Page 49 of Ruining Hattie

HATTIE

O nce Bastion is gone, I race into the house, tiptoeing over the broken glass, and upstairs into the guest room. I dive into the bed, pulling up the covers over my head as if I’m a child and still believe it will shut out the world.

But nothing keeps the utter devastation from taking hold of my thoughts and emotions.

There’s so much to take in that I can’t settle on one thought or feeling for long—heartbreak at Bastion’s betrayal, shock at a version of my mother I had no idea existed, or trying to reconcile that the pain in Bastion’s eyes when he told me about his childhood was caused by the woman who has loved and provided for me.

I sob into the pillow until my eyes sting. I haven’t felt this much pain since my mom’s death. Everything that went down with Rich was a fraction of the despair seeping into my body right now.

Sometime later, my bedroom door opens, but I don’t come out from under the covers. It’s a childish response, I know, but I can’t bear to set eyes on either of my parents when I know that one or both of them have been keeping this from me.

“Hattie, honey, come out from under the covers.” My mom’s hand lands on the comforter over my shoulder.

I wonder if my father is in the room too. When I pull the covers from over my head, it’s only her.

Tears swim in my mom’s eyes as she looks at me. “I’m sorry.”

That’s it? That’s all she has to say? I’m not even sure what she’s apologizing for exactly. Does she know what she’s apologizing for?

I clear the hoarseness from my throat from crying so long. “I don’t understand how this can be true.”

My mom sits on the edge of the bed and runs her palm down my cheek like she’s done so many times in my life.

She sighs and swallows. “I’m not sure what Tyler…

er… Bastion told you, but whatever awful things he told you are probably true.

The truth is that there’s a lot I don’t remember from those days.

I suppose I’m lucky that way, unlike him. ”

Her face is filled with such unbearable pain that I sit up and draw her into a hug. She’s tense at first but relaxes into my hold, shuddering out a breath, gripping me harder, and squeezing me as if she didn’t know if I would forgive her.

When I pull away, I meet her gaze. “How did you know he was your son?” The word son tastes bitter on my tongue.

My mom’s bottom lip shakes. “The heart-shaped birthmark on his back. I’ve never forgotten it.

Because you didn’t know about my past, you probably assume I didn’t give any thought to Tyl…

Bastion, but I’ve thought about him every day.

Every prayer I say at night, he’s included.

I failed him once, but I’ve never stopped thinking about him, wondering about where he was, if he was happy, praying that he found happiness somewhere, even if it wasn’t with me in his life. ”

Tears topple one another on her cheeks, and she buries her head in her hands.

It’s so hard to reconcile what she’s admitting to me and what Bastion told me about his mother with the version of the woman sitting in front of me.

I question whether I’ll ever be able to because she was the perfect mother to me, even though she didn’t give birth to me.

I don’t say anything as I try to work it out in my head.

“I realize this must have come as a big shock to you. Is there anything you want to know?”

I guffaw. “Why were you like that? I mean, I can’t even picture it. All the things Bastion told me about his mom and growing up…”

She cringes, shame coating her features.

Then she tells me about her childhood and how she grew up.

The first time she tried drugs and found her escape.

The things she used to do to support her drug habit.

From the reality she describes, I don’t think she holds back, and as I picture a young Bastion living through the unstable upbringing of his mother being an addict, my heart breaks a little more.

By the time she’s done, my heart is left in shards, draining me from the inside out.

I’m quiet again, taking in everything she said. The thing I hate the most is that I can almost understand why Bastion would be out for revenge. To be exposed to and suffer through what he did… it’s unthinkable.

God, he must have hated me when he found out about his mother adopting me as her own. The perfect daughter who seemingly grew up with the perfect life when all he’d ever known was misery…

I squeeze my eyes shut, and a lone tear escapes. I’m surprised. I didn’t think I had any more left.

“When did you get clean? What happened?” I open my eyes, and a part of me wants to tell my mom not to bother telling me. I can see how painful it is for her to talk about her past, but I need to know everything. So much was kept from me. Now I want the truth.

“After Bastion left, I hit rock bottom. He was the only thing keeping me afloat, and I know how that sounds, I do, given what he was exposed to. But I knew that if I continued down the path I was on, I would die. And the thought of not getting a chance to make it up to him… I couldn’t live with it.

So I found a program through a local church to help me. ”

Realization hits me, and I blink. “That’s where you met Dad.”

I remember him talking about an outreach program in Chicago that he was a part of before we moved to Tennessee, where I was raised.

She nods solemnly. “It is. At first there was nothing between us. Your mother was still alive then. But he was a steady presence in my life as I fought my demons and tried desperately not to go back to that dark place. After your mother passed, we grew closer. We bonded over the pain of losing someone. I believe that God brought us together for a purpose. There’s no way I would have ever been able to stay healthy if it weren’t for your father. He means everything to me.”

I know she means it. And I know she loves me. But they both lied for so long.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

She winces at the hurt and accusation in my voice. Her lips tremble as she reaches for my hand. “Because I didn’t ever want you to look at me the way you are right now.”

I feel guilty that I can’t just tell her it’s okay, no big deal, and move on, but I know it’s going to take some time to come to terms with everything.

“I’m sorry that you got mixed up in this, that Tyl… Bastion… hurt you because I hurt him.”

I give her a small nod. I’m not ready to talk about him yet.

“When your dad and I returned from my appointment and I saw the birthmark, I thought it was some unlikely coincidence. But when you first introduced me to him, I had this uneasiness in my gut. His eyes…”

I nod. “Yours.”

She nods. “But what were the chances? I kept telling myself I wasn’t feeling well, my mind was all over the place with being sick. But the birthmark was so unique.” She shakes her head and grows quiet as if she’s lost in her head.

It’s not until she says that that I remember the reason Bastion and I were here in the first place. I take in the dark grooves under her eyes and the sick color to her skin.

“What happened at your appointment?”

She shakes her head. “That’s not important now.”

Fear grips me in icy hands. “What did the doctor say? Please, I don’t want to be kept in the dark anymore.”

She looks at me with sorrow, as if she’s sad she has to deliver worse news after everything that’s already happened today. I brace myself for what comes next.

“I have to start dialysis immediately while they look for a kidney donor.”

“I’ll give you one of mine!” I grip her hands.

She offers me a small smile. “Oh, sweetie, we’ll talk about this later. It’s been a long day.”

“And if you can’t find a donor?” I ask.

Her small smile fades, and she inhales. The truth is outlined in her deep wrinkles, and her eyes don’t have a lot of hope. Without words, I know exactly what the doctor told her.

I gasp as my world crumbles for the second time today.