Page 44

MARA

“ W es?” Why did the mere sight of him send my heart into a prancing flutter?

“Can I come in?”

I chewed my bottom lip. Wes had the unnatural ability of creating a whirlwind of emotions inside me. But right now, I was angry and I was hurt.

“No.” I started to close the door, but his hand shot out and caught it. My brow stitched together as I glared at him. “I need space, Wes. I want to be alone.”

“Mara, please let me in. I just want to talk to you.” God, his voice sounded pained. I hated when he sounded like this because he was so seldom vulnerable in this way.

I peeked through the crack in the door. “ Please go away,” I said, the hurt overpowering my anger.

His chin dropped to his chest. “I know you’re mad at me.” His chest rose as he inhaled deeply, looking at me once again. “I know you’re upset about last night, and I’m sorry.”

Last night? What part of last night did he think I was upset by?

He peered at me through the crack in the door. “Can we talk? Please ? ”

I opened the door just a little more to see him better. “What do you want to talk about?”

Dropping his hand, he looked up at me under hooded eyes. “Are you going to let me in? Because I’d rather not have this discussion while I’m standing in the hallway?”

I hesitated.

“Please…” he said again. With a heavy sigh, I stepped away from the door, and he let himself in. “Thank you.” He closed the door behind him.

I took several steps across the room and folded my arms over my chest. “What did you want to talk about?”

He didn’t encroach on the space I’d placed between us, but his eyes burned like molten gold as they ensnared mine. “I want to talk about what happened last night.”

I shook my head, hugging myself tighter. “I don’t want to talk about last night. So, if that’s what this is about, then please leave—”

“That’s not happening, Mara. That’s not how this relationship is going to work.”

I narrowed my gaze at him. “That’s rich coming from you.”

Wes looked like I slapped him. His face contorted with a kaleidoscope of emotions that I didn’t know what to do with.

I stepped backward, my heart thrumming from the sudden hit of adrenaline pumping fire through my veins.

His hands clenched at his sides. His jaw ticked as the amber and golds of his eyes burned brighter than I’d ever seen them before.

I sighed, tearing my eyes from him and looking at the floor. “Would you please just go? I really don’t want to talk about it.”

He was silent, and the intensity doubled. Finally, he spoke clear and firm. “Mara…you need to know the truth.”

He was going to say it. He was going to admit that he couldn’t stand the sight of me, wasn’t he?

That my scars— my past —were just too hideous to overlook.

I started shaking my head, filled with the urge to cover my ears.

I didn’t know if I could take it…hearing his voice tell me that he couldn’t stand the sight of me.

“Please don’t—” I whispered, but he just spoke right over me.

“When Chase was assigned to you in Telvia, he didn’t go alone.”

My breath hitched. My heart froze mid-beat. What did he say? Slowly, I lifted my gaze and stared at him.

He remained like a statue—a gorgeously anguished statue—as he stared right back at me. His chest rose and fell, and then he spoke again. “There came a point when Chase’s role as the First Son and his double life in Telvia were at odds. And when that happened, I was tasked with taking his place.”

Everything in me felt suspended. I couldn’t move a single muscle as Wes made his confession.

“But I didn’t take his place in the North. My father insisted Chase fulfill his duties as the First Son before anything else. So, when the time came, I played him . I played the part of Chase Beckham.”

No. My jaw hit the floor, and slowly my hands rose to cover my lips.

His face crumpled, and I watched as he tore the truth from his own mouth. “All it took was a pair of green contact lenses. I was a perfect genetic match.”

“Oh my god…” I muttered into my fingertips. They were both in Telvia. Both brothers played the role of Chase Beckham. “But if you were…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t go there. I didn’t want to!

Wes’s gaze hardened as he nodded. “Finish the thought, Mara. Say it.”

I shook my head. “No. No, it’s not possible…”

His eyes glistened. I could see it clearly through the veil of my own tears. “Do you remember that day in the park? That boy in the alley?”

How could I forget? That day changed the course of my entire life forever. If Chase hadn’t stepped in, if I hadn’t interfered, none of this would have ever happened. And then it hit me… “Oh my god,” I wh ispered again, cupping my own face with my hands. This couldn’t be happening.

The corners of his lips tipped into a frown, but he held my gaze. “Yes,” he nodded softly. “It was me. I was the one with you in the park that day.”

I gasped. Oh, my ever-loving god. My hands flew to my lips again, covering my gaping mouth once more.

Wes closed his eyes, a frown growing as he seemed to search for his next words.

“Chase had been pulled away by Command that morning. He had to meet with Sasha to discuss extracting you from Telvia, but he had already made plans to meet with you. So, I was ordered to stand in like I had so many times before.”

“No,” I whispered, curling my hands. This couldn’t be happening to me. Not again!

“Yes, Mara,” he snapped back, but his voice sounded so gutted. “ I was the one with you in the park that day. I was the one that almost…”

Kissed me…that almost kissed me.

It was Wes all along. That godforsaken day—the day that would doom Chase to his fate—it was Wes . He was so gentle, so sweet, so charming. And he was so much more daring than normal. When I thought I was falling in love with Chase, had I actually been falling in love with Wes?

“It was you ?” I whispered. “It was you all along?”

His shoulders sagged. “Not all the time, but some of the time,” he nodded. “Over the last year, I played him more often, and…and sometimes I just met with you even if I wasn’t supposed to.”

I didn’t know what to think…what to feel .

The fucking rug was being pulled out from underneath me again , and I was back to feeling so deceived, so tricked.

Like my whole word had just turned upside down again.

Why did my life keep doing this? Why did the people in my life just keep lying to me?

First my mother, then my cousin, and now Wes ?

The bitter sting of anger and betrayal tasted like acid in my throat. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t anybody say something!” I shouted at him, feeling the betrayal rising. “Why would you keep this from me?”

His shoulders slumped as the weight of his truths sat heavy on him.

“I wish I had a good reason, Mara. But I don’t.

” He shook his head, holding out his arms with a defeated shrug.

“All I can say is that, from the first time I saw you walking out of the Academy, I felt Cupid’s arrow pierce my heart.

But you weren’t mine to love. And it ate me alive every fucking day.

Because you were right there within arm’s reach, and I still couldn’t ask you to be mine. ”

He ran his hand through hair. “And that day at the park…fuck, Mara, I just wanted to take you out of there. Knowing that they were hurting you and I could do nothing about it drove me insane. You were so broken, and it tore me apart.”

My heart was pounding. Hearing Wes admit the truth, revealing to me his vulnerable heart, was crushing my own.

“I swear it wasn’t those cameras that held me back that day.

I wanted nothing more than to kiss you, but…

” He held his breath, and then swallowed, pushing past his own reservations.

“But you weren’t mine. And I knew you never would be.

You were promised to Chase, and that meant that I would never be more than just a stand-in for him.

And when you said his name…when Chase came off your lips instead of mine…

God, it was like a fucking knife to my heart.

It just killed me. And it reminded me that I couldn’t let myself get involved more than I already was. ”

With a heavy sigh, he rubbed his eyes. “When that kid screamed, it was a blessing and a curse. It gave me an out. But then when I saw that kid getting the crap beat out of him by Enforcement, and then you jumped in…it just all came to a head. And I…” his voice caught, and I could see unshed tears returning to his eyes.

“And I keep thinking that if I had just kept my fucking mouth shut… If I had done something different, then maybe Chase wouldn’t be dead.

“I was so angry, Mara. I was so angry at myself and at you, and I just didn’t know what to do with it.

I was so pissed off at the world, and then when I saw you at the river…

” He looked up at me, sorrow painted a portrait on his face.

“I never wanted to hurt you. But I needed you gone. Because every time I saw you, I felt nothing but guilt and shame and hate and anger. But it was never toward you, Mara. It was at myself. I was so angry with me ,” he emphasized, patting his chest.

“And I thought if I scared you enough, you’d leave.

But then, you didn’t. And then you fell for Matias, and I was so fucking pissed at myself for trying to push you away instead of being the man I should have been.

You needed someone, anyone . And I fucked it up because I was too busy wrestling with my own demons and trying to figure my own shit out.

I let you slip through my fingers. My one chance to finally tell you the truth, to finally have you, and I fucked it all up. ”

I felt so overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to soak this in.

Everything made so much more sense than it ever had before.

All of it snapping together like a puzzle that actually made a coherent picture.

The yo-yo that was Wes was his internal struggle about how he felt about me, the guilt and shame he felt about his brother, and the role he played in his death.

I felt bad for him. I knew what it was like to carry the weight of something like this.

But no matter how bad I felt for him, I was angry, bitter, and hurt that he would keep something like this from me.

Let me carry the weight of Chase’s death alone .

The knot tightened in my throat, making it difficult to even breathe.

The shadows grew. The monster came out of its cage, and I felt as it wrapped around me, clamping down tight.

It was the fear of walking this world alone.

It was the anguish at all the deceit that had been the theme of my life from day one .

It was the cruel betrayal and a desire to do nothing more than descend into the depths of my emotional hell and rot.

“Leave.” I whispered.

Wes’s eyes widened. “Mara,” he said, taking a step toward me, but I stepped back, keeping the distance. He froze, looking so young, so fragile at that moment in time.

“Please,” he whispered, holding his hands out as though approaching a frightened doe. “Please don’t do this.”

I hugged myself again, feeling ice drape me like a shroud of frigid misery. “Good night , Wes.”

His face distorted in pain, mirroring my own inner turmoil. When I thought he would beg me again—beg me to let him stay—he pulled himself together. And then I watched him walk out, closing the door behind him.