Page 55 of Ruining Hattie

BASTION

I should have seen it coming the moment Hattie mentioned the transplant, but I was too concerned with consoling her. She threw me for a loop, and it took me damn near a full minute to respond.

My first instinct was a hell no. Why would I risk my life with surgery to save someone who clearly never gave a shit about me?

But I know if I said no, there would be no Hattie and me.

Not because she was forcing me in any way, but because every time she looked at me, all she would see is the person who could have possibly saved her mother and didn’t.

No, Hattie told me that my answer had no bearing on our relationship and that she understood what she was asking. That it’s a personal decision and one only I could make. She promised that she wouldn’t hold it against me if I wasn’t willing. But I don’t see how that could be true.

I’ve thought a lot about it, whether I could actually do it or not if it came down to it, and the truth is, I don’t know.

There’s still so much rage deep inside me for Carla.

But then I look over my life, at some of the things I did with Trent, and it dawns on me that maybe I hold that same status in other people’s eyes.

That I’m the one who ruined them by interfering in their marriage after manipulating myself into a rich woman’s bed and blackmailing her, or working with Trent to clean out a couple’s life savings with one scam or another.

Maybe I shouldn’t be the one to throw stones. I have no right to be righteous.

And so, I’m back in Wisconsin and at the hospital to see my mother and have a conversation with her. A real conversation about everything that went down, for the first time ever.

I told Hattie it was what I needed to make my decision. She didn’t pressure me, just said she would be there to support me through it.

My palms are sweaty, and the collar of my shirt feels too tight as I step off the elevator with Hattie. As we make our way down the hall, she rubs my back, obviously picking up how difficult this is for me.

When we reach the room, Hattie stops and turns to me. “No matter what you decide, I’ll respect it. But please go in there with an open heart.” She places her palm on my chest. “So that you can heal.”

I say nothing, unconvinced my voice would work even if I wanted it to. My vocal cords feel as if they’re being squeezed in someone’s fist. Leaning in, I kiss her forehead, then I walk into the room.

Carla’s prone figure rests in the middle of the hospital bed, and Robert is at her side in a chair. She looks sicklier than the last time I saw her. They turn toward the doorway when we enter.

“Sweetie, you’re back,” Carla says to her daughter in a weak voice, then looks at me. “Bastion.” She gives me a tight-lipped, nervous smile.

I have no idea if she knows why I’m here. I didn’t bother asking Hattie. It doesn’t matter. This is a conversation that’s been needed since the moment I discovered Carla was alive.

Robert gets up out of his chair and hugs his daughter. When she goes to give her mom a hug in bed, his attention turns to me. I’m sure there’s lots he’d like to say to me, but instead he nods before turning his attention to the two women in his life.

I do the same and see that they’re both looking at me. Once again, the collar of my shirt feels like a noose around my neck.

Hattie turns to her father. “Dad, why don’t we get something to eat so that Mom and Bast can talk?”

Robert hesitates, looking at Carla. Hattie hooks her arm through his, and he starts out of the room, but not before giving me a look that reads, “Upset her, and you’ll have to deal with me.”

I can respect that. If roles were reversed, I’d do the same for Hattie.

The door closes behind me with a click that reverberates through my bones.

“Thank you for coming.”

I nod and shove my hands in my pockets, not moving any closer to the bed. Neither of us says anything for a long while. It’s as if there’s too much to say and neither of us is sure where to start.

“You can say whatever you want, Bastion. You don’t have to hold back just because I’m dying.” There’s grief in her eyes that I imagine matches my own. “Scream, shout, tell me how worthless I am to you, say it all. You deserve that at the very least.”

With a sigh, I approach her bedside and sit in the chair Robert vacated. “I don’t want to scream and yell at you. I did. For a long while, I did. But it won’t change anything, and I doubt it will make me feel better anyway. Not when it would hurt Hattie.”

“You love her.” There’s reverence in her voice.

I nod.

“She’s easy to love, isn’t she?” Carla gives me a watery smile.

“When did it start?” I clear my throat. “When did you start using? I only ever remember you like that.”

She cringes and closes her eyes for a moment.

“A couple years after you were born. I won’t make excuses, but it started with me wanting to forget what it had been like for me growing up.

My…” Carla draws in a deep breath as though the next part is hard for her to say.

“My father sexually abused me as a child. He was abusive toward my mother too. The memories would creep up, and I just wanted them to go away. I thought if they did, I could be a better mother to you. Obviously that plan didn’t work out the way I hoped. ”

The corner of my mouth lifts.

“I grew addicted pretty much right away and deteriorated from there. I’d drink when I couldn’t get my hands on drugs.

A lot of that time I don’t even remember.

I think of what you probably had to witness, and I just—” A sob unleashes from her chest. It’s filled with so much pain and despair that it’s difficult to listen to.

Despite myself, I squeeze her shoulder while she cries, feeling once again like that little boy who wants his mom to be happy.

After a minute, Carla wipes her face that’s blotchy now from all her crying. “I know that words are not enough, and I can never take back what I did to you, but I am sorry, Bastion. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you.”

I didn’t think her words would do anything to heal me, but to my surprise, they ease some of the ache in my chest.

“When Robert and Hattie came into my life, I saw it as a second chance to do right. But don’t think for a moment that there was ever a day, an hour, that I didn’t think of you or wonder if you were okay. I did.” Her voice is a hoarse whisper.

A part of the rip in my soul stitches together. The thread is fragile, the stitch loose, but it’s more than I’ve ever had.

I sit with her words for a moment, my elbows resting on my knees, staring at the floor. She lets me. Not pressuring me to say anything, allowing me to work at my own pace.

Eventually, I lift my head and meet her watery gaze. “I didn’t know until very recently that you ever came after me. I thought I’d left and you didn’t think twice about me.”

She appears heartbroken, the lines in her face deepening.

“Why did you leave me with him? Why didn’t you try harder?”

She heaves out a sigh. “I considered it. But the things he said… he was right. I didn’t deserve you.

All I’d done was cause you pain, and I believed him when he said you didn’t want to see me.

A couple of days after I first confronted him, I went back there and I watched you leave with a little girl who I suspect must be his daughter.

You two walked down to the park, and you were having so much fun.

Laughing and smiling. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw you that happy.

I figured you were better off with him than with me because back then, even I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced I wouldn’t relapse.

I’d done so much wrong by you that I figured it was the one thing I could do right. ”

“Guess we’ll never know.”

She shakes her head. “No, we won’t.”

I remember that first year and how much I missed her even as I resented her for making me leave. But I also remember the laughs and fun I had with Ariana.

“How did you find me then?” It’s something I’ve wondered since Trent told me.

She gives me a small smile. “Do you remember that waitress who took a liking to you at the diner down the street? When you first went missing, I went in there looking for you. I was in there weeks later, and she told me that she’d seen you come in with Trent. Guess she knew him.”

“Yeah, she was always nice to me. Sometimes she’d give me free food when I went in there.”

Carla looks stricken by my words.

“I don’t say that to hurt you.”

“I know, just the truth hurts.”

I sigh. “If we’re going to try to have any kind of relationship for Hattie’s sake, we’re going to need to be able to talk about this stuff without worrying what the other one might think.”

“Bastion, you can say whatever you need to say to me. I mean that. It will hurt, but you don’t need to protect me. Lord knows I didn’t protect you when I should have.”

I look at the floor for a moment. There’s not much to say to that, is there? When I straighten, I sigh and push both hands through my hair, unsure where we go from here.

“What was it like being with Trent? I asked Hattie, but she would only say that it was your story to tell if you wanted to.”

I can’t help the small smile that forms on my face. That’s my girl, always looking out for me.

“That’s a story for another time.” I’m not about to spill my life’s secrets to this practical stranger.

She looks a little disappointed, but I can’t find it in myself to care.

I have a decision to make. Can I walk away from this woman knowing that I might be able to save her life? What kind of person would that make me?

Hattie’s right in that I have to find some way to let go of the past. Carla and I will never have a mother-son relationship, but I don’t want to hold on to the anger and the resentment any longer. If only so that I can be the best version of myself for Hattie.

I stand, suddenly needing to get out of here. I’ve had all the heart-to-hearts with Carla that I can take for one day. “I’m going to take off.”

She nods, looking disappointed again.

“Before I go, you should know that I’m going to be tested to see if I’m a match.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.

Her eyes widen, and tears build. “You don’t have to do that. That’s not why I wanted to speak with you.”

I shove my hands in my pockets and rock back on my heels. “I know. That’s why I’m doing it. I don’t know what the future holds for the two of us, but I know it would eat away at me if I knew I could have helped and I didn’t do it. Mostly because it would hurt Hattie.”

The first tear drips down her face. “You’re a good man, Bastion. Despite me, you’re a good man.”

Having no idea what to say to that, I nod and leave the room. Robert and Hattie are leaning against a wall halfway down the hall. He gives me a nod as he passes by to rejoin his wife.

Hattie approaches me hesitantly. “How did it go?”

I pull her in for a hug, dipping my head down and inhaling the scent of her hair. “It was difficult, but necessary. You were right about that.”

She squeezes me tighter, and we stand there holding each other while life goes on around us. Hattie doesn’t ask if I’ve decided, and I love her all the more for it.

“I’ve decided something.”

“Oh?” I can tell she’s trying to keep the hope from her voice, likely for my benefit.

When I pull away, she’s staring up at me with wide eyes.

“I’m going to get tested. If I’m a match, I’ll donate my kidney to her.”

Her face crumples, and she wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing tightly. “Thank you, Bast. Thank you. I would have understood if you didn’t want to, but thank you.”

The news comes a few weeks later—I’m a match.