asking him if he was still on board with the plan.

I knew he was going through a hard time with his dad, but I didn’t even stop to consider that maybe he would change his mind for his future.

I’ve started a letter to him over and over again, but I can never get past the heading because, even though I can see how it was partly my fault, I’m still hurt.

He hasn’t tried to reach out to me either which only makes me think something has happened to him.

Stretching my hamstrings, then my quads, I pop in my earbuds, blare “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson, and run down the sidewalk toward the park.

Palm trees line the paths as the perfect weather greets me each day.

The sun blazes in the sky, but not without a gentle, cool breeze floating through the air.

It doesn’t matter how many people I pass, they all ignore me.

People here are only worried about what’s going on in their own little world, not the girl who feels like her life has crumbled.

It’s weird being in a place where I don’t know everyone I come in contact with.

Back home, I couldn’t run through town without multiple people stopping to greet me and ask about my parents.

Even running makes the tears come, but my therapist said it’s good to keep my body active.

I found a therapist as soon as I moved here because it was the one requirement my mom had when I said I was moving across the country.

She’s helped me through many breakdowns, but I’m not sure I’m on board with continuing the things I did with Clayton without him.

Even with therapy, I haven’t been able to fully move past the hurt that is still lingering under the surface.

The nightmares I get frequently aren’t helping.

I can’t shake the feeling of something happening to him.

Rounding my favorite tree to take a break, I gasp and crouch to catch my breath.

It takes forever to get back in shape after not running for weeks, but it takes no time at all to get out of shape.

Pulling out my phone, I open the Kindle app and get comfortable on the ground, leaning my back against the tree.

I put my earbuds away, and a gust of wind blows a few hairs out of my ponytail, whipping me in the face.

Tucking them behind my ear, I extend my legs, cross my ankles, and open my favorite book, Pride and Prejudice .

I let all the sounds of the park crash over me.

The birds sing in the trees. The squirrels jump from limb to limb as they play or fight over a nut.

The dogs bark in the distance. The warm sun tickles my skin, and I know if I keep doing this, I’ll have a nice tan.

I relax as the wind eases the hot sun's assault on my skin. I’m fully enveloped in the way Elizabeth bites off Darcy’s head for his half-ass proposal when someone clears their throat, startling me.

“I’m sorry. I thought you heard me walk up,” a man with a deep voice says, peering down at me.

Shielding the sun out of my eyes as I scrutinize him, the tall man has an athletic build and short brown hair.

He’s wearing swim trunks, a T-shirt, sandals, and a black backpack.

His smile sparkles above his chiseled chin as he appraises me in return.

“Oh, it’s fine, just enjoying my book.” I gesture to the phone in my hand. “Can I help you?”

He shifts on his feet. “Well, I’m Ray, and this is going to sound weird.” He chuckles to himself before looking around.

“Okay?” I sit up, giving him my full attention.

“Well, you see that’s my tree,” he says with all seriousness.

My eyebrows furrow. “Excuse me?” This guy has to be joking.

“Yeah. I know it’s weird, but I come here to study since my roommates are always partying. It’s the one place that is quiet.” He adjusts his backpack on his shoulders.

“There’s a place called a library,” I say sarcastically. “Usually, colleges build them for students to do research and to study.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he chuckles. “Yeah, I’m aware of those. They give me the creeps. Plus, I always feel like I have to turn the pages in my book quietly or close my book without a sound. I’m far too paranoid to get any studying done in an atmosphere like that. ”

“You’re serious?” I get to my feet when he nods. “You know this is giving off serious Gilmore Girls vibes.” I brush off my leggings. I get having a routine and wanting to keep it. This is a nice tree, and I wouldn’t want to impair his studying time.

“Yeah, I know. Believe me, the irony isn’t lost on me. My sister would love to hear me copying something from that show she made me watch with her.”

“At least the guy in the show got a twenty when he gave up the tree to Rory.” I get my AirPods out to turn on my music again for my run home.

“Well, at least let me buy you coffee.” He puts his hands up when I begin shaking my head. “No, I insist. You’re giving up a comfortable tree so I can study. I must repay you.”

“I don’t know.” I scan the park, at the people getting their steps in or walking their dogs.

There are even people in the field close by doing yoga.

I face the man in front of me. I want to accept, but I don’t know this guy.

However, my therapist told me I need to get out and start making friends.

This could be the start. He’s handsome and seems harmless, but apparently so do serial killers.

“How about this? I’ll leave the ball in your court. I’ll be at Cafe Dulce tomorrow morning at eleven.” He puts his backpack on the ground and takes a step closer. “I usually meet up with a few friends. If you join us, your coffee will be on me. Okay?”

Without realizing it, a smile pulls in the corners of my mouth, and I nod.