Page 36 of Ruining Hattie

HATTIE

A few days have passed since I had sex with Bast, and I’ve slept in his bed every single night.

Lately, I’m a giddy schoolgirl who wants to doodle Bast’s initials in my notebook all day. I’m not sure if it’s the sex or him or a combination of both, but I’ve never felt like this before. Even with Rich.

I want to shake my head when I think back to my relationship with Rich. Comparing what I feel when I’m with Bast versus what I felt when I was with Rich, they’re not even close. I must have been fooling myself to think that Rich and I had what it would take to go the distance.

Not that that’s what I’m thinking about Bast. I have no idea what we are.

Nothing, I suppose. I’m not sure I’d call him my boyfriend even though he did take me out on a date.

Lover sounds ridiculous. I keep telling myself not to worry about the label because it doesn’t matter.

I’m figuring out who I am, and when being with him stops feeling like the right thing to do, I’ll end it.

“Earth to Hattie.”

I blink a few times, and the canvas I’m working on comes into view. I turn my head to see Renee and Paige looking at me with amusement.

“Sorry, I must have zoned out.”

“No shit,” Renee says with a laugh. “What has you so distracted?”

“Nothing. Just daydreaming.” I pick up the wineglass that’s on the table with all the paints and brushes the instructor provided for the activity tonight.

“It’s a guy. I can tell,” Paige says.

I shake my head. “You cannot.”

She narrows her eyes and points her paintbrush at me. “You’ve got it bad for someone.”

I sigh, wishing I could talk to them about what’s going on between Bast and me, but I can’t.

Which is horrible because they could probably offer me the advice I need.

Then again, maybe I can tell them something.

I like these women, and I want to get closer to them.

I realize how lonely I really was in Wisconsin now that I have some female companionship in my life.

“There is someone I’m interested in, and we’re sort of seeing each other, but we haven’t put a label on it, you know? Which is fine. It’s a bit of an unusual circumstance.” I dip my paintbrush in the pale-yellow paint and bring it to my canvas.

“What’s unusual about it?” Renee asks, voice filled with concern.

“We’re not really dating, I don’t think, but we’re…” My face heats at just thinking about saying the words.

“You’re banging?” Renee asks, and I nod. “Nothing wrong with that.” She shrugs and looks at Paige, who nods her approval.

“I know that there’s nothing technically wrong with it. I’m an adult and can make my own choices, but I was raised in the church, so it feels complicated for me.”

Renee gets up off her stool to stretch side to side. “What was that like?”

To my surprise, there’s no judgment from either woman when I explain my upbringing.

In the past, anyone who wasn’t a Christian or had spent a lot of time at church would look at me as though I were a member of some cult or something.

Their judgment was always clear in their eyes.

But Renee and Paige listen intently and ask some questions when they want me to elaborate.

“So you feel like you’re doing something wrong.” Paige’s words don’t really come out like a question.

“Basically, yeah, a little. Even though I’m enjoying the heck out of it.”

All three of us laugh, and when we’re done, Renee takes her seat again.

“To each their own. I wasn’t raised religious at all, but I think the only person’s opinion that should matter to you is your own.

You’re a good person, Hattie. Someone only has to be around you for a few minutes to see that much.

I think that’s what matters most, not whether some guy you are or are not officially seeing is giving you good orgasms.”

I laugh again. Renee has a way of putting things that is always so amusing to me.

“Do you guys have anyone in your lives?” They’ve never mentioned anyone, but we haven’t spent that much time together.

Renee shakes her head. “I have no time. It would mean getting a babysitter for my son, and there’s hardly anyone I’d trust with him. Plus, my experience with my ex kind of turned me off the idea for now.”

I hope that she’s able to find someone special at some point. She deserves happiness.

“What about you, Paige?” I ask.

She studies her canvas for a beat, fixing something with her paintbrush before turning to look at me. “I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost a year now.”

I don’t know why that surprises me. I mean, I’m sure both of these women have no lack of men propositioning them at the club. “Where did you guys meet?”

“Oh, I love this story.” Renee giggles, leaning back from her canvas and picking up her wineglass.

Paige rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “I was marching in a protest, and things got a bit heated when there was a confrontation with the police. Someone pushed me, and I fell and sprained my ankle. Grady was on duty and helped me up, made sure I was okay, and got me out of the ruckus. Then he asked me for my name and number and I refused to give it to him because I thought he was going to get me in trouble or something for being at the protest. Turns out he just wanted it so he could ask me out.”

“I love that.” I place my hand over my heart. “Can I ask you something?”

I add some orange to my sunset to make the transition a little better.

“Of course.” Paige picks up her wineglass and turns her stool away from the easel so she’s facing me.

“Does he have a problem with what you do for a living? Isn’t he jealous?”

She shakes her head. “I told him straight up before we even went on a date that I’m a stripper and that I wouldn’t be quitting for any man. He knew that if he couldn’t handle it, then he could fuck all the way off.”

I can’t help but grin. “I love your confidence.”

“That said, he would never come in while I’m working. There’s no point in causing problems for myself.” Paige winks.

“That makes sense.” I study my painting for a beat and decide to add pale pink into the sunset at the bottom. “What’s it like out there on stage?”

“Are you thinking about giving it a try?” Renee asks as if she’s scandalized.

I shake my head rapidly. “No, I could never. I’m just wondering if you feel the way you appear out there.”

“And how do we appear?” Paige asks.

“Powerful. In control. Like you’re in charge.”

Before I ever stepped foot in a strip club, I assumed that the women would feel degraded and worthless, and maybe that’s true in some instances, but it certainly isn’t the case at The Black Orchid. Or it doesn’t seem to be.

“I can’t speak for everyone, but that’s how I feel,” Renee says. “There’s power in knowing I’m providing a life for myself and not relying on anyone else to do it.”

We both look over at Paige.

“Agreed. I feel sexy when I’m onstage and looking out into that crowd. Turning on a man always makes you feel powerful, even if it’s not your man.”

“When I started, I used to worry more about how I looked and whether I had a dimple on my ass or if my boobs looked good in a certain outfit. But you realize very quickly that the men literally do not care. At all.”

I think about what they’re saying, and I can see it. I can see how turning any man on feels good even if you have no desire to be intimate with him.

The instructor comes over. “Ladies, how are we doing? Do any of you need any help?”

We abandon the topic at hand, and I watch as the instructor answers a question Renee and Paige have. A few months ago, I would have thought I had nothing in common with a stripper, any stripper. I never would have thought we could ever be friends.

My life had always been black and white, right and wrong, moral and immoral. I’m starting to realize that there are shades of gray to everything. Maybe everything isn’t as rigid as I always thought it was.

I smile as I bring the paintbrush back to the canvas. I’m glad I made this move. Not only am I learning so much about life, but I’m learning so much about myself too.

Sharing a little with the girls earlier tonight made me want to open up to Taylor about everything going on between Bast and me, so when I arrived home, I told him I had to make a phone call and disappeared into my room.

“Oh, you are alive,” Taylor answers my video call. She’s in her apartment.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been busy, that’s all.”

“Are you sure you’re not avoiding me?” She gives me a stern look.

“Why would you say that?” I lean back on the headboard.

She gives me a “duh” look. “Because I know you, Hattie. And you’re the worst liar. It’s obvious when you’re trying to keep something from me. Is everything okay?” Her voice is filled with concern.

Now I feel guilty for keeping everything from her for so long. “Everything is fine. Great, actually, but you’re right, I do have something to tell you.”

“Hang on, let me turn my TV off. I feel like this is going to require my full attention.” She sets the phone down, and I’m staring at the ceiling of her apartment for a minute before she returns, lying on the couch and holding the phone overhead. “All right, let’s hear it.”

I tell her everything. From living with Bast to where I really work and what’s been going on between the two of us. She’s silent the entire time, only interrupting me here and there to ask pertinent questions.

When I finally finish, she bolts up into a sitting position and grins at me. “Hattie Sinclair, you sneaky, sneaky woman. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

I’m shocked. I thought for sure she’d lecture me and tell me that I had to be careful like she did when I first told her I was coming out here. “I thought you’d be upset or tell me I’m being an idiot and that I need to be careful.”

“Well, I still think you need to be careful, but it sounds like this guy only has your best interests at heart. He doesn’t judge you, and he makes sure you’re okay with everything before you guys do anything.

I’m glad you have someone out there who’s looking out for you.

Now for the real question, does your boyfriend have a brother? ”

We both laugh, but I can’t let her think I was saying this is something it’s not. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“He’s not not your boyfriend, though.”

“Is this what people do? Sleep with people before they’ve figured out what’s going on between them?”

Taylor shrugs. “All the time. But it doesn’t mean you have to. If you want to know what’s going on, ask him.”

I sigh and stare at the ceiling. “I guess.” I’m afraid I’ll come off clingy or needy—or even worse, like a child. Bast is probably used to dating women older than me, women who know the score.

There’s a knock on the bedroom door.

“Hang on a second,” I tell Taylor, then call out for Bast to come in.

He opens the door and strides into the room. “Oh, sorry, you’re still on the phone. I was wondering if you’d fallen asleep.” He thumbs over his shoulder. “I’m going to make myself a hot chocolate float before I head to bed. Wanted to see if you want one.”

Bast made me one a couple of nights ago, and it was so good. It’s like a combination of dessert and a drink.

I smile at his thoughtfulness. “Yes, please.”

“I’ll have one too,” Taylor calls.

I know exactly what she’s doing, and I might be annoyed with her if I hadn’t been keeping so much from her since I arrived.

“Who’s that?” Bast makes his way over to the bed, and I turn the phone so that he can see the screen.

“This is my best friend, Taylor. Taylor, this is Bast.”

He smiles at her. “Good to meet you, Taylor. I promise that if you come to visit Hattie, I’ll make you one.”

“Deal!” I can hear the elation in her voice at having her plan work and to have gotten a glimpse of the man I was just going on and on about.

I look at Bast. “Just let me say goodbye and I’ll be right out.”

He winks at me. “All right.”

I turn the phone back around and look down at it.

“Oh my god,” she mouths.

One glance at the door tells me that Bast is out of the room. “Okay, he’s gone.”

“Holy shit, Hattie. He is fucking hot!”

“Shh!” I glance back at the doorway to make sure Bast is still gone.

“I can see why you’re doing what you’re doing. No judgment from me.” She laughs. “I’m happy for you, girl. You’re the best person I know, and you deserve to be able to explore this side of yourself.”

“Thanks, Tay. I feel better now that you know everything.”

“I understand why you were hesitant to tell me, but you know you can tell me anything. I’m never going to think less of you.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know. You’re one lucky girl to have me as a bestie.”

I laugh, then glance at the doorway again. “Well, I’d better go. I’ll catch up with you later this week, though.”

“Yes, do not keep that man waiting.”

I shake my head. “Goodbye, Taylor.”

After I click end on the call, I set my phone on the nightstand and get off the bed, already feeling lighter as I make my way out to the kitchen.